My spouse says he/she loves me, but is not in love with me anymore. How can I get them to love me again?
You can't. In fact, the harder you work at trying to make your spouse love you, the more they will resent you and move away from you.
It is very common for an affair spouse to make the "I love you, but I'm not in love you" declaration during or after an affair. It is one of the most common phrases I hear. I understand your deep desire to be wanted, but don't get caught in a cycle of desperate attempts to make them love you again. Their failure to love you has more to do with their deficiencies, not yours.
The best thing you can do is invite your spouse back to your marriage and then leave him/her to their choice while you figure out how to move in directions that are healthy for you and your family.
If your spouse's uncertainty causes them to disengage from you, or to threaten a return to the affair, then the best thing you can do is honestly and clearly communicate what you want ("I love you and I want this marriage to work..."), establish your own personal boundaries ("I will not cooperate in a relationship where I am sharing you with someone else..."), and set your spouse free to make his/her choices. You cannot control what they do. The harder you try, the more certain the failure will be.
The only way genuine love will return is in the context of respecting you. The question they struggle with needs to shift from whether or not they want to stay with you (the question they ask when they are in control of your responses) to whether or not they want to lose you (the question they ask when you are in control of your responses).
Many couples get stuck in this place of confusion and indecision. If they don't find their way out of this state, they will likely do more damage to their marriage. Your spouse may need help moving through his/her next choices, but you cannot force your spouse to get help or make their choices for them.
It is very common for an affair spouse to make the "I love you, but I'm not in love you" declaration during or after an affair. It is one of the most common phrases I hear. I understand your deep desire to be wanted, but don't get caught in a cycle of desperate attempts to make them love you again. Their failure to love you has more to do with their deficiencies, not yours.
The best thing you can do is invite your spouse back to your marriage and then leave him/her to their choice while you figure out how to move in directions that are healthy for you and your family.
If your spouse's uncertainty causes them to disengage from you, or to threaten a return to the affair, then the best thing you can do is honestly and clearly communicate what you want ("I love you and I want this marriage to work..."), establish your own personal boundaries ("I will not cooperate in a relationship where I am sharing you with someone else..."), and set your spouse free to make his/her choices. You cannot control what they do. The harder you try, the more certain the failure will be.
The only way genuine love will return is in the context of respecting you. The question they struggle with needs to shift from whether or not they want to stay with you (the question they ask when they are in control of your responses) to whether or not they want to lose you (the question they ask when you are in control of your responses).
Many couples get stuck in this place of confusion and indecision. If they don't find their way out of this state, they will likely do more damage to their marriage. Your spouse may need help moving through his/her next choices, but you cannot force your spouse to get help or make their choices for them.
Additional Resources:
- Article: If you sense that your spouse has lost desire or respect for you, read the full article The Right Response to a Wayward Spouse.
- Podcast #112: "He Said He Didn't Love Me Anymore"
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