podcast 110 "Signs of Real Affair Recovery"
Counselor Tim Tedder discusses what to look for when assessing whether or not there is healthy recovery in a marriage after an affair. He talks with one betrayed husband about his part in the recovery process.
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Transcript Excerpts:
Very few people come in and say, “What we want is to go back to the marriage we had.” First of all that's impossible. But even if they could, most couples want to move the relationship forward, to experience something better and more secure.
But how do you know if you're getting there? How do you know that what you're experiencing in recovery is legitimate and can be trusted? How can you be sure you're building something that is going to be good in the future, not just something you end up “putting up with” from now on?
What I want to share with you tonight comes out of my experience as a counselor and from my personal experiences as well. I hope you'll be encouraged and learn things that will be helpful to you in your circumstance. But I want to be clear, too, that what I say is not meant to be specific counsel for your relationship or your marriage. I will talk about principles you should be able to take and apply, but I know every circumstance is different, so my encouragement is for you to seek out counseling and help for your specific needs...
I suppose justice might rise up and demand that all repair work after an affair fall on the shoulders of the one who had the affair, but justice will never bring about a return to intimacy and connection. For that kind of recovery to happen the betrayed spouse must be part of the work as well, and their first efforts will be in offering grace and forgiveness to the person who wounded them so deeply.
If you are of a betrayed spouse who is still in a marriage and still open to the relationship, you are already offering grace by not yet leaving the marriage. If you are open to a future together you are, in some measure, offering something that maybe isn't even deserved. That’s what grace is: the giving of undeserved favor.
But recovery has to go beyond grace. You have to do more than just choose to stay. If your goal is a return to connection with your spouse, you will need to forgive them...
Transcript Excerpts:
Very few people come in and say, “What we want is to go back to the marriage we had.” First of all that's impossible. But even if they could, most couples want to move the relationship forward, to experience something better and more secure.
But how do you know if you're getting there? How do you know that what you're experiencing in recovery is legitimate and can be trusted? How can you be sure you're building something that is going to be good in the future, not just something you end up “putting up with” from now on?
What I want to share with you tonight comes out of my experience as a counselor and from my personal experiences as well. I hope you'll be encouraged and learn things that will be helpful to you in your circumstance. But I want to be clear, too, that what I say is not meant to be specific counsel for your relationship or your marriage. I will talk about principles you should be able to take and apply, but I know every circumstance is different, so my encouragement is for you to seek out counseling and help for your specific needs...
I suppose justice might rise up and demand that all repair work after an affair fall on the shoulders of the one who had the affair, but justice will never bring about a return to intimacy and connection. For that kind of recovery to happen the betrayed spouse must be part of the work as well, and their first efforts will be in offering grace and forgiveness to the person who wounded them so deeply.
If you are of a betrayed spouse who is still in a marriage and still open to the relationship, you are already offering grace by not yet leaving the marriage. If you are open to a future together you are, in some measure, offering something that maybe isn't even deserved. That’s what grace is: the giving of undeserved favor.
But recovery has to go beyond grace. You have to do more than just choose to stay. If your goal is a return to connection with your spouse, you will need to forgive them...
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