Podcast 405 "What do they remember about the affair?"
Tim, Sharon, and Jennifer discuss a caller's question about whether or not her husband is being honest when he says he cannot remember any details about his affair.
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Episode Transcript Outline
In this episode, I’m going to give you an overview of the process I lead clients through to help them clarify WHY they had an affair. My original plan was to produce a series of podcasts around this theme, but my concern was that it would be too easy for someone to listen to them without doing the work necessary work.
So I decided to do something different.
This podcast episode will provide a clear and helpful overview of the full process I lead my clients through to help them gain an in-depth understanding of why they had an affair. But to encourage people to actually do the work, I am creating an online course that any involved partner can use.
The course will include audio lessons (including instruction and encouragement from me along with comments from others who have worked through this process), downloadable worksheets, additional resources, and a phone conversation with me.
All of this is available at a fraction of what a single counseling session would cost. In fact, I will be using this course for my own in-office clients because it will not only save them some expense, but it will help them do the real work of understanding why.
If you or your partner would benefit from something like this, take a look at the “Understanding Why” course. It’s an individual program, so participants can work through the material at their own pace.
For now, though, let me give you an overview of the process. Let’s consider the question, “Why does someone have an affair?”
The WHY question is fervently asked by betrayed partners. After discovering what was done, they are desperate to know the reason. And the most common response I hear to “But WHY did you do it?!” (usually after a long pause) is “I don’t really know.”
In this episode, we’re going to briefly address the following questions:
What should you expect (and not expect) from an answer to “why”?
What should you expect (and not expect) from an answer to “why”?
You might think that since the need to understand why is so great, that betrayed partners would feel tremendous relief after thought-through answers have been given. But in my experience, that’s not the case.
This is usually due to the fact that an injured partner wants a clear explanation of what caused the betrayal. They want a direct cause-and-effect response. This makes sense because on the other side of trauma a lot of energy goes into figuring out how to be safe. If you can figure what caused an affair, then changing that one thing can provide assurance of future safety.
But here’s a fact: No matter what reason an involved partner gives for their infidelity, the injured partner can still say, “Yeah, but you still didn’t have to cheat.” And they’re right.
In answering “why,” we don’t search for a single answer. And we don’t look for excuses. We attempt to gain a full understanding of all factors that help makes sense of selfish choices - choices that shattered trust and injured a partner.
And so we ask…
What motivates some people to cheat?
Affairs begin for different reasons. Sometimes, the reason an affair continues is different from the reason it started. We consider motives to help the involved partner recognize them, understand them, take responsibility for their choices, and to clearly identify healthy alternatives.
When we consider the primary motives of people that take their first steps into infidelity, we realize there are many different types of affairs. These include:
In the course, we examine all of these, but let’s consider the first two affair types and the motives behind them.
The Alarm Affair
This affair is a reaction to difficulties, disconnections, disappointments, or dangers that need to be addressed in the marriage or relationship. This person doesn’t necessarily want to end the marriage, they just want to feel better.
It’s not uncommon for someone involved in this kind of affair to defend themselves by blaming the spouse or marriage. But the problems in the marriage (whether real or perceived) didn’t lead to the affair; the partner's reaction to the problems lead to it.
Instead of finding ways to successfully address those issues, the affair became a distraction or a substitute.
The Exit Affair
The step into this affair is actually a step out of the marriage. Having no interest in remaining in the marriage, the involved partner begins a new relationship before ending the previous one.
Instead of being vulnerably honest, this person sabotages the marriage with an affair.
Those are two examples of motives behind infidelity and you can begin to see how knowing these differences will not only shape how a person takes responsibility for past actions, but what they need to address for future change.
Let’s consider the next question…
How could someone change that much?
Consider these typical reactions from betrayed partners:
From the perspective of the injured spouse, they see the extent of the betrayal and struggle to reconcile the differences between what they believed about their partner and what they now know about them. The gap between those two perspectives is often a huge one.
Here’s what needs to be understood: That gap is not crossed with one huge leap. When they were first standing on one side of the chasm of choice, they didn’t look across to what the affair would ultimately become and decide to do that. In fact, they likely convinced themselves in the beginning that they could never go that far.
But they made a small step of compromise and gave themselves a justification for that choice. “It’s not so bad. I deserve this. Nobody will get hurt. Nobody will find out, anyway.”
Then they made another compromise and another justification. Each step led them closer to the ultimate choice and so eventually that choice was more easily made.
Realizing the process doesn’t diminish a person’s guilt, but it does provide a more honest understanding of how choices were made. More importantly, the person realizes that trust isn’t rebuilt by promising to never make that ultimate choice again, but by guarding against even the early steps of compromise.
If you want examples of the way small compromises lead to progressively bad choices, go to AffairHealing.com/podcast213 to listen to the Recovery Room episode titled “Crossing the Line: When does infidelity begin?”
What are the risks for infidelity?
I want to be very clear about this point: When someone has an affair, they are 100% responsible for the choices they made. It’s not anybody else’s fault. The blame belongs to the betrayer, not to a bad marriage or any other circumstance. Identifying the risks for infidelity in anyone’s life is not an attempt to provide excuses.
But to simply say that someone makes bad choices because they’re a bad person neglects to consider all the vulnerabilities in that person’s life that created the context in which they betrayed their partner. It’s important to understand the various influences at play.
Without this insight, there will be no clear path for the kind of change that re-establishes firm trust.
A betrayer needs to explore four areas of possible risk: historical, personal, relationship, and circumstantial. Again, none of these factors are causes or excuses, but together they identify the context of the affair choices and help to explain why a particular person within a particular circumstance might be at greater risk for making a bad choice.
Here’s a look at what needs to be considered as each risk area is explored:
Why do “why” answers matter?
Once a person has recognized all the influences, compromises, and justifications that were part of their infidelity, they can identify the changes necessary for establishing a confident trust in the future. Instead of a general promise of “I’ll never do that again,” they can provide specific answers to the question, “Why should I trust you again? I thought I was safe with you before; what’s different now?”
In fact, the most important part of the “Understanding Why” process is taking full responsibility for addressing each identified risk, motive, compromise, and justification and committing to new changes or boundaries that will avoid them in the future.
If you or your partner need personal help in working through these steps, please check out the online course: Understanding Why.
Whether you're healing a marriage, or simply healing yourself, this is an important part of the process. I hope you’ll find your way to better clarity.
In this episode, I’m going to give you an overview of the process I lead clients through to help them clarify WHY they had an affair. My original plan was to produce a series of podcasts around this theme, but my concern was that it would be too easy for someone to listen to them without doing the work necessary work.
So I decided to do something different.
This podcast episode will provide a clear and helpful overview of the full process I lead my clients through to help them gain an in-depth understanding of why they had an affair. But to encourage people to actually do the work, I am creating an online course that any involved partner can use.
The course will include audio lessons (including instruction and encouragement from me along with comments from others who have worked through this process), downloadable worksheets, additional resources, and a phone conversation with me.
All of this is available at a fraction of what a single counseling session would cost. In fact, I will be using this course for my own in-office clients because it will not only save them some expense, but it will help them do the real work of understanding why.
If you or your partner would benefit from something like this, take a look at the “Understanding Why” course. It’s an individual program, so participants can work through the material at their own pace.
For now, though, let me give you an overview of the process. Let’s consider the question, “Why does someone have an affair?”
The WHY question is fervently asked by betrayed partners. After discovering what was done, they are desperate to know the reason. And the most common response I hear to “But WHY did you do it?!” (usually after a long pause) is “I don’t really know.”
In this episode, we’re going to briefly address the following questions:
What should you expect (and not expect) from an answer to “why”?
- What motivates some people to cheat?
- How could someone change so much?
- What are the risks for infidelity?
- Why does “why” matter?
What should you expect (and not expect) from an answer to “why”?
You might think that since the need to understand why is so great, that betrayed partners would feel tremendous relief after thought-through answers have been given. But in my experience, that’s not the case.
This is usually due to the fact that an injured partner wants a clear explanation of what caused the betrayal. They want a direct cause-and-effect response. This makes sense because on the other side of trauma a lot of energy goes into figuring out how to be safe. If you can figure what caused an affair, then changing that one thing can provide assurance of future safety.
But here’s a fact: No matter what reason an involved partner gives for their infidelity, the injured partner can still say, “Yeah, but you still didn’t have to cheat.” And they’re right.
In answering “why,” we don’t search for a single answer. And we don’t look for excuses. We attempt to gain a full understanding of all factors that help makes sense of selfish choices - choices that shattered trust and injured a partner.
And so we ask…
What motivates some people to cheat?
Affairs begin for different reasons. Sometimes, the reason an affair continues is different from the reason it started. We consider motives to help the involved partner recognize them, understand them, take responsibility for their choices, and to clearly identify healthy alternatives.
When we consider the primary motives of people that take their first steps into infidelity, we realize there are many different types of affairs. These include:
- The Alarm Affair
- The Exit Affair
- The Quest Affair
- The Revenge Affair
- The Impulse Affair
- The Habit Affair
In the course, we examine all of these, but let’s consider the first two affair types and the motives behind them.
The Alarm Affair
This affair is a reaction to difficulties, disconnections, disappointments, or dangers that need to be addressed in the marriage or relationship. This person doesn’t necessarily want to end the marriage, they just want to feel better.
It’s not uncommon for someone involved in this kind of affair to defend themselves by blaming the spouse or marriage. But the problems in the marriage (whether real or perceived) didn’t lead to the affair; the partner's reaction to the problems lead to it.
Instead of finding ways to successfully address those issues, the affair became a distraction or a substitute.
The Exit Affair
The step into this affair is actually a step out of the marriage. Having no interest in remaining in the marriage, the involved partner begins a new relationship before ending the previous one.
Instead of being vulnerably honest, this person sabotages the marriage with an affair.
Those are two examples of motives behind infidelity and you can begin to see how knowing these differences will not only shape how a person takes responsibility for past actions, but what they need to address for future change.
Let’s consider the next question…
How could someone change that much?
Consider these typical reactions from betrayed partners:
- “This just doesn’t make any sense.”
- “I thought I knew him, but the man I thought I knew would never have done this!”
- “Did she ever really love me? Or has our whole relationship just been a lie?”
From the perspective of the injured spouse, they see the extent of the betrayal and struggle to reconcile the differences between what they believed about their partner and what they now know about them. The gap between those two perspectives is often a huge one.
Here’s what needs to be understood: That gap is not crossed with one huge leap. When they were first standing on one side of the chasm of choice, they didn’t look across to what the affair would ultimately become and decide to do that. In fact, they likely convinced themselves in the beginning that they could never go that far.
But they made a small step of compromise and gave themselves a justification for that choice. “It’s not so bad. I deserve this. Nobody will get hurt. Nobody will find out, anyway.”
Then they made another compromise and another justification. Each step led them closer to the ultimate choice and so eventually that choice was more easily made.
Realizing the process doesn’t diminish a person’s guilt, but it does provide a more honest understanding of how choices were made. More importantly, the person realizes that trust isn’t rebuilt by promising to never make that ultimate choice again, but by guarding against even the early steps of compromise.
If you want examples of the way small compromises lead to progressively bad choices, go to AffairHealing.com/podcast213 to listen to the Recovery Room episode titled “Crossing the Line: When does infidelity begin?”
What are the risks for infidelity?
I want to be very clear about this point: When someone has an affair, they are 100% responsible for the choices they made. It’s not anybody else’s fault. The blame belongs to the betrayer, not to a bad marriage or any other circumstance. Identifying the risks for infidelity in anyone’s life is not an attempt to provide excuses.
But to simply say that someone makes bad choices because they’re a bad person neglects to consider all the vulnerabilities in that person’s life that created the context in which they betrayed their partner. It’s important to understand the various influences at play.
Without this insight, there will be no clear path for the kind of change that re-establishes firm trust.
A betrayer needs to explore four areas of possible risk: historical, personal, relationship, and circumstantial. Again, none of these factors are causes or excuses, but together they identify the context of the affair choices and help to explain why a particular person within a particular circumstance might be at greater risk for making a bad choice.
Here’s a look at what needs to be considered as each risk area is explored:
- Historical Risks: Events from your past that may have impacted your decision.
Questions to be explored: What kind of marriage did your parents have? How did they deal with conflict? What was their relationship with you? Did anyone in your family have an affair? What was your attitude about sex prior to meeting your spouse? Have you cheated before? Have you ever been cheated on? Did your relationship with your partner start as an affair? Prior to your marriage, did you have a previous relationship with the person who became your affair partner? - Personal Risks: Personal values, preferences, or traits that may have impacted your decision.
Questions to be explored: Are you normally a risk-taker? Were you struggling with any thoughts or feelings, even if others didn’t know? Are you going through any significant changes? What is your opinion about yourself? How do you think other people see you? Are you a spiritual person? What is more important to you than anything else? - Relationship Risks: The condition of your marriage/relationship before the affair.
This consideration can cause strong reactions from the betrayed spouse because it feels like blaming. That’s not the intent, though. The involved partner needs to honestly explore the experience of their marriage, even if they used it as justification for the affair. This is the only way they can enter into honest conversations and begin accepting their contributions to whatever problems existed.
Questions to explore: How would you describe the condition of your marriage prior to the start of the affair? Had anything changed in your marriage? Was your partner satisfied with the marriage? Were you? Were there ways you neglected each other? - Circumstantial Risks: The unique conditions that created increased opportunity for infidelity.
Questions to explore: Did you have extra free time or were you extra busy? Were you around people who might be more accepting of an affair? Was alcohol involved? Did you meet in a place that made it easier to cross boundaries? Had you experienced any recent loss or significant changes in your life?
Why do “why” answers matter?
Once a person has recognized all the influences, compromises, and justifications that were part of their infidelity, they can identify the changes necessary for establishing a confident trust in the future. Instead of a general promise of “I’ll never do that again,” they can provide specific answers to the question, “Why should I trust you again? I thought I was safe with you before; what’s different now?”
In fact, the most important part of the “Understanding Why” process is taking full responsibility for addressing each identified risk, motive, compromise, and justification and committing to new changes or boundaries that will avoid them in the future.
If you or your partner need personal help in working through these steps, please check out the online course: Understanding Why.
Whether you're healing a marriage, or simply healing yourself, this is an important part of the process. I hope you’ll find your way to better clarity.
Copyright ©2009-2019, Tim Tedder, LMHC, NCC & contributing authors. Content on this site cannot be used or reproduced without permission. AffairHealing.com is a resource of Currents Counseling Services, LLC.