Do People Cheat in a Happy Relationship?
Doctors John & Julie Gottman have been leading relationship research for decades. Here’s what they have to say about whether people in a happy relationship cheat. I have an additional comment below. -Tim Tedder
Additional Thought…
I frequently hear people suggest that infidelity occurs because "something was missing" in the relationship. On the surface, I agree, but the inference that follows usually oversimplifies and too often focuses on the fault of a marriage or a partner's inadequacy.
Perhaps a better way to say it is that an affair usually occurs when there is a disconnection in the relationship. That framing is closer to the truth, but it needs some important caveats:
Periods of disconnection occur in every relationship to one degree or another, at one time or another.
There are remedies to disconnection that do not require cheating.
The disconnection that a partner feels, and often uses to justify a connection with someone else, is often due to their own failure to do what's necessary to maintain an intimate connection in their marriage. They often don't recognize their own responsibility because they—like all of us—have spent a lifetime interpreting their feelings and behaviors as normal. It's usually the "other person's" fault.
The starting place for relationship healing after an affair is not by trying to address the marriage problems; it needs to start with the unfaithful partner's recognition of how they contributed to the circumstances that led to their justification of infidelity. After that, both partners will need to accept responsibility for change for the marriage to heal.
