Interview w/ Mark
The following Q&A is Mark's response to the commonly asked questions about Mark's Story.
You wrote honestly about being torn between your sense of obligation to your wife and family and the emotional connection you had with Linda. If you could retain the knowledge of what you’ve learned and go back to make your choices all over again, what would you do?
Mark: I have little doubt as to what my choice would be. If I could go back, I would not have an affair. I wouldn’t even go close to the line.
But I’d like to think I would make other choices as well. Instead of just accepting the state of my marriage, I’d want to be more honest in dealing with its problems—no longer pretending my disappointments didn’t exist—and work harder at understanding how I contributed to the condition of our relationship. I’d want to put more effort into salvaging my marriage instead of escaping from it.
Pure romantics would damn duty for the sake of the heart. They believe we should treasure the experiences of love whenever and wherever we find them, even if it requires secrecy and deceit. I have to admit, loving Linda felt wonderful, but our affair required me to live a dual life, and that is what destroyed me.
But couldn’t you have stopped living a “dual life” by choosing Linda openly and not trying to hide the relationship?
Mark: I’m not just talking about the tension between the secret affair and whatever public reputation I was still trying to hold onto. That dual life tension was within me, a struggle between what I wanted to do and the conflicting values I just couldn’t ignore.
I still wanted to be an authentic individual. I still wanted to live a life that my children would respect. I still wanted to believe that the story I was telling with my life could be an honorable one. But how could I want all that and still insist on staying with Linda? It became a real battle inside me: feeling like I couldn’t stay with her, but not having the strength to let her go.
Did you really love Linda?
Mark: Yes, I did.
At the start, our affair was driven by emotional need and sexual passion, but later on it became more than that. That’s why opening the door to any kind of connection that was promised only to your spouse is so dangerous. It certainly is possible to fall in love with someone else.
It wasn’t really helpful when people tried to tell me “this really isn’t love you’re experiencing” in hopes they could talk me out of the affair. When they said that early on, it was probably true, but there was no way they could have convinced me. Even though I now understand that the attraction had more to do with satisfying my emotional and sexual needs, it sure felt like love.
As the relationship went on, however, I really did grow to love her. You could say a lot of things about the relationship—it was wrong, it was selfish, it was destructive, it was foolish—but saying I didn’t love her simply was not true.
If you really loved her, why didn’t you stay with her?
Mark: Well, for all the reasons I already mentioned. I became increasingly aware that choosing a life with Linda would mean I’d continue sacrificing other things that were important to me. I started feeling very guilty.
I also knew my family (parents, children) would have always struggled in accepting Linda, which would have made life very difficult.
And, to be honest, I was still flawed in ways that made me vulnerable to the affair in the first place. I have little doubt that my relationship with Linda would have eventually come into trouble. Whether or not we could have survived or not, I’ll never know, but I suspect it may have failed. It was never honestly tested since we never experienced much of the boredom and disappointments that come from a real-life relationship. When it ended, there was still some fantasy in the affair.
Did you receive counseling after your affair?
Mark: Yes. My wife and I went to counseling for a few sessions. It didn’t do us much good for a couple reasons.
First of all, I really didn’t want to go. We didn’t go to counseling until after I had re-established connection with Linda, so in the counseling sessions I was just playing the game, saying what I thought they wanted to hear. I did not have a real commitment to the process because I was still in contact with Linda. I don’t think there is ANY way for someone to really make progress in their marriage while they maintain contact with the other person.
Another problem was that the counselor seemed to dismiss my feelings for Linda. The approach seemed to be “ignore your feelings and just do what’s right.” That didn’t work. While there was honestly a part of me that wanted to save my marriage/family, the emotional ties to Linda were powerful. I really needed someone to acknowledge that and help me deal with it. Counseling may have been more successful if I felt I was being listened to in that regard.
How did your life change after this story?
Mark: Eventually, I got to a good place, but it took time. After the brokenness I described in my story, I went through a painful period of gaining insight into the ways I was still flawed in my attempts to love. It was a process of learning that took several more years. I had further experiences, including more brokenness, that exposed the unhealthy patterns in my relationships. I continued to stumble before I could stand.
You said you’re remarried. What’s different about the way you engage in your marriage now?
Mark: My wife knows my story, all the ugly parts of it. She’s offered grace. We stay open and honest with each other and work on being connected with each other. I talk and touch a lot more now.
Because I know I am capable of failing, my wife has absolute rights into EVERY area of my life. I’ve told her she can ask anything and go anywhere. If she has any concern about another woman, she has the right to set boundaries for me. I won’t argue. It’s not a matter of being willing to do that only if I agree that she’s right about her concern; she needs to know I value her need for security more than any other choice. It’s important to me that she trusts me completely.
When either of us is frustrated in our relationship, we end up talking about it. She’s great that way, encouraging me to get it out. Because we talk about concerns instead of keeping them in, there is little room for bitterness or disappointment to take root.
What else has helped you?
Mark: I’ve had good support from my family, a few friends, and God. I got really messed up in my faith in the years after the affair and I’m still in the process of growing in my experience and understanding of God, but I’m absolutely convinced that the one who made me has dealt with me in ways that are compassionate and graceful, and that helps me heal.
Do you think you could ever have an affair again?
Mark: Before my affair, I was certain that I would never do something like that. So I’m pretty sure it would be foolish for me to claim I could never cheat again. My history gives evidence of the possibility.
But I have promised my wife I will not be unfaithful to her and I am confident I will not be. My assurance has much less to do with the conviction of my vow and much more to do with the daily evidence that I love much differently than I did before.
I remember the ways the affair twisted me; I have no interest in turning into that man again.
Mark: I have little doubt as to what my choice would be. If I could go back, I would not have an affair. I wouldn’t even go close to the line.
But I’d like to think I would make other choices as well. Instead of just accepting the state of my marriage, I’d want to be more honest in dealing with its problems—no longer pretending my disappointments didn’t exist—and work harder at understanding how I contributed to the condition of our relationship. I’d want to put more effort into salvaging my marriage instead of escaping from it.
Pure romantics would damn duty for the sake of the heart. They believe we should treasure the experiences of love whenever and wherever we find them, even if it requires secrecy and deceit. I have to admit, loving Linda felt wonderful, but our affair required me to live a dual life, and that is what destroyed me.
But couldn’t you have stopped living a “dual life” by choosing Linda openly and not trying to hide the relationship?
Mark: I’m not just talking about the tension between the secret affair and whatever public reputation I was still trying to hold onto. That dual life tension was within me, a struggle between what I wanted to do and the conflicting values I just couldn’t ignore.
I still wanted to be an authentic individual. I still wanted to live a life that my children would respect. I still wanted to believe that the story I was telling with my life could be an honorable one. But how could I want all that and still insist on staying with Linda? It became a real battle inside me: feeling like I couldn’t stay with her, but not having the strength to let her go.
Did you really love Linda?
Mark: Yes, I did.
At the start, our affair was driven by emotional need and sexual passion, but later on it became more than that. That’s why opening the door to any kind of connection that was promised only to your spouse is so dangerous. It certainly is possible to fall in love with someone else.
It wasn’t really helpful when people tried to tell me “this really isn’t love you’re experiencing” in hopes they could talk me out of the affair. When they said that early on, it was probably true, but there was no way they could have convinced me. Even though I now understand that the attraction had more to do with satisfying my emotional and sexual needs, it sure felt like love.
As the relationship went on, however, I really did grow to love her. You could say a lot of things about the relationship—it was wrong, it was selfish, it was destructive, it was foolish—but saying I didn’t love her simply was not true.
If you really loved her, why didn’t you stay with her?
Mark: Well, for all the reasons I already mentioned. I became increasingly aware that choosing a life with Linda would mean I’d continue sacrificing other things that were important to me. I started feeling very guilty.
I also knew my family (parents, children) would have always struggled in accepting Linda, which would have made life very difficult.
And, to be honest, I was still flawed in ways that made me vulnerable to the affair in the first place. I have little doubt that my relationship with Linda would have eventually come into trouble. Whether or not we could have survived or not, I’ll never know, but I suspect it may have failed. It was never honestly tested since we never experienced much of the boredom and disappointments that come from a real-life relationship. When it ended, there was still some fantasy in the affair.
Did you receive counseling after your affair?
Mark: Yes. My wife and I went to counseling for a few sessions. It didn’t do us much good for a couple reasons.
First of all, I really didn’t want to go. We didn’t go to counseling until after I had re-established connection with Linda, so in the counseling sessions I was just playing the game, saying what I thought they wanted to hear. I did not have a real commitment to the process because I was still in contact with Linda. I don’t think there is ANY way for someone to really make progress in their marriage while they maintain contact with the other person.
Another problem was that the counselor seemed to dismiss my feelings for Linda. The approach seemed to be “ignore your feelings and just do what’s right.” That didn’t work. While there was honestly a part of me that wanted to save my marriage/family, the emotional ties to Linda were powerful. I really needed someone to acknowledge that and help me deal with it. Counseling may have been more successful if I felt I was being listened to in that regard.
How did your life change after this story?
Mark: Eventually, I got to a good place, but it took time. After the brokenness I described in my story, I went through a painful period of gaining insight into the ways I was still flawed in my attempts to love. It was a process of learning that took several more years. I had further experiences, including more brokenness, that exposed the unhealthy patterns in my relationships. I continued to stumble before I could stand.
You said you’re remarried. What’s different about the way you engage in your marriage now?
Mark: My wife knows my story, all the ugly parts of it. She’s offered grace. We stay open and honest with each other and work on being connected with each other. I talk and touch a lot more now.
Because I know I am capable of failing, my wife has absolute rights into EVERY area of my life. I’ve told her she can ask anything and go anywhere. If she has any concern about another woman, she has the right to set boundaries for me. I won’t argue. It’s not a matter of being willing to do that only if I agree that she’s right about her concern; she needs to know I value her need for security more than any other choice. It’s important to me that she trusts me completely.
When either of us is frustrated in our relationship, we end up talking about it. She’s great that way, encouraging me to get it out. Because we talk about concerns instead of keeping them in, there is little room for bitterness or disappointment to take root.
What else has helped you?
Mark: I’ve had good support from my family, a few friends, and God. I got really messed up in my faith in the years after the affair and I’m still in the process of growing in my experience and understanding of God, but I’m absolutely convinced that the one who made me has dealt with me in ways that are compassionate and graceful, and that helps me heal.
Do you think you could ever have an affair again?
Mark: Before my affair, I was certain that I would never do something like that. So I’m pretty sure it would be foolish for me to claim I could never cheat again. My history gives evidence of the possibility.
But I have promised my wife I will not be unfaithful to her and I am confident I will not be. My assurance has much less to do with the conviction of my vow and much more to do with the daily evidence that I love much differently than I did before.
I remember the ways the affair twisted me; I have no interest in turning into that man again.
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