Review: Mistakes Were Made (but not by me)
Reviewed by Tim Tedder
Summary
Social psychologists Carol Tavris and Elliot Aronson dig into something we all do, whether we like to admit it or not—finding ways to justify our mistakes. Their book Mistakes Were Made (But Not by Me) unpacks why it’s so hard to simply say, “I screwed up,” and actually believe it.
When we mess up, cling to old beliefs, or hurt someone, our brains scramble to protect our sense of being decent, smart, and right. That’s when the little fictions creep in—stories we tell ourselves to smooth over the discomfort, to keep us feeling okay about who we are, even if it means doubling down on bad choices.
This updated edition doesn’t just explain the science (though it’s packed with years of research); it also offers a thoughtful look at what to do with that knowledge—how to face the dissonance, learn from it, and maybe even forgive ourselves along the way.
Review
I’ve been recommending this book for years, even before its more recent updates. Quoting it in the podcast Crossing the Line caused me to realize I hadn’t posted a review.
I put this on my list of “Top 5 Books that Clarified My Thinking.” While the authors don’t focus exclusively on choices of infidelity, their explanation of how we travel the path of little shifts (changes, compromises) and then justify those changes can lead us, eventually, to beliefs and behaviors that are miles away from where we started.
If you want to challenge your own thinking… if you want to gain insight into the confusing choices someone close to you has made… if you want to gain a better perspective of how politics and religion have become so polarized, with participants holding values they once rejected… read this book.
Quotes
“The engine that drives self-justification—our need to maintain the belief that we are smart, moral, and right—causes us to cling to that belief even in the face of overwhelming evidence to the contrary.”
“Self-justification is not the same thing as lying or making excuses. It’s more powerful because it allows us to convince ourselves that what we did was the best thing we could have done.”
“How do you get an honest man to lose his ethical compass? You get him to take one step at a time, and self-justification will do the rest.”
“When we make mistakes, we must calm the dissonance that jars our feelings of self-worth. And so we create fictions that absolve us of responsibility.”
“In close relationships, self-justification takes the form of blaming the other person. The more invested we are in a relationship, the more reluctant we are to admit that we might have been wrong about our partner—or about ourselves.”
“Memory, like liberty, is a fragile thing. It’s amazing how we can reconstruct the past to justify the present.”
“Admitting mistakes is easier said than done, because it threatens our self-concept: our story of who we are.”
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