The Affair Pattern Repeats
This woman’s story was previously posted on an Affair Healing forum. Tim Tedder provides a response.
Her Story
This is not our first time dealing with an affair. The first incident was about 15 years ago.
At that time, my husband wanted a divorce because he said he was no longer in love with me. So we went all the way to see a divorce lawyer. At that time, I wanted him to try, but he was unwilling since he thought he knew himself too well, and counseling was never his thing.
Then, something happened with the other woman. She was not what he thought she was. So, he decided he wasn't sure if he wanted to go through with the divorce. I'm not sure if he wanted to have his cake and eat it too, but he came back, and things seemed ok. We never fought or argued. We seemed like a perfectly agreeable couple.
Now, almost two years later, I find out it’s happening again.
He and I both travel, separately, for work a lot. I sometimes sense something is off, but I try not to trigger any negativity while we're together. That may seem odd, but that's just how I am.
I’ve discovered that he’s connected with a 26-year-old woman he met in Europe, but I don't know the extent of their relationship. I keep telling myself to stop trolling since that does me no good…
During all this, I know he’s been dealing with a lot of financial pressure. I am not trying to excuse his affair, but I do sympathize with his current state of mind. But this time, if he can’t take more responsibility and work on change, then I don't think I can be in the relationship either. My kids are grown up and I am kind of tired of dragging this marriage with an unwilling partner.
I cannot do this anymore. As much as I would like him to come back, I think I can survive without him.
Tim’s Response
It’s clear that you’ve made an effort. You’ve tried to understand him, to keep peace, to avoid making things worse. But now, standing in the shadow of another betrayal, you’re facing the questions every betrayed partner eventually has to ask: What now? What about me?
You’re not cold for setting boundaries. You’re not unforgiving for saying, “I can’t do this again.” You’re wise to recognize that change only occurs when both partners are willing to put in the work. Sympathizing with your husband’s stress shows your compassion, but your clarity about needing more than good intentions shows your strength. Trust isn’t rebuilt with good intentions; it requires change—a commitment to demonstrate trustworthiness.
This is something he should have provided after the first affair, but, like many who’ve been caught cheating, it seems he took the easy way out: saying, “I’m sorry, it won’t happen again, so let’s just get back to normal life.” Unfortunately, that’s not how the wounds of betrayal are healed. That’s not how the bonds of a relationship are made secure again.
Whether or not he chooses to change, you’ve already started to reclaim something valuable: your own choice for change. And with that clarity, I sense someone who may still hurt… but is no longer helpless.
You can survive without him. I encourage you to seek help from someone who can assist you in nurturing your self-care and maintaining healthy boundaries. Based on past patterns, it may be challenging for you to retain them if he returns to a stance of “I’m sorry; let’s move on.” You deserve more than that.
For more help, read the article: Dealing with an Uncertain or Uncooperative Partner.
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