Will my spouse ever trust me again?
First of all, let me be clear in stating that forgiveness and trust are not the same. Your spouse may choose to forgive you but still not be able to trust you. Forgiveness says, "I choose to let go of this offense and release you from its debt." Trust says, "I choose to act according to the belief that you will not let me down." Forgiveness is a gift, but trust should be earned.
You owe it to your spouse to go to extraordinary measures to earn their trust again. I find that the willingness to do this is a good indicator of whether or not a person has really ended and affair and is willing to invest in their marriage. Here are some things you might do to show you are trustworthy: call your spouse often when you're at work or away; temporarily limit any activities or travel that keep you from home; offer complete transparency with your personal schedule; give your spouse open access to your phone and email accounts and let them know they are welcome to look at them any time they want without questions; talk about your day in detail; pick up the phone every time your spouse calls; be willing to answer any and all questions about the other person. At first, it will be inconvenient to perform all these behaviors, but the need for them will decrease over time.
And during this recovery time, there should be no insistence for your "personal privacy." Privacy/secrecy was too much a part of your affair. You will need to make a clear and obvious shift toward complete transparency. This may feel intrusive, like you're giving up too much control, but it is necessary in order for your spouse to feel safe. As your marriage heals, you will be able to take back some of your own space again, but always with a new level of mutual respect and honesty.
How long will you have to do this? I don't know; every circumstance is different. Plan on this taking longer than you think it should, and then add a bit of time onto that.
Often, problems arise when the spouse who had the affair is ready to move on while their partner is still recovering from the shock. The affair discovery is, in a way, an ending for you, but it is a beginning for your spouse. Clients who had affairs lasting many months (or years) often expect their spouse to "forgive and forget" within days or weeks. When that doesn't happen, they get frustrated. They begin accusing the spouse of not being able to "let things go," failing to realize that the spouse can only really let things go after they have had enough time to work through the betrayal.
What if you invested as much time and energy in rescuing your marriage as you did in nurturing the affair? What kind of difference do you think that would make? If you're not willing to at least attempt an effort like this, then your marriage will likely not recover well.
You owe it to your spouse to go to extraordinary measures to earn their trust again. I find that the willingness to do this is a good indicator of whether or not a person has really ended and affair and is willing to invest in their marriage. Here are some things you might do to show you are trustworthy: call your spouse often when you're at work or away; temporarily limit any activities or travel that keep you from home; offer complete transparency with your personal schedule; give your spouse open access to your phone and email accounts and let them know they are welcome to look at them any time they want without questions; talk about your day in detail; pick up the phone every time your spouse calls; be willing to answer any and all questions about the other person. At first, it will be inconvenient to perform all these behaviors, but the need for them will decrease over time.
And during this recovery time, there should be no insistence for your "personal privacy." Privacy/secrecy was too much a part of your affair. You will need to make a clear and obvious shift toward complete transparency. This may feel intrusive, like you're giving up too much control, but it is necessary in order for your spouse to feel safe. As your marriage heals, you will be able to take back some of your own space again, but always with a new level of mutual respect and honesty.
How long will you have to do this? I don't know; every circumstance is different. Plan on this taking longer than you think it should, and then add a bit of time onto that.
Often, problems arise when the spouse who had the affair is ready to move on while their partner is still recovering from the shock. The affair discovery is, in a way, an ending for you, but it is a beginning for your spouse. Clients who had affairs lasting many months (or years) often expect their spouse to "forgive and forget" within days or weeks. When that doesn't happen, they get frustrated. They begin accusing the spouse of not being able to "let things go," failing to realize that the spouse can only really let things go after they have had enough time to work through the betrayal.
What if you invested as much time and energy in rescuing your marriage as you did in nurturing the affair? What kind of difference do you think that would make? If you're not willing to at least attempt an effort like this, then your marriage will likely not recover well.
Additional Resource: Podcast #210: 7 Things Your Betrayed Partner Wishes You Knew
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