Should accountability be required after an affair?

Should Accountability Be Required After an Affair?

A few months ago, I read an article on PsychologyToday.com in which the author dealt with this question: Is helpful to require accountability in a relationship partner? This required accountability may come in the form of checking phone records, texts, online activities, purchases, etc. The author pointed to a series of recent studies to support his opinion that these behaviors tend to increase the chances of infidelity rather than diminish them. His conclusion: Instead of attempting to put measures and boundaries around a relationship in order to make it more secure, you should focus on taking responsibility to create a kind of relationship that will entice them back to you.

Here's what he said: "Rather than making them not cheat, make them WANT to NOT cheat, through having a relationship where they feel no need to do so. Make that forbidden fruit less desirable, less mysterious, and less alluring, than yourself."

I work with a number of betrayed spouses who need reassurances in their marriage following an affair. Many of them desperately want accountability so they can begin to feel safe in the relationship again. They want proof that their spouse is acting with truthfulness and integrity.

But there often is a tension between what the cheating spouse and betrayed spouse want following the uncovering of an affair. Even if they both desire to stay in the marriage, the cheating spouse wants to move quickly toward "let's put the past behind us and move forward" while the betrayed spouse wants plenty of time to "prove to me that you can really be trusted now." Requiring accountability does produce resentment. But no accountability often leaves the betrayed spouse feeling insecure, stuck in an inability to move toward forgiveness and trust.

Given this dilemma, should there be an expectation of accountability following an affair?

Absolutely. Accountability should be expected, but not required. If a cheating spouse resists or refuses accountability following an affair, it is an indication that they (1) are more mindful of their needs than their spouse's needs and (2) do not want to give up their "right" to freedom and privacy. In a marriage, both of these are strong components of affair behavior. But if a cheating spouse has a genuine change of heart, he/she will want to prove their sincerity and will take the initiative in opening up the hidden areas of their lives to give assurance of their honesty.

I've worked with many couples on the other side of an affair, and this is one of the common denominators among them: successful recovery into a intimate marriage always includes the willing accountability of the cheating partner. If it is not freely offered, then I would question that couple's ability to survive the affair (unless their standard for survival is measured by avoiding divorce, but without trust or intimacy in their marriage).

If your spouse resists accountability, what can you do? Here are some suggestions:

Resist the urge to force accountability. Any energy you spend on trying to change your spouse will be counter-productive. You will likely end up pushing them the other way (which was the point of the studies mentioned above).
Draw a line in the sand. Determine how long you will wait for a change in your spouse, and what you will do if there is no change. This line is "in the sand" because you may find that circumstances cause you to move it closer or farther, but it's good to have some plan in mind. Keep this line to yourself; if you tell it to your spouse they will perceive it as a threat.
Be honest with your spouse. Tell them the truth about your pain, your insecurities, your confusion. You need to do this. But if you want the best chance of being heard, try to communicate these things occasionally rather than constantly, and deliberately (with self control) rather than reactively (out of control).
Focus on your role in your marriage. No, you are not responsible for the affair, but the only person you can change is you, so why not take time to consider the ways you can become healthier during this time.
Acknowledge every step toward openness. If your spouse makes any moves toward transparency and honesty, focus on encouraging that change rather than on the gap that still exists between what they give and what you need.

I recently asked a couple betrayed spouses to give me their opinion about this issue. Here's what they told me...

Nancy" said:
Now that the deed is done the control issue of trying to prevent cheating or searching to see if there is cheating is in itself damaging to both of us. I think total transparency by the partner who cheated (or possibly both spouse) is something that should be offered in an attempt to rebuild trust rather than demanded. This is a massive problem in my relationship. The offering of transparency with a loving heart is not there because of the fear of losing control and the need to receive the transparency and not get it makes me demand it. So basically for it to work it MUST be given for a relationship to recover post affair.

Janice" said:
[My husband] has deactivated his Facebook account and I think that decision came from a place of him defining who he wants to be--he knew that Facebook was a temptation and that he needed to cut it out. Ultimately I benefit and feel safe, but I know that it needed to come from him--not me demanding it. More recently he has decided to close his personal email account and only share an account with me. Again, this is a big step, but a choice that he realized he needed to make to be a better person.