I Feel Like I’m Married to a Single Man
This woman wasn’t questioning whether the affair was over; she was wondering whether her husband was truly back.
Written by Tim Tedder
Feeling Disconnected
Nearly a year had passed since she discovered her husband’s affair with a co-worker. Though the affair had ended, she still wrestled with deep insecurity.
“He likes hanging out with his single guy friends,” she told me during a session. “When I’m out with him, I feel ignored. He still makes excuses for not wearing his wedding ring. I don’t know how much more of this I can take. I feel like I’m married to a single man.”
This woman wasn’t questioning whether the affair was over; she was wondering whether her husband was truly back.
I know this man has made some repair efforts. But rebuilding trust requires more than the occasional reassurance. If the marriage is going to survive—much less thrive—his commitment needs to be evident not just in words, but in consistent, visible action.
Signs That He Still Chooses You
Should you expect that kind of commitment immediately after an affair? Probably not. There’s often a period of confusion or indecision, especially if there was a strong emotional tie to the affair partner. But one of the clearest predictors of successful recovery is this: the involved partner assumes responsibility and takes the initiative in rebuilding trust.
As the betrayed spouse, it’s natural to be ultra-sensitive to any sign of distance or indifference. Try to notice sincere efforts your partner is making—even if they’re small. And be cautious about setting expectations so high that no human could meet them.
Instead, watch for these signs that your partner is choosing marriage over singleness:
Wears a wedding ring and publicly identifies as married.
Shows closeness and affection when you are together in public.
Occasionally initiates emotional or physical connection (not just for sex) without prompting.
Includes you in conversations about the future.
Expresses a desire to be close through words or gestures.
Sometimes willingly chooses to do what you want over his preferences.
The Do’s and Don’ts of Disconnection
If you’re not seeing those things—and it’s leaving you feeling insecure—here are a few suggestions that might help:
✅ DO:
Speak from your heart. Share your insecurities honestly. Describe the behaviors that would help you feel more secure. Choose a time and tone that makes it easier for your spouse to listen—perhaps through a calm conversation or a note, not during a confrontation.
Give invitations instead of demands. It won’t help you feel secure if your husband only responds to your ultimatums. Once you’ve spoken honestly about what you need, leave the conversation, inviting him to accept—or not. That’s incredibly vulnerable, I know, but it is the only way to feel assured that he is trying to connect with you because he wants to, not because he has to.
Keep showing up as long as you still believe in the possibility of change. Even when disappointed, consider what healthy steps you can take to move toward your partner. You’re not responsible for their choices, but you have power over your own.
❌ DON’T:
Don’t try to force change. You can’t make someone shift their behavior; pushing too hard often causes more resistance. Offer an invitation, not an ultimatum.
Don’t stop believing there can be something more. It’s tempting to think, “This is just how it is,” especially when you’re tired. But I’ve seen real change happen—sometimes against all odds. I can’t guarantee this because your partner makes their own choices. But “more” is something worth wanting, not an unreasonable hope.
Don’t just settle. You don’t have to settle for a bad marriage. If you’re near the point of giving up, talk to someone you trust: a friend, a counselor, someone with a clear perspective who can help you sort through what’s next. If your partner remains unwilling or unable to join you in growing your relationship, then you must choose sacrifice (deciding to stay in the marriage but giving up the expectation for a deeper connection) or separation (a break from your partner), at least for a while.
