Should I make my spouse go to counseling?
If your spouse is saying they want to stay in your marriage, I believe you should insist they attend counseling with you, but only insist on 2 or 3 sessions. After that, let them know it's up to them whether they continue or not and then be careful to not guilt them into continuing if they choose against it. Continued counseling with someone who really doesn't want to be their is fruitless—a waste of time and money.
Asking them to come to a few initial sessions is reasonable because it's possible that they'll discover it's not as bad as they thought it would. Maybe they'll even find a measure of hope that things can change.
Here's what you can do to encourage a more favorable reaction to counseling:
If your spouse absolutely refuses to go to counseling, then ask them to come up with a plan that works for both of them. Make it very clear that you require something more than "let's just forget what happened and move on." Alternatives to counseling include support groups, marriage retreats, books (see my recommended affair recovery books), or mentoring by a couple in a healthy marriage.
Asking them to come to a few initial sessions is reasonable because it's possible that they'll discover it's not as bad as they thought it would. Maybe they'll even find a measure of hope that things can change.
Here's what you can do to encourage a more favorable reaction to counseling:
- Invite them to be part of the process in choosing a counselor.
- Choose a counselor who is experienced and is known for making people feel comfortable in therapy.
- Clearly state that you are only asking your spouse to commit to a few sessions and then they are free to decide whether or not they will continue.
- Make sure you don't use counseling as an opportunity to blast your spouse. As much as you might want to vent in those early sessions, be willing to listen and learn. A good counselor will guide the process.
If your spouse absolutely refuses to go to counseling, then ask them to come up with a plan that works for both of them. Make it very clear that you require something more than "let's just forget what happened and move on." Alternatives to counseling include support groups, marriage retreats, books (see my recommended affair recovery books), or mentoring by a couple in a healthy marriage.
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