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Affair healing Blog

​Leave A Cheater, Gain A Life - Book Review

6/22/2017

 
Book's Author: Tracy Schorn
Amazon Link
Reviewed by Tim Tedder, LMHC, NCC

​UPDATE (7/8/17): I posted an edited version of this review on the book's Amazon listing and, while generally positive, pointed out the disagreements I have with some of the "Chump Lady's" perspectives. The author copied my review on her blog with a personal response that set the tone for the storm of reaction from her online followers.

The angry comments spilled out from her site to this one and then into my personal email with titles like "You should be ashamed of yourself" and "FRAUD!" I soon began filtering posts, not because they disagreed with me (we can learn from that!), but because so many were personal, vicious, and without any interest in actually listening to another point of view.
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In short, their anger seems to erupt from a belief that (1) there really is little or no hope for a satisfying marriage after an affair, (2) that I and other counselors sell false hope for our own profit, and (3) that my message of affair healing assumes that the marriage will be saved.

It only takes a little time of objective reading & listening on this site to realize that my view of affair healing is NOT a one-size-fits-all approach. (I'll be addressing that in more detail in upcoming posts and podcasts.) The comments made about me and my work seem to come from assumptions rather than any informed considerations.


I stopped reading the messages because they were too personal and painful. Jennifer, one of the other counselors here, did read many of them on the other site and said the anger continued to fuel more anger and that attacks were directed at what others claimed about my views rather than the actual message of this site. (For example: The accusastion that in the interview with two of my children I laughed at my ex, blamed her for my affair, and encouraged my children to do the same is so far from the truth that I have to assume someone intentionally lied about it or was so biased that they can only hear what they want to hear. Still, others assumed it was true and issued rather harsh judgments.)

I contacted the author through her website and requested a phone conversation, but did not receive a response. That's unfortunate. I've learned from her; I think she could learn from me, too. Maybe another day...

​Rarely have I read a book that pushed me back-and-forth between two equally strong sentiments of agreement and disagreement. I cheer the author’s clear shouts of warning to betrayed spouses who take on the responsibility of affair recovery with a cheater who fails to do what’s necessary for genuine healing. But my enthusiasm for that message is dampened by the frequently expressed opinions that cheaters should be dumped, betrayed spouses who want to save their marriage are chumps, and those who encourage relationship recovery (especially marriage counselors) are no better than ambulance chasers, greedy to profit from the pain of others but without any real remedies.
 
I’d like to review this book by pointing out my primary agreements and disagreements with its author, and who I believe will be helped or hindered by reading it.​

Please note: The author uses various forms of the “f-word” a LOT. If you are offended by reading that word, do not read the book and do not read this review. I will quote the author in her own words, unedited.

 
Agreements
 
You can’t save your marriage alone.
​
From the author: “You cannot save your marriage if one person is actively not participating in the marriage. Focusing on your love languages, communication styles, and mutual flaws instead fo the infidelity is like ordering dinner options on the Hindenburg.”

I, too, am bothered by the “relationship experts” who hold out an expectation that a betrayed spouse can somehow get their marriage back on track without the full-hearted effort of the cheater. They can’t. Any claim that they can only deepens their tendency to blame themselves for failure. Genuine relationship repair requires the full involvement of the unfaithful partner. They, in fact, need to assume the greater responsibility for healing, since they caused the deep injury.

The affair is not the betrayed spouse’s fault.
From the author: “Your cheater had an entire decision tree of options, beginning with difficult conversations, therapy, and divorce lawyers. They didn’t choose those things—they made a deliberate choice to fuck other people and lie about it.”

​If a cheater tries to tell you they had an affair because you weren’t ____ enough or didn’t do ____, just walk away. It’s not even worth arguing. Their excuse is evidence that they don’t get it. Like every marriage, there were likely problems and you probably contributed to some of them, but none of that justifies their choice to cheat.

Cheaters are self-focused.
From the author: “I tend to divide cheaters into two camps: those who attempt remorse and those who step over your crumpled, sobbing body and go fix themselves a Hot Pocket.”

I both agree and disagree with this, but I put it in the “agreement” list because these reactions (“attempting” remorse or ignoring it) are probably most typical, especially if the affair was recently discovered. There will be no healing without genuine remorse. My disagreement with the statement comes from my experience with cheaters who became deeply remorseful in ways that continued to affect them long after the initial shame had dissipated. So there are three camps: those who attempt, those who ignore, and those who actually do experience a humble, lasting remorse.

Marriage counseling shouldn’t be your first option.
From the author: “One of the first things good chumps do in the agony of discovering an affair is call a marriage counselor. Here is a radical suggestion: Don’t. Or at least hold off until you know if you have something to work with.”

After their affair is exposed, the unfaithful spouse may respond to the suggestion of counseling in a variety of ways: resistance, uncertainty, demands (pushing blame onto the betrayed spouse with expectations that they are the ones that need to change), or obligation (for the kids, or because it’s “the right thing to do”). Couple’s counseling, in these circumstance, is a waste of time and money. The book provides some great warning signs that indicate the lack of proper investment in the counseling process.

A good counselor will move these partners into individual counseling or, in some cases, Discernment Counseling, until the cheater is moved to genuine remorse with a desire to take responsibility for the changes they are required to make.

Trust should be earned.
From the author: “You can’t cheat on chumps without lying to or gaslighting them. Cheaters are not about to change tactics and go with unvarnished honesty now. Remain highly skeptical. Judge cheaters by their actions over time—a long time.”

Too many unfaithful spouses think that once they’ve “confessed” (often only after being caught), there should be quick forgiveness and then back to life as normal. They balk at any expectation that they make changes to show their commitment to faithfulness and honesty. Real trust doesn't come instantly; it only returns after enough time (think months and years, not days) has been filled with trustworthy behavior.

Boundaries are needed.
From the author: “Get out of the habit of talking and arguing with them. Why would you believe a word they say? Everything you need to know is in their actions. If they’re sorry, they will cooperate with a divorce. If they care about their children, they will pay support. If you have to beg for these things, there’s you’re answer.”

Right. Unfaithful partners are often caught up in the craziness of the affair, even after it's over. Expecting responses that are rational and honest is pointless. Trying to persuade will lead to exhaustion and defensiveness. 

There is life after infidelity.
From the author: “The pain is finite. Don’t choose it. Don’t keep reliving it, either. Infidelity does not define you. It’s no measure of your soul, or of your worthiness and lovability.”

A lost marriage, to some, seems like a lost life. It’s not. They will live a story that is different than the one they expected. It’s a “Choose Your Own Adventure” book in which one choice was eliminated for you, but other choices remain. There are still good chapters to be discovered.

There is no obligation to reconcile.
From the author: “...you don’t owe anybody reconciliation. If cheating is a deal breaker for you, it’s a deal breaker. You didn’t break your vows and you’re perfectly within your rights to walk, even if your cheater desperately wants another chance.”

Yes. Yes. Yes. The consequences of betrayal are shattered trust and a ripped-apart covenant. The betrayed spouse has every right to immediately walk. That is not the only choice, but it is a legitimate (and sometimes necessary) one.

Disagreements

You are a “chump” if you focus on hope for your marriage
From the author: “Asking a marriage counselor if your marriage can be saved is like asking a barber if you need a haircut.”

​Let me first admit that I am in partial agreement with what the author has to say on this point. Too many counseling services and products promise (for a fee) to help a betrayed spouse save their marriage without the cooperation of the betrayer. And when these methods don’t work, the wounded partner is left to shamefully conclude, “I couldn’t get that right, either,” accepting inappropriate blame. 

We should probably throw religious leaders into this mix as well. Many well-meaning people are too quick to direct a betrayed spouse into attempts to save their marriage. That is a risk they are not required to make and should not be pressured to do so.

But denying hope for a healed marriage is a shift to the opposite extreme. The book leaves very little room for this consideration. In fact, the author wants to push chumps in the opposite direction. She writes, “I’m not here to help you save your marriage after infidelity. I”m here to help you save your sanity and protect yourself.”

Here’s the truth: there is hope. I’ve seen healing in marriages, the kind of healing that moves a couple back into connection and trust. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, many couples do not experience this. But marriage healing after an affair is not a foolish hope.

The best healing choice for some is to leave their marriage, but that is not only choice for everyone.

Reconciliation is a myth.
From the author: “I liken successful reconciliation to a unicorn—a mythical creature that I want to believe in, but that is rarely sighted.”

There are many examples of marriages that somehow managed to avoid divorce after infidelity, but fail to experience a genuine return to intimacy. Online forums are filled with stories of people who tried to fix their relationship yet remain disappointed and frustrated. I can understand the tendency to conclude that reconciliation is little more than an empty dream.

But couples can and do reconcile in ways that are satisfying to both of them. Some of them are open about their stories, while many remain private about this part of their lives. Every decent affair recovery therapist I know can account for many marriages that are strong despite the devastation of an affair.

Reconciliation is not the only outcome, but it is a true one.

Leave no room for grace.
From the author: “This is what enforcing a boundary looks like—the cheater decides to commit to the marriage then and there—or you put their crap in Hefty bags and throw it on the lawn for the raccoons.”

This book is a great counter to the common tendencies of “chumps” to overlook the severity of the betrayal. Forgiveness and trust can be granted too quickly and easily.

But I want to live in a world that values grace and makes room for it. I know it is empowering to embrace justice and agree that many betrayed spouses SHOULD be taking a much stronger stand for their own well-being, but there is a way to balance grace and justice. I believe we are better people when we do.

To be clear, I am not suggesting that traumatized spouses should just roll over with an “It’s okay, I still love you attitude.” Real grace will still establish real boundaries. Grace is not the same thing as trust. Some cheaters should never be trusted again, but I would still encourage a consideration of grace, not just pure justice.
 
Cheaters have a common motive. 
From the author: “Why do people cheat? Because they can. It’s that simple. People cheat because they value their autonomy to engage in affairs more than they value your well-being.”

No motive justifies betrayal, but it’s not accurate to say that every cheater is driven by the same reason. Every cheater is 100% responsible for their choice and its consequences, but understanding an affair means giving attention to the unique vulnerabilities at play.

These vulnerabilities are not reasons or excuses. The unfaithful spouse had a multitude of other choices they could have made, but understanding the various influences at play in a person’s life is necessary for healing, whether or not the marriage survives. Many cheaters did not choose to cheat before, even when there was an opportunity to do so. It's important to gain insight into the vulnerabilities at play so that appropriate changes can be made and necessary boundaries established. Only then can there be a secure return to trustworthiness.

Yes, at the core of every affair is selfishness, but cheaters do not all pop out of the same mold.

Cheaters don’t change.
From the author: “I believe people cheat because they give themselves permission to cheat—and that’s a matter of character… After suffering my own series of false reconciliations, reading infidelity boards, and running my own blog, I’ve yet to see the grateful, prodigal unicorn.”

I doubt the author would claim that a cheater could never change, but it seems clear that she believes it is so rare that it is a near-fantasy. I wonder if her story has attracted like stories.

Over 20 years ago, I was a cheater. I am not a cheater now. And I know many other former cheaters who have long years of evidence pointing to their trustworthiness. 

Some spouses have always been and will always be cheaters. Some spouses cheat once and never cheat again. And some were habitual cheaters who, like addicts, become “sober” in their relationships. 
Thank God there is hope for us!
 
Who will be helped (or hindered) by reading this book?
 
There so much I love about this book, but I would not recommend it to someone who has just found out about their spouse’s affair any more than I would recommend a “You Must Save Your Marriage” book. Wise balance is needed.

Neither would I recommend the book to someone who leans toward offering a period of grace before making final choices.

But I would recommend this book, with the caveats I’ve mentioned in this review, to an injured spouse who fits any of these descriptions:
  • They blame themselves for the affair, or believe there must be something “wrong” with them.
  • They assume responsibility for fixing the marriage.
  • They remain in relationship with an unfaithful spouse who is uncertain, defensive, accusing, or unwilling to take the lead in healing the injury they caused.
  • They feel hopelessly victimized.
  • They feel pressured to reconcile when they don’t want to.
  • They believe the only good outcome is an intact marriage.
 
The author’s empowering message mixed with a good dose of humor would be a welcome relief to anyone who feels trapped and alone. It will help them leave the cheater and reclaim their life.
Buy the Book
Allthatremains
6/22/2017 01:11:59 pm

Great review - the only place I disagree is that I think Cheaters do it because they can is a truth, they may all have different reasons for cheating but somehow in someway they convince themselves that they can, either because they deserve it or it doesn't really matter or they think they won't get caught etc... Somehow they convince themselves that they can cheat and it is important for the wayward spouse to remember that it is this 'convincing' that causes them to cheat not something the betrayed spouse ever did.

Maria
6/24/2017 09:58:57 am

They cheat because they want.

Tim Tedder
6/24/2017 11:10:15 am

Well, yes, "they cheat because they want." If not, it would be something forced (like rape). But if we explain every bad choice, including our own, with that explanation we will never come to a good understanding of infidelity. There are many cheaters who really never wanted to have an affair during their marriage but then come to time when they do. How does that desire switch? Once switched, can it ever switch back?

Even if the betrayed spouse decides to leave, being able to come up with a better answer than "just because I wanted to" will be helpful in understanding what changes & boundaries need to be put in place in the future.

Lauren
6/26/2017 12:43:10 pm

The idea that a cheater never really wanted to have an affair, but then temptation arose and they "just did" is perpetuating the victim blaming narrative. Joe Abuser never wanted to hit his wife, but then she didn't fold the laundry right and the temptation was so great that he "just did." Because his dad hit him as a kid. Does it help anything to understand that Joe's dad hit him? No. Joe still made the choice, and his choice was to abuse.

A cheater does cheat because they want to. And because they have a faulty moral compass and little self control. And because they value superficial external validation over the partner who has committed the most vulnerable pieces of their heart and soul to them. And because they are abusive.

When you ask us to parse and seek to "understand" cheaters you are in effect asking to look at the marriage and see where the non-cheating spouse can be blamed. It's an exercise in futility. It's faulting Joe's wife for failing to correctly fold laundry. The cheater will blame their faithful spouse for everything in order to justify the cheating. And the sad thing is, the faithful spouse is usually all too eager to accept the blame in order to feel some control over "fixing" the relationship.

From everything I have seen and felt and lived, relationships cannot be brought back to a healthy place once a partner has cheated. I hope that cheaters can change and have a healthy relationship in the future, but the relationship with their current partner has been destroyed beyond repair.

Cheating is abuse. It is time the therapy community started treating it like abuse.

Alesia link
6/27/2017 10:45:52 am

"From everything I have seen and felt and lived, relationships cannot be brought back to a healthy place once a partner has cheated. I hope that cheaters can change and have a healthy relationship in the future, but the relationship with their current partner has been destroyed beyond repair.

Cheating is abuse. It is time the therapy community started treating it like abuse."

I agree that cheating is the most damaging act one can do to their spouse. The pain is horrific; I heard one of my clients state "I did not know that I could experience so much pain and still be breathing." Another stated, "The pain I feel now after my husband's affair is worse than the discovery of my daughter's molestation." It is flat line for most. With that being said, I have seen and personally experienced a grace, a forgiveness, a love, a healing, a grateful humility beyond what some experience--pain, anger, bitterness, lacking empathy, hatred, divorce. Healing is not for everyone. I'm glad it was for us over 15 years ago; after healing; and now, together we are amazing--we healed; we have sat together in three of our children's weddings and we together have watched in tears as six grandbabies have been born.

"From everything I have seen and felt and lived, relationships cannot be brought back to a healthy place once a partner has cheated."

You have not seen us. Our children and grandchildren are glad that Mimi and Papa are in love; we are amazing and they are (and we are) the benefits of grace and healing.

Lauren
6/27/2017 02:56:10 pm

No, Alesia, I haven't seen you. I only see your vested interest in selling generally unrealistic hope to people who have been cheated on (i.e., "your clients").

I'm sure it is a very small percentage of your clients who achieve reconciliation. And it seems your argument is that this very small possibility of reconciliation (of which, I'm skeptical how successful it truly is, but that is another issue) justifies seducing as many faithful spouses as possible into the attempt to reconcile.

The issue I have is this: The reconciliation attempt opens up the faithful spouse to more abuse by someone who has proven themselves to be abusive. Only in a very, very small percentage of cases does anyone benefit from the attempt except the therapist, who collects fees. And in the vast majority of cases the faithful spouse continues to be abused.

I'm just not sure how that squares with your conscience.

Tim Tedder
6/27/2017 03:04:55 pm

Lauren: Alesia isn't a counselor. She's telling her own story.

But I wish you would spend a bit more time finding out about what we do here. We do not try to manipulate couples to reconcile. In fact, sometimes the best thing we can do for a client who is trying to save their marriage is to encourage them NOT to.

FieryPhoenixx
9/7/2017 05:05:53 pm

I'm always glad 😁...no overwhelmed with Joy when a Couple can truly reunite!
You both did the work and you're reaping the rewards, and so are your children.
I grew up around infidelities and sexual addictions both my fathers were addicts.
But, I still believe that God can help Us to Change IF we want to change.
I'm not taking responsibility for my husband's extreme circumstances or decisions to live a life of depravity and deception and his slow changes either. But, I've grown as a person. I was a teenager when we married and God has been growing me up because of the pain.
So, whether my h changes or not, I'm going to be One Fierce Sister😉

Tim Tedder
6/26/2017 02:56:35 pm

<<The idea that a cheater never really wanted to have an affair, but then temptation arose and they "just did" is perpetuating the victim blaming narrative.>>

That is a misrepresentation of what I believe or have written. A person doesn't go from "zero to blast-off" in a moment of temptation. Nor do I believe that the betrayed partner (the victim) should be the focus of whatever vulnerabilities have developed in the cheater's life. Most often, they are not.

<<When you ask us to parse and seek to "understand" cheaters you are in effect asking to look at the marriage and see where the non-cheating spouse can be blamed. It's an exercise in futility. >>

The work of understanding vulnerabilities is the primary work of the cheater, not the betrayed spouse. The betrayed spouse is not required to do ANYTHING if they do not want to, but the one who had an affair must be willing to understand the vulnerabilities. And, again, there is so much more to focus on than just a "bad marriage." A bad marriage does not cause an affair. In fact, many affairs happen within the context of a pretty good marriage. There are other issues worth considering if that person is going to learn from their failure and move toward change, whether or not the marriage survives. But if the marriage is going to heal, then the betrayed partner will want to understand these vulnerabilities as well.

As I have tried to explain before... this has nothing to do with excusing or blaming. The cheater is 100% responsible for their affair. It is not the fault of the betrayed partner.

<<From everything I have seen and felt and lived, relationships cannot be brought back to a healthy place once a partner has cheated. >>

I'm sorry for that. Perhaps the author of the book had similar experiences. But what about the many couples I know (including ones I've worked with) who are now years past the infidelity and are experiencing marriages that are connected and satisfying to both of them? Some of them are very open about their story. Some experienced a single infidelity. Some experienced a number of them before real changes started taking place. Are these not real? Are they lying? (Am I lying?) Is it unreasonable to point out a path of healing in which there is legitimate hope?

Relationship renewal is not the only healthy outcome after infidelity. Some marriages, I believe, need to end. Any betrayed spouse has the right to immediately walk away. But I believe it is irresponsible to deny that there is a way to heal that legitimately restores & grows a marriage.

If both partners are willing to do what is necessary in working toward change (and it takes two, not one), they will experience a satisfying outcome. There are way too many examples of this to deny it.

Lauren
6/26/2017 05:04:43 pm

Please direct me to anybody with a story of successful reconciliation after an affair. Successful meaning both parties would agree without reservation that the relationship is happy and healthy and better now than it was before the affair.

Given your history, you seem quite adept at lying and psychological manipulation. And the way you just spun it on me (Are these not real? Are they lying? Am I lying?) showcases that your default when challenged is not to offer solid proof, but to go straight for the gaslight... so I'd say yea, you are lying. "Many" is a completely vague, subjective number of supposedly happy post-affair couples. "Some" is even more vague. Liars (and lazy, entitled people) hate specifics and details.

I'd say it's unreasonable and irresponsible to prey on the hopes of a faithful partner in order to sell your reconciliation system. Because when you look at your numbers, who is the one usually forking over the cash to save their family? I seriously doubt it's the cheater.

Tim Tedder
6/26/2017 05:12:23 pm

I'm sorry you think that and come to those conclusions about me. I think it probably does little good to defend myself. Those that know me... those who have worked with me know different.

You are welcome to email me (see contact info on this site) and ask for this information. Some couples (both spouses) are happy to respond to others, but I always ask their permission and would never post that information publically.

However, in preparation for an upcoming podcast (topic: "Connection") I will include interviews with couples who have had years of recovery & renewal in their marriage, so you can hear it from them. But if you believe I am false, then I can imagine ways to explain away those testimonies, too. I hope you won't.

Rachel
7/12/2017 07:58:43 pm

Lauren - you've asked for one example of a marriage that has survived and thrived.

My husband and I have a marriage that has survived a long term affair. It takes hard work from both sides and a lot of communication but I can confidently say that our relationship is much better now than it was prior to discovery.

It is fairly closed minded to think that people can't learn from their mistakes and step up to be a better person, or that others aren't capable of forgiveness and reconciliation.

I wish you all the best and hope that life gives you the opportunity to experience true forgiveness and restoration of faith and trust in people. It is truly an amazing experience when you are open to it.

FieryPhoenixx
9/7/2017 09:45:15 pm

I'll Name at least one couple:
Jason and Shelley Martinkus of New Life Ministries.
Affair Recovery Founder Rick Reynolds and his wife, and Samuel and Samantha from AffairRecovery.com
Marcus and Joni Lamb
Tim and Sharon Tedder both on their second marriage after experiencing infidelity
I've had several former uncles who were women chasers and alcoholics who changed and became men of faith and no longer adulterers.
You got to want it.

FieryPhoenixx
9/7/2017 09:40:39 pm

Mic 🎤 Drop. All points addressed not only with professionalism, but empathy and compassion.
Tim, you so get "it." You understand yourself and what can drive you into the Affair zone. But, one ☝🏽 thing that many of us betrayed partners need is understanding of ourselves as well. We are all human. We can walk gradually into an affair as well.
It just depends. Some people struggle with love hunger which they use sex to try to fill or some people may be experiencing a rough time in their lives ( which includes job loss, depression, pregnancy/loss, death, sickness, loneliness, etc) or just getting too familiar with a coworker or someone of the opposite sex...so many everyday things not handled well can cause people to turn to an affair.
Why not therapy??? Pride. We all have a false sense of self that says, "I got this." Well, that may be true to a point, but there are times to hit the therapist's couch before jumping into another person's arms. That's the Battle in my opinion.
As a Betrayed Spouse, I've got so much hurt 😭 that I have had to work on me, but I was more self aware than my husband. We both had similar experiences that left us open, but he drifted off into porn as a young teen and by the time I met him, he was already on his way to addiction because he had a young uncle whom gave him drugs and taught him how to lie and manipulate women.
So far both my sons are willing to talk and listen. We've dealt with porn issues and it's been bumpy.
All I know it's not that clear cut. I think that one of the most difficult things to do as a Betrayed partner is having to have mercy or compassion for my husband's addiction and the girlfriends that knew he had a family.
Seeing them as humans with brokenness that they didn't address is HARD.
Why??? Because it seems as if they are being excused. They are not. And All will Reap what they have Sown, but not from me.
I will in the future be free of unforgiveness and what they did for harm will become my greatest blessing... but I'm still in the process. It's just good to know that "Chump Lady" and people like her are willing to stand up Betrayed Partners but on the other hand They unknowingly feed the bane of bitterness.
The only Chump in that situation is the Person who believes sipping on the Haterade of Bitterness while calling it Empowerment sets them free.
People can change. There are no guarantees. But, I've seen too many people who have changed to believe in advice that's so one sided and obviously 🙄 negative 👎

Kalmarjan
6/27/2017 12:24:33 am

"Please direct me to anybody with a story of successful reconciliation after an affair"

Hi. I'm one. I'm the WS. I'm on the forums under the name Kalmarjan.

I worked my butt off on myself; my wife did the same.

We successfully reconcililed because we both wanted to. There was no "making" anyone want anything. That line of thinking is counter productive (if only because it smacks of manipulation) and stands a chance to alienate your spouse further, hindering your recovery.

Hell, if that's what you want, own it, and let it go. But of there is any doubt about just leaving, then know it will be super hard work (on both sides), but if you're looking for something other than a reaction to something that happened to you, then reconciliation may be up for you.

Julie
6/28/2017 08:27:28 am

Kalmarjan,

What work did your wife have to do to prevent you from cheating on her?

Tim Tedder
6/28/2017 09:16:31 am

I'm not even sure Kal is monitoring these posts, but I wanted to comment here. While I encourage open, honest dialogue when there is disagreement, there should be some attempt to do so with respect and a willingness to listen.

Julie's question is a form of "When did you stop beating your wife?" It injects biased assumption and immediately evokes defensiveness instead of discussion.

I won't let this turn into a brawl. That's not the purpose of this site. I understand that some are coming here because they're angry. I have responded respectfully and encouraged people to spend a bit of time understanding the point of view expressed on this site before attacking it. (Most assumptions about what I "preach" are quite off the mark.)

I spent much of the last day attempting to provide responses that were fair and respectful. That consideration was often not returned.

Some of the most significant things I learned have come from people I disagree with. One of the reason's I liked Tracy's book (and gave it a good rating on Amazon) is that she seems honest and was thought-provoking, even though I had some disagreements. Those who disagree with my opinion can engage with it, but I'll be stepping away from the attacks from this point on.

Julie
6/28/2017 07:28:37 pm

Dear Mr. Tedder,

You misinterpreted my question. I have a cheating husband and I still love him and I want to keep our family together.

Since this person is a success story, I really want to know what I can do so my husband stops cheating. I am willing to do whatever hard work is necessary.

If his wife is a member, I would welcome her comments as a success story.

TY,
Julie

Tim Tedder
6/28/2017 09:36:03 pm

I'm sorry I misunderstood your question, but then I have to say I think your premise is wrong. You wonder what you can do to prevent your husband from cheating. The fact is, you can't stop him from cheating any more than you could make him cheat in the first place.

I don't know your story (or his) so I cannot speak to specifically. Not every marriage or infidelity is exactly the same. I know the pain of betrayal (and wanting to protect a marriage/family) are powerful and they do lead some to assume responsibility for "saving the marriage," but I caution you not to do that.

The work of recovery is not something that one person can do on their own. In fact, the primary efforts will have to be made by him. If he is unwilling to do so, don't pick up his slack.

You can be honest with him regarding what you want, focus on YOU being healthy, and create clear boundaries if he does not show the kind if desire/shift necessary for the kind of change you can trust. There are plenty of resources on this site, including podcasts, which address this and offer specific help. They may also help give clarity regarding choosing to NOT work at saving your marriage.

Hope that helps. (And sorry again for the misunderstanding.)

Lola Granola
6/27/2017 02:27:20 am

Tim, on your website is podcast no 107? I believe? In which you blame your ex-wife for YOUR affair - the affair you chose to have, knowing the damage it would do - and you encourage your teenage children to do so as well.

No wonder you hate this book.

Tim Tedder
6/28/2017 09:18:59 am

I actually gave the book a good review. (How did that get missed?) You can see my additional comments about "blaming" my ex wife.

Tim Tedder
6/27/2017 04:48:43 am

Well, I was really curious about this since I know I do not blame my ex at all for my affair. I listened to that podcast again (and encourage everyone else to do the same - affairhealing.com/podcast107) and could not find any comment that even suggested she was at fault. I accept full responsibility with my children and others.

I'd love to have an honest dialogue about any of this, but I think people may be coming here in response to a post by the book's author posted on her site (quite witty, I'll say) with opinions already formed and looking for "evidence" that I blame betrayed partners.

I don't. I hope people coming here will read and listen a bit more before coming to conclusions. They will not agree with everything I say (just like I did not agree with everything the author said but still gave the book a high rating and have recommended it to others) but may, at least, gain a more accurate view of my perspective.

Lauren
6/27/2017 02:32:08 pm

Tim, I'm curious about your attempts at reconciliation with your ex that you cheated on. Why didn't that work out? Why did it send you into this line of work to preach to others something that you were unable to accomplish?

Tim Tedder
6/27/2017 02:54:07 pm

There were circumstancial obsticals to our reconciliation but the primary problem by far was ME. My wife did what she needed to when she divorced me.

If you're honestly interested, my story is presented openly in various parts if this site. I counsel now because I was encouraged by others to do so after I started getting my act together and talk to others about my failures and regrets. I try to help others avoid them, whether or not their marriage survives.

If you think I "preach" I would encourage you to spend more time with the resources of this site. There is no one-size-fits-all formula here. We believe that healing for some means helping them become untangled from their cheating partners. (That's why I like Tracy's book.)

But I also know that for couples who both want real reconciliation and change (and, believe it or not, there are so some) we can help them understand what that requires, too.

Crystal Thomas
6/27/2017 01:04:36 pm

I have been married 18 yrs. I found out last year that my husband has and still is cheating. I received a text message from 1 of the woman that he was seeing, she texted me a picture of their newborn baby. She told me that he has a new family and that I needed to stay out of his life. I confronted him about this and he confessed to having an affair with 1 woman for the whole 18 yrs. that we have been married. And that he has had over 100 one night stands with other women. I thought my heart was going to break to a million peices. I prayed very hard on if I should I stay or leave. I choice to stay thinking that he would want this marriage to work. I asked him to do one thing and that was to stop all and any communication he has with any of these women. He has not.

I think I'm stuck in a life that I hate. I put on this fake smile. I think I do it to protect my heart from being hurt again.

Please I think I'm looking for a little bit conformation on what I need to do and that is get the heck away from this loser.

Tim Tedder
6/27/2017 01:25:18 pm

I think you should probably have been taking active steps long ago to assume control of your life and leave someone who obviously has no interest in loving you or keeping his marriage. Heal without him.

Misty ONeal-Martinez
6/27/2017 01:46:17 pm

Thank you for the honest and candid review. It is refreshing to see that you listed both the Pros and cons, or agreements and disagreements. I do believe in grace. And I have seen true trust and reconciliation in many couples.

Two years ago I found affairhealing.com website after discovering years of infidelity and sex addiction in my 20 plus years marriage. I was helped enormously by the downloads you had available then, the first 12 things to do and not do after an affair. You saved my sanity, as I discovered the affairs via emails and I already knew too much detail. I learned how to start taking care of myself and I learned to be careful which questions to ask. My spouse and I worked nearly two years on reconciliation. Seminars, a bit of therapy, 12 step recovery. We have both done a lot of hard work and made tremendous changes in ourselves and our marriage. Sadly, my spouse "relapsed", 12 step sex addiction word for infidelity. Okay, I know it implies more but that's not the point here. It ALWAYS takes two people committed to the process of recovery and reconciliation. It takes honesty.

I am currently reading the book Leave a Cheater, Gain A Life and am finding it helpful. It is witty and funny. I am able to step out of my own head and realize that what I wanted to happen for reconciliation in my marriage is not going to happen. It is a difficult chapter to close in life after 23 years of marriage.

I am grateful that both Tim Tedder and Tracy Schorn have shared there stories. I find hope, help, and encouragement in both.

I continue to remain committed to the process of healing, but for myself and my children only. Support groups, self care, therapy, yoga, journaling, and my higher power, and supportive friends and family are my helps and healers I have chosen on this journey.

Difetto
6/27/2017 02:44:09 pm

After my husband of over 2 decades cheated and moved out to live with his affair partner of 3 weeks, I looked everywhere for support and advice. The chump school of thought drove me to greater fear and the verge of madness. Affairhealing offered free tools for self understanding and discernment. I bought the manual as soon as it was issued. Ted Tedder offers a balanced thinking person's approach to infidelity. He doesn't push reconciliation. The chump school is hard line and works for the angry betrayed person, but it didn't work for me. I think his review of the book was more than fair. Beware the demonization of your cheating spouse because it could hurt you mentally when you are already vulnerable to suggestion. There are good reasons why you think you will die after infidelity. A careful consideration of your personal circumstances is wiser than a one size fits all approach. People who have responded negatively to this review are entrenched in the one kind of thinking, but an open mind is going to give greater chance for personal growth. Keep reading and thinking and healing. ♡

K.
6/30/2017 02:11:51 pm

I had an affair several years ago and reconciled with my husband. I guess that makes us "the unicorn" of marriages, although I dispute that it is so rare.

I am certainly not her target audience, but I have never been able to relate to the Chump Lady because she puts everyone who had an affair into one big narcissistic, sex-seeking pile. To me, she is the shock jock of affair recovery. I have seen people push her advice on other betrayed spouses who probably don't need it. Real talk to me means understanding that people are different, marriages are different, and even affairs are different.

I never thought I would be a cheater, yet I became one many, many years into a marriage that in hindsight had some vulnerabilities. After lots of personal work, I know how I allowed it to happen. The silver lining has been addressing the ways in which I withdrew from people all my life, which has cleared the way for a better marriage. The shame lingers for me (so much for the supposed remorseless cheaters), but I am dealing with it. I am in a much different place now, and so is my marriage. I don't see my marriage in her writings because it doesn't exist to her.

It's perfectly valid for a couple to divorce after an affair. Believe me, I get it that some people can't get past an affair and some people will not stop cheating. However, I am glad that neither my husband nor I made a quick decision to do so. It would have been a huge mistake for us.

Emily
8/12/2017 05:28:18 pm

Cheating is a relationship problem and not just the problem of the cheater. Bottom line is both people have to work on the marriage to get over an affair because there were cracks in the marriage. That's not a popular thing to say but it is what it is.
When my husband cheated I was furious and looking to blame. It wasn't until I started owning my part in it that everything opened up. Cheating is a horrible choice and very hurtful but a lot of the time cheating is a symptom of a larger issue.
My husband and I didn't stay together but we did learn and grow and become better people. We decided to separate after really looking at our relationship and whether it worked for us (it didn't) and whether we could fix what wasn't working (we tried but we couldn't).
It's a horrible situation to be betrayed by your spouse but you can overcome it. If you choose to live in the rage and blame stage u wont ever move on. You will lose ur relationship and ur mental health

Betrayed
2/13/2018 05:02:11 pm

Most marriages have issues heck most relationships have cracks. The unfortunate thing is after the affair, the counselors focus on how the betrayed contributed indirectly to the affair.

So not only are you suffering the pain of your spouses initial issues and their affair you now are on defensive about your own behavior because obviously you indirectly caused your spouses infidelity.

So how does betrayed spouse fix the relationship so the cheater does not want to cheat anymore?

Tim T
2/13/2018 05:11:11 pm

Betrayed, I'm not sure how much time you've spent using our resources, but we definitley do not focus on how the betrayed spouse contributed to the affair. And many times the way to "affair healing" is away from the betrayer, not trying to save the marriage.

The injured spouse never "causes" an affair. And it is not their responsibility to fix the relationship so that an affair isn't repeated. The involved spouse must be committed to change and the injured spouse may join them in building a renewed marriage IF THEY WANT TO and if the genuine work of rebuilding trust has been done.


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