After betrayal, the holidays are often more of a challenge than a celebration. Here are a few tips to help you get through the next couple of weeks.

One woman posted online that she used to be the “cookies and candles” person, but now she just cried and wondered whether any of it was real. Her partner’s betrayal landed right on top of Christmas memories, turning traditions into triggers.

If that’s you, if you feel anxious just thinking about Christmas and New Year’s, there’s something I want you to know: You don’t owe anyone a normal holiday; you owe yourself a safer one.

So here’s a plan for getting through the holidays this year.

(1) Decide: What’s the Minimum Viable Holiday?

Before you discuss who’s hosting what, start with one grounding question: What version of the holidays would do the least harm?

Pick the one you need this year:

Full Participation (only if you’re genuinely stable enough)
Modified Participation (shorter visits, fewer events, separate arrivals, less tradition)
Protective Mode (skip events, travel, keep it private, do something radically simpler)

(2) Make a Trigger Map (Yes, on Purpose)

List your top triggers: songs, church services, certain relatives, photos, alcohol, gift-giving, bedtime, travel, social media, matching pajamas—whatever they are. Now add two columns:

What I’ll do if it hits
What I need from my partner if it hits

If you’re with your partner, talk to them about this so they know what you need from them.

(3) Replace Old Rituals Instead of Forcing Them

If an old tradition feels contaminated, don’t make yourself “push through.” Try one new ritual for Christmas week:

a night drive to see lights and have some hot chocolate
a morning walk with one shared intention for the day
a simple “new year letter” to yourself (not your partner) about what you’re reclaiming

If you write yourself a letter, use FutureMe.org to send it to yourself later this year.

(4) Set Two Holiday Boundaries (Only Two)

If you set too many boundaries, you likely won’t enforce them. Choose two that matter most.

Examples:

“We will not drink at family gatherings this year.”
“If I’m triggered, I can leave with no argument.”
“We won’t do ‘happy couple’ photos for social media.”
“We will not discuss affair details at events—only afterwards during an intentional conversation.”

(5) If You’re the Unfaithful Partner: Your Job Is Not Cheer. It’s Safety.

Your holiday role this year is clear: be consistent and considerate, be transparent, be emotionally available, and don’t make their pain any more inconvenient than it already is.

(6) Schedule a “January Debrief” Now

Put it on the calendar today: a post-holiday debrief in early January and answer two questions:

“What made it harder?”
“What made it safer?”

This prevents the holiday from becoming a silent scar you carry for another year.

One last thing (and I mean this):

If you cry in Target.
If you can’t wrap gifts.
If you don’t want to go to the party.
If New Year’s feels like a deadline you’d rather avoid…

You’re not failing; you’re grieving. That’s probably something you need to do this year. It will be better next year, and the year after that.

The win this season is not “We had a great Christmas.” The win is: “We didn’t lose ourselves.” Maybe that’s enough for now.

The Not-So-Happy Holidays