Married to a Single Man

It had been nearly a year since she discovered the affair her husband was having with a co-worker. Even though the affair eventually ended, this woman still wrestled with deep insecurities regarding her husband's love and commitment. "He likes hanging out with his single guy friends. When I'm out with him, I feel ignored. And he still gives excuses for not wearing his wedding ring. I don't know if I can take much more of this. I don't want to be married to a single man."

I know that this husband has made some repair efforts with his wife. But it takes more than occasional assurances to rebuild trust that has been shattered by betrayal. If the marriage is going to survive and thrive, this husband's commitment to his marriage must, at some point, become consistently evident.

Should you expect this level of commitment immediately after an affair? Probably not. There may be a period of time in which your spouse is confused and indecisive, especially if there was a strong emotional connection with the affair partner. But one of the clearest predictors of a successful recovery is when the affair spouse assumes responsibility and takes the initiative in rebuilding the spouse's trust.

As the betrayed spouse, you will likely be ultra-sensitive to perceived inconsiderations. Be sure you are recognizing your spouse's sincere efforts and don't set the bar of expectations unreasonably high. Instead, look for reasonable signs of assurance that your partner wants marriage more than singleness. For example:

Your spouse openly displays the symbols of marriage (wedding ring, pictures).
Your spouse is comfortable being seen as your partner in public.
Your spouse sometimes takes the initiative to give attention to you rather than always focusing on her/himself.
Your spouse includes you in conversations about the future.
Your spouse finds ways of communicating her/his desire to be with you.

What if you don't get these things? How should you respond in your insecurity? Let me give you a few Do's and Don'ts.

DO communicate honestly with your spouse. Explain the ways you feel insecure and describe some of the specific behaviors that would be helpful to you. Tell your spouse these things in a way they can most easily receive it (in a note, as part of a casual conversation instead of a confrontation, focussing on your need rather than their inadequacies).
DON'T demand change. It is not in your power to change your spouse, so don't try. The harder you push, the more they will resist. Offer an invitation rather than a ultimatum. If your spouse continues to disregard your need in this area, then you have other considerations to make, but trying to force the matter will never result in long-term satisfaction.
DO continue to consider ways you can continue to move toward your spouse, even when you are hurt and disappointed. As long as you hold on to hope for your marriage, recognize your own role in the relationship and determine to make healthy choices even if your spouse is failing to do so. You are the only one you can control in this relationship.
DON'T give in to the lie: This is the inevitable reality of marriage, so it is pointless to hope for something more. That simply isn't true. I can offer no guarantee that your spouse will eventually change, but I do know it is possible, even when the odds seem stacked against it. If you're nearing the point of giving up, reach out to someone (a friend, minister, counselor) who can help provide a more objective perspective before you let go of hope.