The Downside of Telling the Affair Partner’s Spouse
Should you tell the affair partner’s spouse about the affair?
There is no hard-and-fast answer to that question. In some cases (especially if you know the other couple), destroying the secrecy can end the affair. But I have witnessed enough of these choices to know they do not always end well. Please give it some careful thought before you decide whether or not to tell.
I could give you examples of good conclusions to revealing the affair to the affair partner’s spouse, but let me offer you some caution instead. Consider these three comments from people who had to make that choice and ended up regretting it.
—Tim Tedder
“I recently advised a friend who was involved with a married man. She kept trying to break it off until he got a divorce, and he would reel her back in. This went on for six months.
“I got the bright idea for her to tell the wife without revealing herself. That way, I thought, he would be forced to choose or at least leave my friend alone until he did choose out of fear of being watched.
“She took my advice. It is very hard to type this, but it may help someone: The wife killed her husband, and is being tried for murder.
“Guilt engulfed me for months. I had to go to counseling. I felt I had caused his cheating. It still hurts me deeply. But people play a very dangerous game with cheating. It is not something to take lightly.”
—JR, email
“My wife is very reluctant to discuss the affair at any level. After being frustrated with the lack of progress, I decided to tell the other person's spouse about six months after D-day. Turns out they are in the process of divorce, and I made their divorce messier. Not sure if it was the right thing to do.”
—post, AH Community
“When my husband tried to end his affair, the AP wouldn’t let him go easily. Frustrated, I called her husband to let him know what was happening. Big mistake. It doesn’t make any sense at all, but since then, they have both joined forces to make our lives miserable,
“They post hateful lies about us on social media. They have left threatening messages on our phone. They continually find ways to intrude into our lives. I never feel safe anymore.
“It’s been over a year. We’ve gone to the police and have even taken legal action, but we have no idea when this is going to end.”
—In-session comment; used anonymously with permission
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