My spouse is staying in the marriage just because it's the right thing to do. Is that good enough?
A betrayed spouse posted this comment: "...I don't want someone to stay just because it is the right thing to do. I want someone here because they want to be with me. If his #1 desire isn't you, why stay?..."
When a couple comes in for affair recovery counseling, it is necessary to determine each partner's motive for being there. The unfaithful partner's motive is especially important because it will have a significant impact on the direction of therapy.
Their motive(s) tend to come out of 3 primary areas of desire: DO, GET, BE.
Most of the time, the unfaithful partner is either strongly anchored in DO or GET, or ping-ponging between to the two of them
What drives the desire to DO? Approval and appeasement.
The source of approval may be parents, family, peers, a partner, church, God, among other things. A doing person’s focus is to maximize praise and minimize disapproval. The expectation to think, act, or live in a certain way is defined externally. (This is the motive for making a choice simply because "it is the right thing to do," as quoted in the post above.)
What drives the desire to GET? Gratification and pleasure.
This person believes that true satisfaction will be realized by gaining something outside themselves (a fulfilling relationship, a successful career, wealth or possessions, a good reputation, a particular achievement, etc.). The pursuit is toward external goals or circumstances.
The unfaithful partner gets involved in an affair out of a GET motive. They believe they have the right to experience pleasure, happiness, fulfillment, etc. And when the affair is discovered, it is usually a DO motive (experienced as guilt and duty) that brings them to the counseling office.
Neither of these motives is "bad." It is healthy to be aware of standards that are outside ourselves (DO). Otherwise, we each become little gods who can do whatever we please without the right to be questioned. And desiring happiness and pleasure in life (GET) is almost always prefered over displeasure or pain.
But when either of these becomes the primary motive that drives us in decisions, we are at risk because each is anchored in something that remains outside ourselves. The DOing person can become focussed on pleasing the outside standard even when there is a private rebellion going on inside them. And the GETting person only remains content if they achieve and keep that thing they desire and it lives up to their expectations.
The ping-ponging starts when the unfaithful partner commits to DOing the right thing, but eventually the inward pull toward what they really want to GET leads them back into affair thinking/behavior. For a while. The guilt eventually builds to the point that they come back to the marriage with renewed effort. For a while. Back-and-forth.
What drives a person to BE? Meaning and purpose.
This person has a vision of the kind of person they desire to become (or continue becoming) and finds fulfillment in choices that lead them toward it. The focus is primarily on a desire for inward change.
In my experience, it is the focus on BEing (or BEcoming) that is necessary for insuring a choice that permanently moves in a particular direction. This is true for both partners, but let me focus on the unfaithful...
He/she needs to believe that the affair choices are inconsistent with the true sense of who they are... who they are becoming... and the story they want to tell with their lives. To many outside observers, this seems obvious. Friends and family who knew the unfaithful partner before the affair hardly recognize who they seem to have become.
And the problem is they have self-justified their choices to the point that they believe they are making better choices for themselves; telling a better story (living out their true passions, finally doing what they want, happy for the first time, experiencing the kind of connection everyone deserves and wants, being "my own person", etc.). But they're not. In almost every case, they have come to believe a lie.
There needs to be a process in which the unfaithful partner is encouraged to look more honestly at themselves (their identity, their values, their inward convictions based on life outcomes) and answer clearly: "Who are you becoming?" The answer to that question should not rely on circumstances (who they're with, where they live, what job they do), but on the story they are telling in any circumstance.
The clearer a person's vision of who they are becoming, the more likely they will make healthy choices.
I don't mind someone coming to counseling out of guilt (DO). And I understand the tendency to think through the pros/cons of choices they're making (GET). But the most secure decision, the one that leads to intimacy and trust, should eventually be anchored in the better motive to BE the person who lives & loves in a certain way.
When a couple comes in for affair recovery counseling, it is necessary to determine each partner's motive for being there. The unfaithful partner's motive is especially important because it will have a significant impact on the direction of therapy.
Their motive(s) tend to come out of 3 primary areas of desire: DO, GET, BE.
Most of the time, the unfaithful partner is either strongly anchored in DO or GET, or ping-ponging between to the two of them
What drives the desire to DO? Approval and appeasement.
The source of approval may be parents, family, peers, a partner, church, God, among other things. A doing person’s focus is to maximize praise and minimize disapproval. The expectation to think, act, or live in a certain way is defined externally. (This is the motive for making a choice simply because "it is the right thing to do," as quoted in the post above.)
What drives the desire to GET? Gratification and pleasure.
This person believes that true satisfaction will be realized by gaining something outside themselves (a fulfilling relationship, a successful career, wealth or possessions, a good reputation, a particular achievement, etc.). The pursuit is toward external goals or circumstances.
The unfaithful partner gets involved in an affair out of a GET motive. They believe they have the right to experience pleasure, happiness, fulfillment, etc. And when the affair is discovered, it is usually a DO motive (experienced as guilt and duty) that brings them to the counseling office.
Neither of these motives is "bad." It is healthy to be aware of standards that are outside ourselves (DO). Otherwise, we each become little gods who can do whatever we please without the right to be questioned. And desiring happiness and pleasure in life (GET) is almost always prefered over displeasure or pain.
But when either of these becomes the primary motive that drives us in decisions, we are at risk because each is anchored in something that remains outside ourselves. The DOing person can become focussed on pleasing the outside standard even when there is a private rebellion going on inside them. And the GETting person only remains content if they achieve and keep that thing they desire and it lives up to their expectations.
The ping-ponging starts when the unfaithful partner commits to DOing the right thing, but eventually the inward pull toward what they really want to GET leads them back into affair thinking/behavior. For a while. The guilt eventually builds to the point that they come back to the marriage with renewed effort. For a while. Back-and-forth.
What drives a person to BE? Meaning and purpose.
This person has a vision of the kind of person they desire to become (or continue becoming) and finds fulfillment in choices that lead them toward it. The focus is primarily on a desire for inward change.
In my experience, it is the focus on BEing (or BEcoming) that is necessary for insuring a choice that permanently moves in a particular direction. This is true for both partners, but let me focus on the unfaithful...
He/she needs to believe that the affair choices are inconsistent with the true sense of who they are... who they are becoming... and the story they want to tell with their lives. To many outside observers, this seems obvious. Friends and family who knew the unfaithful partner before the affair hardly recognize who they seem to have become.
And the problem is they have self-justified their choices to the point that they believe they are making better choices for themselves; telling a better story (living out their true passions, finally doing what they want, happy for the first time, experiencing the kind of connection everyone deserves and wants, being "my own person", etc.). But they're not. In almost every case, they have come to believe a lie.
There needs to be a process in which the unfaithful partner is encouraged to look more honestly at themselves (their identity, their values, their inward convictions based on life outcomes) and answer clearly: "Who are you becoming?" The answer to that question should not rely on circumstances (who they're with, where they live, what job they do), but on the story they are telling in any circumstance.
The clearer a person's vision of who they are becoming, the more likely they will make healthy choices.
I don't mind someone coming to counseling out of guilt (DO). And I understand the tendency to think through the pros/cons of choices they're making (GET). But the most secure decision, the one that leads to intimacy and trust, should eventually be anchored in the better motive to BE the person who lives & loves in a certain way.
See also: Making Marriage Choices After An Affair
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