Celia's Story
PRIVATE JOURNAL EXCERPTS
Celia kept a journal of her prayers after learning of her husband's affair. These are excerpts from that journal during the month following the discovery...
Nov 2 (upon finding out about Jack's affair, 3 months after our wedding)
Lord, I don't want to have to go through this. I'm not surprised, but still, I didn't want this to happen! It's just so familiar. It makes our marriage just like all the others. It's polluted. Please help me through this. Please? Lord, I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know how to get through it and move on. What should I do?
Nov 3
Am I doing the right thing? Because I really need to know if this is the right thing. I am acting like everything is okay. But is it? Is it really? Am I just pushing it all down, or is it really okay inside?
What is the purpose in this? Please help me. I need to see the purpose, or at least know I am handling it the way you want me to. Please speak to me, Jesus. Please don't remain silent.
Nov 4
Oh Lord, it's so hard! I'm trying not to turn into a crazy woman: looking through all of his pockets, papers, books. I don't want to be like this!
It's awful! But he's so vague about it all! About when it happened and how often. He says he doesn't remember, but HOW COULD HE NOT!? I mean, he was cheating on me! Didn't it even make a big enough impression on him that he can remember the days it was?! Or maybe SO MUCH more went on that he can't keep track of it all.
All the gaping holes in the story... all the room for questions that eat me up inside! I can't take it! Please, Jesus, help him to tell me the whole thing!
And please forgive me for my crazy jealous behavior! I just want to know the situation for what it really was. Maybe it's not as bad as I think. Maybe it's worse! Who knows? But it's the not knowing; it's the guessing and assuming and supposing that I just can't take.
Nov 5
It still hurts, though, especially when he goes off and spends 6 or 7 hours of the day with her at rehearsals. It's hard, Lord. Hard to understand what was going through his mind. He says "nothing." But that's just not possible. Please! Help me understand, Lord.
Nov 8
Oh Lord, I didn't want this morning to happen at all! I don't want to be the foolish woman who tears down her house with her own hands!
I forgive him, and I'm even believing it's over. But I just got scared this morning wondering if he's deciding to change, or if he's deciding he doesn't need to change to make sure it doesn't happen again.
Nov 19 (after encountering the other woman, and acting like nothing was wrong )
I feel like I'm a split personality, the way feelings come and go. Father, honestly, what's the difference between what I'm doing, and hypocrisy? Maybe that hypocrites are hypocritical for their own gain, but I am doing it to save my marriage?
Nov 22
Lord, please help me not to worry about it anymore. Please help me not to feel he still cares for her. Or that he thinks about her. Or that he would be very different toward her if I weren't there. Lord, I can't seem to stop wishing there were some way I could see what they're like when they're alone, or hear what say to each other! It's awful, Jesus. I know you are always there. WHAT DO THEY SAY!? I mean, did they really end it?! Have they really never mentioned it again? It just seems next to impossible to believe...
It must be my pride. I cannot bear the thought of them "getting away with it" again! Even "getting away with" talking to her and not telling me. He says they really don't talk. WHY can't I believe that!?
Nov 26
As I went to sleep last night, I was telling Jack I'm just tired of feeling suspicious. Of wanting to check up on him and "find things out." It's so awful. It's not living; it's existing in death. I don't know what to do.
When I saw them together onstage when he didn't know I was there, I thought I would die. At the end he was hanging over her shoulder and then afterward he waved goodbye to her and watched her drive away. When I confronted him, he made excuses.
I will not give up my marriage! I will not give in and live in misery and fear. Teach me how, Lord. Please teach me how.
Dec 8
Am I feeling grief over my sin of unbelief? I know I am still going crazy worrying about what happened with Jack and Melissa. And I can't help feeling worried that it will happen again! Oh Lord, I don't want to feel this way! This insecurity! This feeling that I'm not good enough to satisfy him and be what he wants!
Please Lord, I humbly ask that You will give me some practical steps to start getting over it. I know it will take time, but what are some real steps I can take in the meantime?
Dec 14
Forgive me Lord, for starting to blame You for what has happened with Jack. For being upset that you asked me to marry him. For saying, "I thought my problems with guys cheating on me would end when I started seeking to be obedient, and got out of the world and into God's will. I don't deserve this, so why am I suffering now!? It seems I'm doomed to live a life of doubt and insecurity, no matter what, for the rest of my life."
I know this is wrong, Lord. But what is the truth?
Lord, I don't want to have to go through this. I'm not surprised, but still, I didn't want this to happen! It's just so familiar. It makes our marriage just like all the others. It's polluted. Please help me through this. Please? Lord, I don't know how to deal with this. I don't know how to get through it and move on. What should I do?
Nov 3
Am I doing the right thing? Because I really need to know if this is the right thing. I am acting like everything is okay. But is it? Is it really? Am I just pushing it all down, or is it really okay inside?
What is the purpose in this? Please help me. I need to see the purpose, or at least know I am handling it the way you want me to. Please speak to me, Jesus. Please don't remain silent.
Nov 4
Oh Lord, it's so hard! I'm trying not to turn into a crazy woman: looking through all of his pockets, papers, books. I don't want to be like this!
It's awful! But he's so vague about it all! About when it happened and how often. He says he doesn't remember, but HOW COULD HE NOT!? I mean, he was cheating on me! Didn't it even make a big enough impression on him that he can remember the days it was?! Or maybe SO MUCH more went on that he can't keep track of it all.
All the gaping holes in the story... all the room for questions that eat me up inside! I can't take it! Please, Jesus, help him to tell me the whole thing!
And please forgive me for my crazy jealous behavior! I just want to know the situation for what it really was. Maybe it's not as bad as I think. Maybe it's worse! Who knows? But it's the not knowing; it's the guessing and assuming and supposing that I just can't take.
Nov 5
It still hurts, though, especially when he goes off and spends 6 or 7 hours of the day with her at rehearsals. It's hard, Lord. Hard to understand what was going through his mind. He says "nothing." But that's just not possible. Please! Help me understand, Lord.
Nov 8
Oh Lord, I didn't want this morning to happen at all! I don't want to be the foolish woman who tears down her house with her own hands!
I forgive him, and I'm even believing it's over. But I just got scared this morning wondering if he's deciding to change, or if he's deciding he doesn't need to change to make sure it doesn't happen again.
Nov 19 (after encountering the other woman, and acting like nothing was wrong )
I feel like I'm a split personality, the way feelings come and go. Father, honestly, what's the difference between what I'm doing, and hypocrisy? Maybe that hypocrites are hypocritical for their own gain, but I am doing it to save my marriage?
Nov 22
Lord, please help me not to worry about it anymore. Please help me not to feel he still cares for her. Or that he thinks about her. Or that he would be very different toward her if I weren't there. Lord, I can't seem to stop wishing there were some way I could see what they're like when they're alone, or hear what say to each other! It's awful, Jesus. I know you are always there. WHAT DO THEY SAY!? I mean, did they really end it?! Have they really never mentioned it again? It just seems next to impossible to believe...
It must be my pride. I cannot bear the thought of them "getting away with it" again! Even "getting away with" talking to her and not telling me. He says they really don't talk. WHY can't I believe that!?
Nov 26
As I went to sleep last night, I was telling Jack I'm just tired of feeling suspicious. Of wanting to check up on him and "find things out." It's so awful. It's not living; it's existing in death. I don't know what to do.
When I saw them together onstage when he didn't know I was there, I thought I would die. At the end he was hanging over her shoulder and then afterward he waved goodbye to her and watched her drive away. When I confronted him, he made excuses.
I will not give up my marriage! I will not give in and live in misery and fear. Teach me how, Lord. Please teach me how.
Dec 8
Am I feeling grief over my sin of unbelief? I know I am still going crazy worrying about what happened with Jack and Melissa. And I can't help feeling worried that it will happen again! Oh Lord, I don't want to feel this way! This insecurity! This feeling that I'm not good enough to satisfy him and be what he wants!
Please Lord, I humbly ask that You will give me some practical steps to start getting over it. I know it will take time, but what are some real steps I can take in the meantime?
Dec 14
Forgive me Lord, for starting to blame You for what has happened with Jack. For being upset that you asked me to marry him. For saying, "I thought my problems with guys cheating on me would end when I started seeking to be obedient, and got out of the world and into God's will. I don't deserve this, so why am I suffering now!? It seems I'm doomed to live a life of doubt and insecurity, no matter what, for the rest of my life."
I know this is wrong, Lord. But what is the truth?
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