When Is It Time to Stop Talking About the Affair?
3 Steps for Betrayed Partners Who Want to Move Forward
Written by Tim Tedder
One of the most common frustrations I hear from people who had an affair goes something like this:
“My spouse won’t stop talking about the affair. I’m trying to be patient, but I dread coming home because I know another list of questions will be waiting. They’re not even new questions—we keep going over the same things again and again.”
If you were betrayed, it may help to know that this frustration is common. It doesn’t mean you’re doing anything wrong; your need to talk is a normal response to the betrayal trauma.
Still, there comes a time when revisiting the same conversations may do more harm than good—for both of you.
Harm to the Injured Partner
Repeated conversations over a long period reinforce the pattern, making it harder to break. Additionally, every time you uncover a new tidbit of truth, the reward of discovery (whether or not the information is truly helpful, relevant, or even accurate) will feed the need to keep inquiring, believing there might be something else you need to know. If this belief becomes firmly established, you may never feel like you have “enough” information to begin healing.Harm to the Involved Partner
Eventually, sincere efforts to repair a broken relationship can diminish if hope dies. Anyone who has broken trust should expect the need for repeated questions about their infidelity. But once they’ve provided honest answers to questions that continue to be asked, again and again, they begin to doubt if the investigations will ever stop.
Additionally, I have witnessed the formation of false memories out of a need to finally give an answer that will resolve the doubts or accusations. This never brings relief; it only expands the problem in new ways.
So, what can you do? If you're ready to regain some control over when and how these conversations occur, if you want to stop talking so much about the affair, consider taking these three intentional steps.
Step 1: Have a Total Truth Talk
Some unfaithful partners, and even some therapists, believe that recovery can happen without a full disclosure. I disagree. Without honest transparency, trust can't be rebuilt. Refusing to talk about the affair leaves the wound infected. Confession is the cleansing that allows it to begin healing.
Of course, your partner may be reluctant to talk, even when they’re no longer lying. They may want to protect you from further pain, or they might want to avoid feelings of shame. That’s why you must clearly explain why the truth matters to you—not to accuse, but to understand.
Before you can forgive, you need clarity. Before you can trust again, you need honesty.
One of the best expressions of this need came in a letter a betrayed husband wrote to his wife:
“I understand that you wish all this had never happened and that you want it to just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your mistake hurts you the way it hurts me. But I need you to understand how this feels through my eyes… why knowing the truth is essential to my healing.”
I encourage couples to take a week-long break from discussing any questions about the affair and use the time to prepare for a “Truth Talk.” The injured partner should carefully consider what questions need to be asked to help toward healing, not simply to satisfy curiosity. And the involved partner should prepare by creating a timeline of the affair and gaining clarity on any questions that have already been raised. Their commitment must be to come prepared to be completely honest.
(Note: My two Truth Talk courses help both partners prepare for this conversation.)
Are there limits to what should be shared? Absolutely. Some questions should be avoided, especially those about sexual specifics, dates, or places. Those answers may haunt you more than help you. So be thoughtful. If either of you has concerns about what or how much to share, you may want to have this conversation with the help of a counselor, clergy member, or someone you both trust.
Step 2: Intentionally Limit Ongoing Conversations
Once your major questions have been answered, it's time to set boundaries around future conversations. Some counselors advise stopping all affair talk immediately, but I find that too abrupt for most couples.
Instead, begin to self-regulate by using these steps:
Reduce: If you’ve been talking about the affair on most days, limit yourself to three weekly conversations for two weeks. Set a time limit—maybe 15 to 60 minutes—and avoid starting these conversations just before bed.
Record: Between sessions, jot down any new thoughts or questions. Then review your list before the next talk and decide what still needs attention.
Reduce More: After two weeks, reduce the frequency to two conversations per week, then one, then eventually to “as needed,” but no more than once a week.
This doesn’t mean ignoring your feelings—it just means giving your relationship space to breathe.
Step 3: Declare a Closing Affair Conversation
Eventually, the time will come to stop talking about the affair altogether—unless new information surfaces.
Repetition can bring temporary relief, but not long-term healing. If you keep circling the same territory, your partner may grow resentful or start avoiding conversations entirely. When nothing new is being uncovered, it’s time to stop.
Announce your decision: “This will be the last time we talk about the details of your affair.” Be clear and firm.
That doesn’t mean you can’t talk about your feelings—your sadness, fear, or anger are still real and valid. You can discuss the impact of the affair for months or even years. But keep the focus on the present, not on the who, what, or where of the past.
Final Thought
The goal isn't to suppress your pain. It's to create space for healing—space where truth has been honored, emotions are respected, and the future is no longer held hostage by the past. As healing occurs, you can remember the past without needing to talk about it anymore.