Review: Leave A Cheater Gain A Life
Reviewed by Tim Tedder
What you should know…
I am reposting this book review because many people come to this review page, even though the orginal review was written in 2017. And that Amazon review caused quite a firestorm! Soon after I posted it, my website was attacked by angry followers of the book’s author, despite my having given it a 4/5-star review. Some were polite, but most were angry and spiteful, calling me names and posting false information about me and my work. I tried, twice, to have a conversation with “The Chump Lady” because I believed we had much more in common than not, but she declined the offers.
My 2017 Amazon Review
Rarely have I read a book that pushed me back-and-forth between two equally strong sentiments of agreement and disagreement. I cheer the author’s clear shouts of warning to betrayed spouses who take on the responsibility of affair recovery with a cheater who fails to do what’s necessary for genuine healing. But my enthusiasm for that message is dampened by the frequently expressed opinions that cheaters should be dumped, betrayed spouses who want to save their marriage are chumps, and those who encourage relationship recovery (especially marriage counselors) can be lumped together with ambulance chasers.
I guess I should say that I'm one of those counselors she writes about, but my focus is specifically on affair healing for individuals and couples.
Agreements
You can’t save your marriage alone.
The affair is not the betrayed spouse’s fault.
Cheaters are self-focused.
Marriage counseling shouldn’t be your first option.
Trust should be earned.
Boundaries are needed.
There is life after infidelity.
There is no obligation to reconcile.
Disagreements
Disagreement #1: You are a “chump” if you focus on hope for your marriage.
From the author: “Asking a marriage counselor if your marriage can be saved is like asking a barber if you need a haircut.”
Let me first admit that I am in partial agreement with what the author has to say on this point. Too many counseling services and products promise (for a fee) to help a betrayed spouse save their marriage without the cooperation of the betrayer. And when these methods don’t work, the wounded partner is left to shamefully conclude, “I couldn’t get that right, either,” accepting inappropriate blame.
We should probably throw religious leaders into this mix as well. Many well-meaning people are too quick to direct a betrayed spouse into attempts to save their marriage. That is a risk they are not required to make and should not be pressured to do so.
But denying hope for a healed marriage is a shift to the opposite extreme. The book leaves very little room for this consideration. In fact, the author wants to push chumps in the opposite direction. She writes, “I’m not here to help you save your marriage after infidelity. I’m here to help you save your sanity and protect yourself.”
Here’s the truth: there is hope. I’ve seen healing in marriages, the kind of healing that moves a couple back into connection and trust. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, many couples do not experience this. But marriage healing after an affair is not a foolish hope.
The best healing choice for some is to leave their marriage, but that is not only choice for everyone.
Disagreement #2: Reconciliation is a myth.
From the author: “I liken successful reconciliation to a unicorn—a mythical creature that I want to believe in, but that is rarely sighted.”
There are many examples of marriages that somehow managed to avoid divorce after infidelity, but fail to experience a genuine return to intimacy. Online forums are filled with stories of people who tried to fix their relationship yet remain disappointed and frustrated. I can understand the tendency to conclude that reconciliation is little more than an empty dream.
However, couples can and do reconcile in mutually satisfying ways. Some of them are open about their stories, while many remain private about this part of their lives. Every decent affair recovery therapist I know can account for many strong marriages despite the devastation of an affair.
Reconciliation is not the only outcome, but it is a true one.
Disagreement #3: Leave no room for grace.
From the author: “This is what enforcing a boundary looks like—the cheater decides to commit to the marriage then and there—or you put their crap in Hefty bags and throw it on the lawn for the raccoons.”
This book is a great counter to the common tendencies of “chumps” to overlook the severity of the betrayal. Forgiveness and trust can be granted too quickly and easily.
But I want to live in a world that values grace and makes room for it. I know it is empowering to embrace justice and agree that many betrayed spouses SHOULD be taking a much stronger stand for their own well-being, but there is a way to balance grace and justice. I believe we are better people when we do.
To be clear, I am not suggesting that traumatized spouses should just roll over with an “It’s okay, I still love you attitude.” Real grace will still establish real boundaries. Grace is not the same thing as trust. Some cheaters should never be trusted again, but I would still encourage a consideration of grace, not just pure justice.
Disagreement #4: Cheaters have one primary motive.
From the author: “Why do people cheat? Because they can. It’s that simple. People cheat because they value their autonomy to engage in affairs more than they value your well-being.”
No motive justifies betrayal, but it’s not accurate to say that the same reason drives every cheater. Every cheater is 100% responsible for their choice and its consequences, but understanding an affair means giving attention to the unique vulnerabilities at play.
These vulnerabilities are not reasons or excuses. The unfaithful spouse had a multitude of other choices they could have made, but understanding the various influences at play in a person’s life is necessary for healing, whether or not the marriage survives. Many cheaters did not choose to cheat before, even when there was an opportunity to do so. It's important to gain insight into the vulnerabilities at play so that appropriate changes can be made and necessary boundaries established. Only then can there be a secure return to trustworthiness.
Yes, at the core of every affair is selfishness, but cheaters do not all pop out of the same mold.
Disagreement #4: Cheaters don’t change.
From the author: “I believe people cheat because they give themselves permission to cheat—and that’s a matter of character… After suffering my own series of false reconciliations, reading infidelity boards, and running my own blog, I’ve yet to see the grateful, prodigal unicorn.”
I doubt the author would claim that a cheater could never change, but it seems clear that she believes it is so rare that it is a near-fantasy. I wonder if her story has attracted similar stories.
Over 20 years ago, I was a cheater. I am not a cheater now. And I know many other former cheaters who have long years of evidence pointing to their trustworthiness.
Some spouses have always been and will always be cheaters. Some spouses cheat once and never cheat again. And some were habitual cheaters who, like addicts, become “sober” in their relationships.
Thank God there is hope for us!
Who will be helped (or hindered) by reading this book?
There is so much I love about this book, but I would not recommend it to someone who has just discovered their spouse’s affair any more than I would recommend a “You Must Save Your Marriage” book. There can be a wise balance.
Neither would I recommend the book to someone who leans toward offering a period of grace before making final choices.
But I would recommend this book, with the caveats I’ve mentioned in this review, to an injured spouse who fits any of these descriptions:
They blame themselves for the affair, or believe there must be something “wrong” with them.
They assume responsibility for fixing the marriage.
They remain in a relationship with an unfaithful spouse who is uncertain, defensive, accusing, or unwilling to take the lead in healing the injury they caused.
They feel hopelessly victimized.
They feel pressured to reconcile when they don’t want to.
They believe the only good outcome is an intact marriage.
The author’s empowering message, mixed with a good dose of humor, would be a welcome relief to anyone who feels trapped and alone. It will help them leave the cheater and reclaim their life.
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