My spouse refuses to answer my questions about the affair. Don't I have the right to know?
Yes, you have the right to know. In my opinion, you need your spouse's complete honesty for at least three important reasons:
You can't effectively navigate through affair recovery if you're in the dark. Your spouse may have many reasons for not wanting to tell you about the affair (protecting themself, protecting the affair partner, protecting you). But unless you understand the reality of his/her experience, it will be impossible for you to move forward together. Telling the truth is like turning on the light in a dark hallway. You probably won't like what you see, but at least you identify the obstacles and make informed choices.
Honesty about the affair is your spouse's first step toward earning your trust. Their affair was built with lies and secrets. By not telling the truth, your spouse is insisting that you trust him/her with these secrets. But trusting is the last thing you are capable of right now. Your trust can't be rooted in thin air; it requires your spouse's honesty about their betrayal.
It is difficult to completely forgive if you do not know the extent of the offense. To forgive, you do not require exhaustive detail, but you need an accurate measure of the affair: how long it lasted, who was involved, how far it went, etc. Failure to hear the truth inhibits your ability to offer (or their ability to receive) complete forgiveness.
Let me be clear about one thing: Stop trying to force your spouse to tell you the truth. If you find yourself begging or threatening your spouse, you may eventually wear them down enough to tell you some additional information, but this forced confession usually won't satisfy you for very long because you will feel the need to dig for more. As long as they resist, you'll keep hammering away until you uncover another nugget of "truth.” But this process only wears both of you out and certainly doesn't help rebuild your relationship.
You need the confidence of knowing that your spouse is willing to be honest about the affair by their own choice. You will not be satisfied by forced confession. Your spouse's willingness to be honest with you will be a strong indicator that they are truly invested in making things right with you. If they're not ready to do that yet, be very clear about your need for the truth and ask them to devise a plan for moving forward (that includes honesty). This is where the help of a good counselor can be of great benefit to you both. And, in my opinion, if your spouse remains unwilling to give you truthfulness, you are at great risk if you choose to move forward in your relationship with him/her.
Why won’t they tell?
In my experience, a person is rarely willing to tell the whole truth about their affair after they've been caught. Usually, they will either only admit to what has been discovered (the truth almost always includes more than that) or they will hand out the truth in little pieces, bit by bit (referred to as "trickle-truth" by one frustrated client), leaving you constantly wondering how much more is left to find out.
Why don't they just come clean and get it over with? Your spouse's motives may be mixed but likely fit into four general reasons. Let me define the reasons and provide my perspective on each.
Reason 1: They want to protect the affair.
Just because someone has been caught in an affair doesn't mean the affair is over. If the affair has been going on for a while or if your spouse has an emotional investment in the other person, they may not be ready to end the relationship. Giving you too much information hinders their ability to continue the affair or start it up again.
The error of this reasoning is obvious. If you are reading this, you are already aware of the fact that the affair is the enemy of your marriage. Your marriage is at high risk as long as your spouse protects the affair. If they cannot join you in making your marriage a one-and-only priority, then you should waste no time in trying to trust them again.
Reason 2: They want to protect the other man/woman.
Even if the affair has ended, your spouse may still have lingering feelings for their ex-lover. The fact is (and you may not want to hear this), they may love him/her. Though they may sincerely desire to work on the marriage and move past the affair, they still care about the reputation and well-being of the other person, and so do not want to reveal anything that will cause harm to them.
This is a typical place for many people to be at the end of an affair. If a strong emotional connection developed between your spouse and the other person, it is unreasonable to expect that those feelings will simply disappear. But if your spouse is truly committed to the healing of your marriage, these emotions will eventually take their proper place.
But having said that, let me be very clear: despite any affection/love your spouse may feel for the other person, they must love you more. They must be less concerned about protecting that person and more about protecting you. You need assurances. You need truthfulness. They must be willing to risk the other person's hurt to invest in your healing. You both need a good counselor to help assure that responsible choices are being made in this regard, and you should be committed to not harming the other man/woman.
Reason 3: They want to protect themselves.
Acquiring the label of "Cheater" is not a proud moment for anyone. Tremendous guilt/shame will accompany any admission of their affair behavior. Nobody wants to feel that way! They will want to minimize their thoughts and feelings, and behaviors so they don't look so bad. They know there is a risk that any new information might (a) be held against them in the future or (b) be communicated to other people, including family and friends, which would only increase their shame.
From your perspective, maybe it doesn't matter; they've brought this on themselves, so they need to accept the consequences. But check your motives. Do you want to know the truth to use it against them? Stop. Let your motive for knowing the truth be for your healing, not your spouse's punishment. Seek the truth so you can make your choices regarding forgiveness and trust, not so you can accuse them more.
But I also believe that even though your spouse may be afraid of the consequences, he/she should risk being honest. Their affair behavior was based on their wants and needs; now it's time for them to consider you and your marriage more than themselves. They need to risk honesty.
Reason 4: They want to protect you.
Since the discovery of an affair, it may be hard to believe that your spouse has any concern for you at all. But most people caught in an affair do not want to inflict more damage on their spouses. They believe that by hiding hurtful information, they are protecting their spouses.
There are rare occasions where this might be a valid choice (e.g., the health of the spouse, unique family circumstances). But usually, it is not. You are more concerned with "Can I trust you?" than all the questions about the affair. Most betrayed spouses I work with tell me they are willing to work through the pain of the truth as long as they believe they're no longer being lied to.
Tell your spouse, "If you are trying to protect me, stop. I know it will hurt if you are completely honest with me. I'll probably react, maybe even get angry. But I can get over that. I can't get over being lied to. I'm asking you to trust me with the whole truth. I promise you that I will listen and do my best not to attack you. And I want you to know that no matter what you tell me, my intent is to work toward forgiving you."
By the way, forgiving them is not the same as trusting them. You want to promise that you will not use the truth as a weapon against them in the future, but you probably cannot promise trust until you've had more time to determine whether or not you are safe with them. Their honesty is a necessary first step towards that.
See Also: Articles on “Truth”