Trying to catch your spouse in an affair

Trying To Catch Your Spouse in an Affair

I was recently contacted by the producer of a new reality TV series that follows "professional and attractive female detectives" who work at catching spouses having affairs. This guy wanted to know if I could recommend any of my clients (especially wives who suspected their husbands were cheating) as possible participants on the show. In return for their involvement, my clients would receive free detective services from the stars of the show.

Right. Just the kind of thing I want my clients to be involved in. How helpful would it be to have a camera shoved in their face at the moment of crises, after they've seen the evidence collected through zoom lenses and night vision cameras, waiting for an audience-pleasing reaction? Doesn't seem too healthy to me.

But the does address a question that I sometimes hear from clients: How far should I go to catch my spouse if I suspect them of having an affair?

I get the impression that most clients expect me advise them against any kind of snooping. There's something about being sneaky and secretive that feels too much like the behavior they're trying to expose. But if a client senses affair alarms going off, I encourage them to follow their instincts and seek out evidence to confirm or contradict their spouse's fidelity.

If you suspect your spouse is having an affair and feel the need to take action, consider following these steps...

Talk first, but not too much. Some counselors would suggest that you collect evidence before you say anything to your spouse, but I disagree. Even if you suspect your spouse of no longer respecting your marriage, you should still demonstrate yourwillingness to respect the relationship by giving your spouse the chance to respond before you do anything more. But be careful. Even if your suspicions are strong, do not to accuse your spouse of having an affair. Unproven accusations will only cause them to become defensive. Instead, you should confront them honestly with your suspicions and fears and ask for an explanation. Their response will likely be denial, but it is important that you provide this opportunity for honesty right from the start.

You will get one of four responses:
[a] Empathetic Denial: Your spouse feels your distress and tries to comfort you by assuring you of his/her faithfulness. Your spouse is able to provide answers in a way that restores your confidence in their fidelity. There is no need for you to pursue this further.
[b] Harsh Denial: This is the most common response, and the most difficult to resolve. Your spouse's harshness is not proof of an affair, but it is evidence of problems in the marriage. Either way, you might want to consider getting some counseling help. If the denials do not resolve your fears, then you may need to move on to Step #2.
[c] Full Confession: Your spouse admits an affair and comes completely clean about it. How do you know if you're getting the full story? Honestly, your best measure at this point is probably your instinct. If something still feels wrong, it probably is.
[d] Partial Confession: If your spouse admits inappropriate behavior, you may still be getting only part of the story. Insist on starting counseling with someone who can help you both deal honestly with what's going on. But if they deny, don't keep bringing it up. Your ongoing suspicions will only drive their deceptions deeper underground.

Determine your best discovery options. Don't try to do everything (your spouse will be more likely to catch on to what you're doing), but focus on just a few actions that you think might be most likely to produce the results you need. Some of your options: track computer activity (including email and social networks), review cell phone calls/text records, monitor current phone calls/texting use, track car travel (using GPS devices, including a hidden cell phone), review spending records, hire a detective.
Stay legal. Some privacy laws are different from state to state, so be sure to check before doing anything that seems questionable. Tracking activity on things you own (accounts, phones, cars, etc.) is no problem, but get some professional advice before becoming too much of a spy.

Stay safe. Needless to say, don't do anything that puts yourself or anyone else at risk. I especially caution angry clients against confronting the other man or other woman, since there is a danger for things to get out of control. If your spouse has anger issues or a history of abuse, you need to be extra cautious and consider involving someone else in this process.

Collect enough evidence before you confront your spouse. Don't jump to accusation at the first discovery of real proof. In fact, I would encourage you to collect all the information you can, keeping careful records of everything you find. When you are ready to confront your spouse, only bring up one or two things and see how they respond. Most people will reluctantly admit something if they know they've been caught, but will continue to deny anything else. Your undisclosed "evidence list" will become the measure of your spouse's honesty. It may convince you that your spouse will continue to lie if they can get away with it (and you need to know this), but it will also be an assurance to you if/when they begin to confess those things.