Why won't my spouse just come clean about the affair details?
In my experience, a person is rarely willing to tell the whole truth about their affair after they've been caught. Usually, they will either only admit to what has been discovered (the truth almost always includes more that that) or they will hand out the truth in little pieces, bit by bit (referred to as "trickle-truth" by one frustrated client), leaving you constantly wondering how much more is left to find out.
Why don't they just come clean and get it over with? Your spouse's motives may be mixed, but they likely fit into four general reasons. Let me define the reasons and provide my own perspective on each.
Reason 1: They want to protect the affair.
Just because someone has been caught in an affair doesn't mean the affair is over. If the affair has been going on for a while or if your spouse has an emotional investment in the other person, they may not be ready to end the relationship. Giving you too much information hinders their ability to continue the affair or to start it up again in the future.
The error of this reasoning is obvious. If you are reading this, you are already aware of the fact that the affair is the enemy of your marriage. As long as your spouse protects the affair, your marriage is at high risk. If they cannot join you in making your marriage a one-and-only priority, then you should waste no time in trying to trust them again.
Reason 2: They want to protect the other man/woman.
Even if the affair has ended, your spouse may still have lingering feelings for their ex-lover. The fact is (and you may not want to hear this), they may love him/her. Though they may sincerely desire to work on the marriage and move past the affair, they still care about the reputation and well-being of the other person and so do not want to reveal anything that will cause harm to them.
Let me first of all say that this is a normal place for many people to be at the end of an affair. If a strong emotional connection developed between your spouse and the other person, it is unreasonable to expect that those feelings will simply disappear. But if your spouse is truly committed to the healing of your marriage, these emotions will eventually take their proper place.
But having said that, let me be very clear: despite any affections/love your spouse may feel for the other person, they must love you more. They must be less concerned about protecting that person and more concerned about protecting you. You need assurances. You need truthfulness. They need to be willing to risk the other person's hurt in order to invest in your healing. You both need a good counselor to help give assurances that responsible choices are being made in this regard and you need to be committed to doing no harm to the other man/woman.
Reason 3: They want to protect themselves.
Acquiring the label of "Cheater" is not a proud moment for anyone. Tremendous guilt/shame will accompany any admission of their affair behavior. Nobody wants to feel that way! They will want to minimize their thoughts and feelings and behaviors so they don't look so bad. They know there is a risk that any new information might (a) be held against them in the future or (b) communicated to other people, including family and friends, which would only increase their shame.
From your perspective, maybe it doesn't matter; they've brought this on themselves and so they need to accept the consequences. But check your own motives. Do you want to know the truth so that you can use it against them? Stop. Let your motive for knowing the truth be for your own healing, not your spouse's punishment. Seek the truth so you can make your choices regarding forgiveness and trust, not so you can accuse them more.
But I also believe that even though your spouse may be afraid of the consequences, he/she should risk being honest. Their affair behavior was based on their wants and needs, now it's time for them to consider you and your marriage more than themselves. They need to risk honesty.
Reason 4: They want to protect you.
Since the discovery of an affair, it may be hard to believe that your spouse has any concern for you at all. But most people caught in an affair honestly do not want to inflict any more damage on their spouses. They believe that by hiding hurtful information, they are protecting their spouses.
There are rare occasion where this might be a valid choice (e.g., the health of the spouse, unique family circumstance). But usually it is not. You are more concerned with the question of "Can I trust you?" than all the questions about the affair. Most betrayed spouse I work with tell me they are willing to work through the pain of the truth as long as they believe they're no longer being lied to.
Tell your spouse, "If you are trying to protect me, stop. I know that if you are completely honest with me, it will hurt. I'll probably react, maybe even get angry. But I can get over that. I can't get over being lied to. I'm asking you to trust me with the whole truth. My promise to you is that I will listen and do my best not to attack you. And I want you to know that no matter what you tell me, I am willing to work toward forgiving you."
By the way, forgiving them is not the same as trusting them. What you want to promise is that you will not use the truth as a weapon against them in the future. You probably cannot promise trust until you've had more time to determine whether or not you are safe with them. But their honesty is a necessary first step towards that.
You may also find it helpful to read the letter one man wrote to his wife in an attempt to explain why he needed her to tell him the truth about her affair. That letter is posted here: The Need for Answers.
Why don't they just come clean and get it over with? Your spouse's motives may be mixed, but they likely fit into four general reasons. Let me define the reasons and provide my own perspective on each.
Reason 1: They want to protect the affair.
Just because someone has been caught in an affair doesn't mean the affair is over. If the affair has been going on for a while or if your spouse has an emotional investment in the other person, they may not be ready to end the relationship. Giving you too much information hinders their ability to continue the affair or to start it up again in the future.
The error of this reasoning is obvious. If you are reading this, you are already aware of the fact that the affair is the enemy of your marriage. As long as your spouse protects the affair, your marriage is at high risk. If they cannot join you in making your marriage a one-and-only priority, then you should waste no time in trying to trust them again.
Reason 2: They want to protect the other man/woman.
Even if the affair has ended, your spouse may still have lingering feelings for their ex-lover. The fact is (and you may not want to hear this), they may love him/her. Though they may sincerely desire to work on the marriage and move past the affair, they still care about the reputation and well-being of the other person and so do not want to reveal anything that will cause harm to them.
Let me first of all say that this is a normal place for many people to be at the end of an affair. If a strong emotional connection developed between your spouse and the other person, it is unreasonable to expect that those feelings will simply disappear. But if your spouse is truly committed to the healing of your marriage, these emotions will eventually take their proper place.
But having said that, let me be very clear: despite any affections/love your spouse may feel for the other person, they must love you more. They must be less concerned about protecting that person and more concerned about protecting you. You need assurances. You need truthfulness. They need to be willing to risk the other person's hurt in order to invest in your healing. You both need a good counselor to help give assurances that responsible choices are being made in this regard and you need to be committed to doing no harm to the other man/woman.
Reason 3: They want to protect themselves.
Acquiring the label of "Cheater" is not a proud moment for anyone. Tremendous guilt/shame will accompany any admission of their affair behavior. Nobody wants to feel that way! They will want to minimize their thoughts and feelings and behaviors so they don't look so bad. They know there is a risk that any new information might (a) be held against them in the future or (b) communicated to other people, including family and friends, which would only increase their shame.
From your perspective, maybe it doesn't matter; they've brought this on themselves and so they need to accept the consequences. But check your own motives. Do you want to know the truth so that you can use it against them? Stop. Let your motive for knowing the truth be for your own healing, not your spouse's punishment. Seek the truth so you can make your choices regarding forgiveness and trust, not so you can accuse them more.
But I also believe that even though your spouse may be afraid of the consequences, he/she should risk being honest. Their affair behavior was based on their wants and needs, now it's time for them to consider you and your marriage more than themselves. They need to risk honesty.
Reason 4: They want to protect you.
Since the discovery of an affair, it may be hard to believe that your spouse has any concern for you at all. But most people caught in an affair honestly do not want to inflict any more damage on their spouses. They believe that by hiding hurtful information, they are protecting their spouses.
There are rare occasion where this might be a valid choice (e.g., the health of the spouse, unique family circumstance). But usually it is not. You are more concerned with the question of "Can I trust you?" than all the questions about the affair. Most betrayed spouse I work with tell me they are willing to work through the pain of the truth as long as they believe they're no longer being lied to.
Tell your spouse, "If you are trying to protect me, stop. I know that if you are completely honest with me, it will hurt. I'll probably react, maybe even get angry. But I can get over that. I can't get over being lied to. I'm asking you to trust me with the whole truth. My promise to you is that I will listen and do my best not to attack you. And I want you to know that no matter what you tell me, I am willing to work toward forgiving you."
By the way, forgiving them is not the same as trusting them. What you want to promise is that you will not use the truth as a weapon against them in the future. You probably cannot promise trust until you've had more time to determine whether or not you are safe with them. But their honesty is a necessary first step towards that.
You may also find it helpful to read the letter one man wrote to his wife in an attempt to explain why he needed her to tell him the truth about her affair. That letter is posted here: The Need for Answers.
Additional Resources:
- Podcast #204: "Needing To Ask About The Affair"
- Article: The Need for Answers (letter from betrayed spouse)
- Audio: "Understanding the Unfaithful's Perspective"
This 55-minute conversation considers the affair from the betrayer's point of view, including discussion about what keeps an unfaithful partner stuck in an affair
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