3 Steps Toward Repairing an Affair-Damaged Marriage

by Tim Tedder | Articles Index
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The survival rate for marriages recovering from an affair is pretty low. That exact numbers are difficult discern because the measures often vary when determining statistics. I was impressed, years ago while I was in graduate school, to read the claim by one affair "authority" that couples who followed her recovery plan had a 90% success rate. Since then, I've learned that help-specialists often exaggerate their success rates by discounting failures as "not sticking with the plan." How convenient.

Here's the truth: If the goal of recovery is to experience a mutually satisfying marriage in which both partners feel secure and loved, then the raw statistics show that most marriages will not recover from an affair. And yet, I am still passionate about helping couples find their way against these odds. Why? Because you lose a lot when you lose a marriage. Because a commitment to the painful process of change benefits the individuals as well as the relationship. Because the couples who make it through inevitably give testimony to a quality in their marriage that they've never experienced before. 

I wish I had a bottle of magic pills to hand out to couples. Take these once a day and your marriage will be fixed before you know it. But if change were that easy, I doubt we could ever grow to experience great depth of character or connection. That kind of change takes effort, and anything that requires effort implies room for failure.

So, if you are trying to recover from an affair, how can you beat the odds? The Stages of Affair Recovery page provides more detail, but let me mention three helpful steps for any couple hoping for a successful outcome. (These steps assume that confession has been made and that both spouses are committed to restoring their marriage.)
  1. Leave no room for secrets. There can be now wavering on this issue. Whether the secrets are big  or small, there has to be a recognition that any kind of deception is consistent with affair behavior, not recovery behavior. If little secrets are justified, than bigger ones will eventually join them. As a couple, your mutual commitment to vulnerable honesty needs to not only be stated once, but constantly reaffirmed in your marriage. This is especially important for the affair spouse to do.
     
  2. Spend 10 minutes a day learning from your spouse. Each of you has to share the responsibility of taking the initiative to do this; it can't be a one-sided effort. The intent of this time is not to vent, or complain, to teach, to fix, or to speak to your spouse at all. The intent needs to be to listen and learn. Period. (Of course, if you both or doing this, then you each will have a chance to speak, too.) You should ask questions like these: What things did you experience today that seemed (a) most difficult and (b) most encouraging? What one thing can I do today/tomorrow that would most help you? Can you tell me one thing I'm getting right and one thing I seem to getting wrong? What have you been thinking/feeling today? What are you most excited about?  Be intentional in your listening. Don't get defensive. Wear the hat of an investigative reporter and ask clarifying questions until you think you understand what your spouse is saying. You don't have to agree with it, but do not respond to it right away (unless your spouse asks you to, and then be very careful). If you do this, you will be begin to develop a stronger sense of partnership.
     
  3. Get help. If you're confused or stuck, talk to someone who can help you both. This might be a counselor, a religious leader, or another couple. You need someone you can trust to help you clarify your goals and encourage your steps toward them.

It will take time. It will be hard. The payoff is worth it.