Affair Reaction: Agony, Chaos, and Confusion
Reaction: Stage 2 of Affair Recovery for Couples
Written by Tim Tedder
“Never in a million years would I have imagined this would happen to me. I am overtaken with every emotion and am not sure I’ll be able to heal. Forgiveness is not even on my radar right now. Part of me wants to just get up and leave... I have been in so much agony that just getting through another day has been very difficult.”
Once an affair is revealed, nothing feels stable. The relationship, once familiar, even if imperfect, has been ruptured. In this stage, both partners are raw, reactive, and uncertain of what to do next. Yet the first responses of affair reaction often shape everything that comes after.
While change can happen at any point in recovery, the reactions in these early moments often point to whether a relationship moves toward repair or continues to unravel.
The instructions I provide in this and subsequent chapters are meant for situations where the unfaithful spouse has ended the affair and both partners are willing to consider staying together. If that is not the case (if one is still entangled in the affair, or either partner is not committed to relationship renewal), then the focus should be on pursuing separate, individual help.
The Involved Spouse’s Affair Reaction
The partner who had the affair may feel guilt, fear, shame, or even panic. In some cases, there’s confusion about what they truly want. The worst instincts are to withdraw, defend, or downplay. But this is a critical moment to show courage, not self-protection.
Many factors affect the outcome of affair recovery, but none are as significant as the initial steps taken by the unfaithful spouse once the affair is exposed. Taking the proper steps is essential if the marriage is to be healed. No behaviors impact the outcome of the relationship renewal process more than the following two steps taken by the unfaithful spouse.
1st Step for the Involved Spouse: Commit to Honesty
When your infidelity is exposed, you will likely face a barrage of questions from your spouse in their effort to make sense of this new reality. How you answer will determine which path of renewal your marriage will take: the long road back to trust, the extremely long road back to trust, or the road that never returns you to trust.
Avoid these two extremes: refusing to provide an honest account of the affair, or spilling out every detail about it. The tendency to be dishonest may be driven by a desire to save yourself or your spouse from further hurt, but lying will always impair a return to trustworthiness. Alternatively, although a complete and exhaustive confession may provide some immediate relief, the revealed details may cause unnecessary damage.
While you and your spouse are experiencing intense emotional reactions following the revelation of your infidelity, neither of you is likely able to make careful choices regarding which questions to ask and answer. I recommend you say something like this:
“I am sorry for what I have done. I will be completely honest with you about everything, but I don’t want to do even more damage to you or to our marriage. Let’s get help from someone who can guide us through this process. In the end, I promise to be truthful about everything you ask.”
Your spouse may disregard this proposal and accuse you of trying to control the situation. Your guilt may make it very difficult to stand against their pressure to give every detail, but I encourage you to make every attempt to get help before you delve into a full accounting of the affair. In the meantime, continue to stress your commitment to honesty.
Of course, your spouse does have the right to know some things immediately. In most cases, I encourage quick and honest answers to these questions:
What kind of relationship was it?
Emotional? Physical? Sexual? Resist going into detail about physical or sexual acts.Who was it with?
Your spouse needs to understand the threat and insist on appropriate boundaries. If the answer to this question carries a risk of significant consequences (your affair was with a member of their family, for example), it would be best to hold this information until you are with someone who can offer appropriate support to both of you.Is it completely over?
What do you want now?
Take the initiative to seek out a counselor. If you are choosing to expose your affair, I would encourage you to have an appointment set before you make your confession. If your affair was discovered, be the first one to suggest, “We need to find someone who can help us. Would you mind if I started looking?” A qualified caregiver will guide you toward a healthy uncovering of the truth and set you on the best path toward forgiveness and restored trust.
2nd Step for the Involved Spouse: Commit to the Work of Renewal
If you don’t already know this, let me make it very clear: Relationship renewal is a lengthy and difficult process. I would be lying if I told you it could be quick and easy. It is so hard, in fact, that it would be ridiculous to commit to such a course without reasonable hope that the benefits can outweigh the costs.
They can.
If you commit to the work of renewal and your spouse joins you in the effort, you may experience personal and relational change that is surprisingly satisfying. However, there will be many ups and downs between the present reality and that future hope.
Whether or not your spouse is immediately certain of their choice regarding your marriage, you should clearly communicate that you accept responsibility for the mess you made, you understand that healing will be a long process, and you are devoted to doing the necessary work.
The more you take initiative in the renewal of your marriage, the easier it will be for your spouse to ease into trust again. If, however, you leave it up to your betrayed spouse to set counseling appointments, initiate conversations about the affair, or beg for comfort, then it will take much longer for them to be convinced that you sincerely desire change.
Your message should be straightforward: “For as long as it takes, and as long as you’re willing to hope in our marriage, I will work hard to earn back your trust.”
The Injured Spouse’s Affair Reaction
The betrayed partner is likely in emotional freefall—hurt, disoriented, furious, and afraid. Trust is gone, and everything may feel surreal. The fight-or-flight instinct is normal, but unfiltered reactions can compound the pain. The goal isn’t to suppress the hurt, but to learn how to express it without causing more harm.
Consider the betrayed partner’s initial response to their spouse’s affair. At the moment of exposure, stress rises rapidly. Feelings of intense hurt and fear can trigger survival instincts that assume control over rational thinking. In this state, people become hyper-focused on any apparent threat and react by attacking or retreating—a fight-or-flight response.
If left uncontrolled, these instinctive reactions may add to the significant damage that has already been done to the marriage. At first, the wounded partner probably has no ability to control them, and any suggestion that they “calm down” will be appropriately met with defensiveness. However, I encourage a return to intentional, measured responses as quickly as the betrayed spouse is able to do so.
Here are two steps a betrayed spouse can take that will contribute to a quicker process of healing and renewal.
1st Step for the Injured Spouse: Delay Your Responses
As much as you would like to wind back the clock and undo your spouse’s infidelity, you know you cannot. You both will need to work through its consequences. Now, however, you have your own contributions to make to this experience, and you can make them in a way that avoids additional regrets. Perhaps the best way to accomplish this is by making every effort to pause before you react.
Delay Your Words
You have probably heard the expression, “You can’t unring the bell.” Neither can you unsay the words you speak. What you say will have the power to destroy or the power to heal. While you are in emotional turmoil, it may be very difficult to control what you say. If so, try to delay your verbal responses for a while.
Yes, your spouse may “deserve” whatever comes out of you. And yes, you will need to be completely honest when it comes to helping them understand the deep consequences of their affair. However, there is a way to communicate those things constructively rather than destructively.
It may take you a while to become stable enough to have constructive conversations. Until then, try to delay the harsh words that come to mind. Even if you have never written in a journal, now may be a good time to start. When you have strong reactions, commit to writing them before speaking them. This intentional thoughtfulness will become a buffer against quick words you later regret.
Delay Your Decisions
When you experience trauma, you will feel confused. During this period of confusion, avoid making any permanent decisions regarding your spouse or your marriage. There is no choice that you cannot make a few months from now, so remove the pressure by deciding to wait before you give thought to any question that requires a final response.
Delay Your Questions
When you first learn about an affair, you have a million unanswered questions. Most betrayed spouses will begin immediate interrogations, but the information gained may provide short-term relief at the cost of long-term struggle. You don’t even know what answers will help or hurt you in the coming months, so wait before you begin asking a lot of questions. Get input from a counselor or a mature, trusted advisor before you ask them.
I wish I could step between spouses at the moment of affair exposure and create a buffer against the flood of questions that are likely to start pouring out. I know it will be beneficial for the betrayed partner to put a pause on most of them. For now, perhaps all they need to know is this: Is the affair completely over? Do you want me? Are you willing to do the work to fix our marriage?
Allow some time to pass before you decide which details about the affair are necessary and helpful for you to know.
2nd Step for the Injured Spouse: Ask For Help
You need support. Let me repeat that.
You need support.
Do not let feelings of privacy or shame keep you from telling someone. Do not let your spouse convince you not to tell anyone. You need support.
Find someone who is trustworthy, compassionate, and will respect your choice to heal your marriage. It may be a friend, a family member, a mentor, a religious leader, or a counselor, but make sure you find someone else to help you get through this. People who refuse to share their story with anyone else tend to struggle more deeply and for longer periods of time than those who have at least one other person encouraging them through the process.
The Purpose of the Reaction Stage
The goal in the affair reaction stage isn’t to fix everything. It’s to steady yourself. First reactions set the emotional tone for what comes next.
If both partners can hold space for honesty, support, and restraint, the healing process has a better chance of beginning. In the next stage, we move from emotional shock to deeper understanding.
