Understanding an Affair - What Happened? Why Did It Happen? What’s Next?
Clarity: Stage 3 of Affair Recovery for Couples
Written by Tim Tedder
“My wife didn’t remember every detail. I think she was being honest. She told so many lies, it must be impossible to remember all of them... The details that helped me start to ‘put it to bed’ were: How did she hide it from me? How did she communicate with him? How did it start? Where was I? When did it end? Why did it end?”
After an affair is exposed, most couples enter a fog of confusion. Trust is shattered. Emotions are raw. And decisions about the future feel impossible to make.
The Clarity Stage is about slowing down and seeing clearly. What really happened? Why did it happen? What do we want now? The goal isn’t just survival—it’s understanding. And that understanding will guide what comes next.
During this stage, some marriages end, but most survive. For couples who desire a renewed marriage, not just a salvaged one, careful attention should be given to the manner in which they attempt to gain clear perspectives. Not only is there risk in doing too little work in the pursuit of clarity, there is also the possibility of doing too much.
Gaining Clarity About the PAST
The Facts
As I have already stated, I strongly encourage couples to seek the help of a counselor before they delve into conversations about the details of an affair. Emotionally charged conversations may feel like they provide momentary relief or protection, but they often end up causing additional long-term damage to the marriage. When deciding what information should be avoided or explored, each spouse may feel compelled to overcompensate with either choice.
Consider the unfaithful spouse. To avoid shame or further conflict, many will often lie about the affair or refuse to talk about it at all. They convince themselves that being truthful will only result in more consequences, but this choice only assures that trust will never be re-established, even if the marriage remains intact.
On the other hand, some make the opposite choice by regurgitating an unedited account of the affair in an effort to come completely clean. While this may provide relief to their conscience, it transfers unnecessary burdens to the partner who will now have to carry every sordid detail of their betrayal.
Consider the injured spouse. In some instances, the desire to evade pain, minimize conflict, or avert any risk to the security of the marriage may cause them to declare, “I don’t want to know anything about what happened. If it’s over; let’s just move on.” This is an adequate choice if the goal is simply to avoid divorce, but not if there is any hope for the full experience of healing that must include forgiveness, trust, and intimacy.
Most wounded spouses, however, gravitate toward the other extreme: asking for a full and complete account of the affair. They do this without any awareness of how damaging some details might be. Clients who have experienced healing do not come back and say, “I wish I had more details about the affair,” but many have admitted, “I wish I didn’t know so much” because each detail became a hook for the affair memory to remain attached to them, long after they wanted to let it go.
As one person stated in an online post:
“The details of sex acts were far more destructive than helpful. I still have those movies in my head. Please learn this lesson from me. You don't want to know these details.”
When determining how much affair information should be shared, there is no single answer that fits every situation. However, I believe there are two guidelines every couple should follow.
1. The unfaithful spouse should tell only the truth.
2. The betrayed spouse should know enough about the affair to be able to establish appropriate boundaries and know what needs to be forgiven.
Examples:
“I wanted to tell the truth so that she would know everything about me; no lies or things hidden away only to be rediscovered later on, and then having to deal with the shock all over again. And I needed accountability. I wanted to stop keeping secrets and avoiding consequences. I wanted Julia to know what I struggled with and know I was serious about moving forward with her.” [Rick]
“I thought I'd been doing damage control by not admitting to certain things about my affairs. I knew the truth would hurt her more, and so I didn't want to admit to some things. I was so used to lying, it felt like I didn't even know how to tell the truth. For a while, I was constantly correcting myself... saying something one day and then calling her up the next to say I'm sorry for lying and then telling the truth.
“Being committed to honesty became empowering. It was easier to just admit the truth than to keep trying to control all the information. I eventually told her, ‘Okay, I'll make you this promise: I won't lie to you, but you won't always like what you get.’
“That was freedom. It felt like I could cut loose from all the bullshit and start focusing on making our marriage better.” [Craig]
Within these parameters, a couple will still need to determine how much information should be discussed. To get a sense of what information should be shared, consider the Affair Knowledge graph below. If the bar represents knowledge about the affair, the highest point represents absolute knowledge.
Absolute knowledge includes every thought, word, feeling, and action that occurred. Nothing is left out. But nobody retains absolute knowledge of any event in their lives. Once something has passed, we are only left with the memory of it. Our memories, however, are not perfectly reliable records of life events. Some details are missing, while others are forgotten or altered over time.
The inability to remember past events with perfect recall is especially true when a person is deceptive. Information about a deceptive event is more loosely stored and more easily altered. Unfaithful partners will often find it difficult to recall certain dates and details, even when attempting to be completely honest. After their affair, they are left with what they are able to recollect, the remembered knowledge about the affair, which will diminish over time.
It is the pool of remembered knowledge, not absolute knowledge, that the betrayed spouse can draw from.[1] They will need to decide how much of this information is truly necessary for personal healing and relationship renewal. Although the immediate impulse is to uncover as much as possible in hopes of gaining clarity, the risk of inflicting further emotional damage is significant.
As a counselor, I never dictate what a betrayed spouse can or cannot ask. They need to be in control of the process. All I can do is share passionately from my experience with hundreds of couples, letting them know the potential consequences and benefits of their inquiries.
Which questions they ask will be determined by what they consider to be necessary knowledge: the information required in order to move toward forgiveness and begin healing from the affair. Some will determine they need to know quite a bit. Others will need to know only a little.
The following questions should be part of the necessary knowledge for any healing process. Any additional knowledge should be carefully considered to determine whether it is truly necessary.
When and how did the affair start?
How far did it go (emotionally, physically, sexually)?
Is there any chance of disease or pregnancy?
Is that relationship completely over? Will you have any further contact with the affair partner? How confident are you that you will not want to re-establish connection with that person again?
Do you want our marriage? Do you love me? What are you willing to do to help me heal?
Tell me what you learned (or are learning) from this and how you think it will affect our marriage in the future.
Let me give some final warnings about dealing with the facts of an affair by considering four approaches to fact-finding that can prevent relationship recovery. Let's call them the four truth barriers: circumstances that prevent a couple from reaching restorative clarity about the real facts of infidelity.
The Four Truth Barriers
Barrier 1: Hidden Facts
When the involved partner withholds details that result in an inaccurate perspective of their affair (changing the timeline, minimizing the extent of involvement, reducing the frequency, etc.), they continue a pattern of dishonesty. They lie by omission, creating an incomplete (false) version of the truth.
The concern is over the parts of the story that provide an accurate view of the overall truth, like: When did it start/end? Who was involved? How far did it go? Is anything still going on? As mentioned before, I am not advocating for the exposure of every detail.
Hiding essential facts can cause a barrier to re-establishing trust, prohibit the relief of an honest confession, and significantly increase the likelihood that any healing progress will be sabotaged by future revelations.
Barrier 2: False Facts
The first barrier is caused by lies of omission (leaving out necessary truth); the second is caused by lies of commission (declaring falsehood). In my experience, attempts to create a false narrative of the truth almost always result in additional damage and pain. And since the need was for complete honesty after the shattering of trust, any evidence that the involved partner continued to lie causes recovery to be significantly more difficult and frequently impossible.
Barrier 3: Overwhelming Facts
The risk of learning “too much” information is covered in other areas of this guide. I add it again here to identify it as one of the Truth Barriers, not because it keeps the truth out, but because it lets too much in. Realizing that some truth heals and some truth hinders is an essential principle for injured partners to embrace.
Barrier 4: Imagined Facts
After betrayal, self-protective instincts become hyper-focused on identifying dangers in the past, present, and future. For some injured partners, this instinct goes into overdrive and becomes relentless. They infuse every questionable circumstance with a conviction that it is further evidence of dishonesty and betrayal. For some, this tendency becomes irrational. They bypass the most logical interpretation of an incident and assume it is another indication of a lie.
These people are in significant turmoil, convinced that their partner continues to lie, even though there is no real evidence of their assumptions. By the time I become part of their story, these agonizing clients have spent months or years gathering a list of evidence to support their accusations. Each piece of evidence seems clear to them, even though an objective observer would likely place these conclusions at the bottom of a list of more likely explanations.
The injured partner who is dealing with imagined facts is usually not able to easily accept this premise. Instead, they believe the problem is one of hidden facts or false facts. The betrayer will not be able to argue them out of this belief. Their frustration with being falsely accused is viewed as the defensive response of a guilty person! It is usually the objective perspective of a friend or counselor advocating for them both that may help introduce a more balanced perspective.
The Reasons
Questions regarding the who, what, when, where and how of an affair are relatively objective and can be answered, if remembered, with clear statements. The question of why, however, offers more of a challenge for the following reasons:
The answer is more subjective, not simply a statement of facts.
A complete answer almost always includes multiple reasons, not just a single one. Like a puzzle, a true understanding of the reasons for an affair can only be reached by finding the various pieces and putting them together.
The unfaithful spouse may have limited insight into all the conditions that contributed to their vulnerability. Answering the question with only the most obvious explanation may be incomplete, missing some important pieces to the puzzle.
Honest attempts to answer the why questions are often misinterpreted as “making excuses.”
Even after attempts to answer this question as completely and accurately as possible, a betrayed spouse rarely feels satisfied by the response. I believe the reason for this is that no reply to “Why did you do this?” can ever negate the fact that the unfaithful spouse made a choice they did not have to make.
In the end, perhaps the most honest response is simply, “I did this because I wanted to. I acted selfishly and hurt you in the process. But I realize I don’t want that; I want you. If you’re willing to risk trusting me again, I will learn from this experience and make changes that keep us safe from this happening again.”
To adequately explore the possible contributions to an affair choice and understand why that decision was made, the impact of these four influences should be explored:
Historical Influences: family of origin, traumatic events (especially ones related to relationship or sexuality)
Personal Influences: personal values, preferences, traits
Marital Influences: the state of the marriage before and during the affair
Circumstantial Influences: unique conditions that contributed to the choice
None of these provides a reason for a person's choice of an affair; they simply provide insight into a person’s vulnerability to that choice. In each case, some influences are stronger than others, and some may not have played any part at all. (For example, some people have affairs even though they report having a satisfying marriage.) Couples who gain insight into these influences will understand they can guard against future risk by making changes in those vulnerable areas.
One more word about the work of recognizing the reasons for an affair… Sometimes we only see the full picture of our choices in hindsight. Insight deepens as we grow. The goal isn’t to answer every 'why' today, but to keep asking openly and honestly.
Finding Clarity In the FUTURE
Before a couple can move to the next stage of Cooperation, they must agree on their goal. The clearer their objective becomes, the more confident they will be in the steps they take toward it. The goal should attract them toward the desired change in the marriage.
Choose Goals That Attract.
The best goals define desirable outcomes rather than focusing on undesirable ones. A couple may spend all their energies avoiding every danger, only to end up in a place that feels incomplete and unsatisfying. By focusing on a goal that is appealing to both partners, they will naturally move away from unsatisfactory circumstances toward a mutually gratifying one.
Examples: Goals Focused on Avoiding
Prevent a divorce.
Stop the pain.
Never hurt like this again.
Define our dissatisfactions with each other and focus on eliminating unwanted behaviors.
Examples: Goals Focused on Attracting
Find our way to real connection.
Learn how to provide comfort and relief for each other.
Rebuild a relationship that is secure and trustworthy.
Recognize the ways we each can do better at loving well.
One summer, I was driving through North Carolina at midnight with a gas tank that was only one-quarter full. When I left Florida earlier that day, I had heard news about a gas shortage, but I did not realize the seriousness of the problem until I began looking for a place to fill up. All the gas stations were out of fuel, and cars were parked at the pumps in the hope that supply trucks would deliver some the next day.
I was on a deadline. If I didn’t make it to Indiana by morning, I would miss an important family event.
I contacted a relative who lived in the state, and she started identifying the many cities I should avoid because they would be out of gas for days. That did not help me much. Even if I drove away from all those places, I had little assurance of finding the help I needed.
Then she called with a message of hope. “I heard they still have gas in Pigeon Forge, Kentucky. Do you have enough gas to make it there? Their stations are open until 3:00 AM.”
I wasn’t sure I had enough gas, but I knew where to go to get what I needed. I set a straight course for Pigeon Forge, bypassing every exit, arriving with just enough fuel to power me to a pump where I filled my car’s tank again.
Defining a target to move toward rather than away from will give your marriage a much better chance of progressing in a desirable direction.
Your Goal Must Require Change.
“I just want things to be like they were before.”
They never will be. An affair changes the marriage story forever. That is a terrible truth for most betrayed spouses to realize. Without their input or permission, choices were made that altered the course of their marriage in ways they never expected or wanted.
That’s the bad news, but there is hope, too. Since the story of the marriage has changed, a couple has the power to shape the next chapters. Working together, they can experience a good marriage. Some couples report a deeper, more satisfying marriage because of the changes they were willing to make.
In an informative TED Talk presented by relationship therapist Esther Perel (Rethinking Infidelity), she makes this exact point.
“Because I think that good can come out of an affair, I have often been asked this very strange question: Would I ever recommend it? Now, I would never recommend you to have an affair any more than I would recommend you to have cancer, and yet we know that people who have been ill often talk about how their illness has given them a new perspective….
“Today, in the West, most of us are going to have two or three marriages, and some of us are going to do it with the same person. Your first marriage is over. Would you like to create a second one together?”
Finding Clarity In the PRESENT
During the first two stages of Exposure and Reaction, there is an intense focus on the present as the wounded partner reacts with survival instincts. Before long-term decisions are considered, they should regain stability and safety by moving through the stage of Clarity. From this more stable perspective, choices should be determined by gaining clarity of the past (to decide whether they choose to stay in the marriage or move out of it) and the future (to define their desired outcome).
The choices you make each day in your marriage should be based on whether or not they lead you toward the desired goal. You will feel lost if you have no vision of a hopeful destiny. If you see the goal, you will know the next step to take toward it, even when pain and discouragement try to turn you away.
Clarity doesn’t eliminate struggle, but it lights the path forward. You don’t have to figure everything out right now, but each insight is a step toward healing.
[1] A betrayed partner can gain information about the affair that is no longer part of their spouse’s remembered knowledge. Retrieving additional available knowledge can be accomplished through investigation, either on their own or by a professional. In my opinion, investigation is a valid option when the person who had the affair is obviously not being honest about it.
But when it seems the unfaithful spouse is committed to truthfulness and cooperating in the renewal process, uncovering additional information (facts that are part of the absolute knowledge that may not be part of the remembered knowledge) is usually of little benefit.
