Affair Counseling: A Specialized Focus
by Tim Tedder | Articles Index
A man with high blood pressure was hit by a truck while crossing a street. As he lay broken and bloodied, a doctor rushed to his aid. He quickly assessed the situation and then exclaimed, "Man, you're in poor health. You need to give more attention to diet and exercise!"
Ridiculous? Sure. But I'm surprised at how many times a couple in crisis will come to me and tell me essentially the same story about their previous counseling experience. Even though they had just experienced the trauma of an affair, the counselor spent one or two sessions asking questions about their condition and then began to focus on issues like communication and conflict resolution. In fact, some counselors went so far as to tell the couple that it would not be beneficial for them to focus on the affair.
And so the couple tried to do what they were told; they struggled to practice the fundamentals of healthy relationship while their marriage continued to bleed out. When I hear stories like these, I am infuriated because I know someone failed to give the help they needed. Focusing on relationship basics is certainly an important part of the counseling process, but only after a couple is stable enough to do so.
Why do some counselors deal so poorly with affair issues? I assume that most of them just are not knowledgable enough or comfortable enough with such messy situations. They turn so quickly to the basic skills because they feel more confident in these areas. But their effectiveness is usually no better than a doctor who prescribes blood pressure medicine to an accident victim without treating his wounds.
Here's what one client had to say about her initial counseling experience:
Ridiculous? Sure. But I'm surprised at how many times a couple in crisis will come to me and tell me essentially the same story about their previous counseling experience. Even though they had just experienced the trauma of an affair, the counselor spent one or two sessions asking questions about their condition and then began to focus on issues like communication and conflict resolution. In fact, some counselors went so far as to tell the couple that it would not be beneficial for them to focus on the affair.
And so the couple tried to do what they were told; they struggled to practice the fundamentals of healthy relationship while their marriage continued to bleed out. When I hear stories like these, I am infuriated because I know someone failed to give the help they needed. Focusing on relationship basics is certainly an important part of the counseling process, but only after a couple is stable enough to do so.
Why do some counselors deal so poorly with affair issues? I assume that most of them just are not knowledgable enough or comfortable enough with such messy situations. They turn so quickly to the basic skills because they feel more confident in these areas. But their effectiveness is usually no better than a doctor who prescribes blood pressure medicine to an accident victim without treating his wounds.
Here's what one client had to say about her initial counseling experience:
The first counselor I went to really confused me. She wanted us to process the whole affair in one or two sessions and seemed to place all the responsibility on me. She said I needed to forgive him right away in order for our marriage to heal. It felt like I was being asked to ignore all the pain and confusion I was feeling. -Lauren
If your marriage needs a tune-up, then most counselors are going to be able to help you find your way to a more satisfying relationship. But if it has experienced a trauma, be more intentional about finding a therapist who has expertise and experience in the area of affair recovery. Make sure the wounds have been treated before you return to the "diet and exercise" of your relationship.
In episode 205 of our Recovery Room podcast, another affair recovery counselor and I discussed eight cautions for anyone considering affair recovery therapy. In summary, here's what we said:
In episode 205 of our Recovery Room podcast, another affair recovery counselor and I discussed eight cautions for anyone considering affair recovery therapy. In summary, here's what we said:
- Don't start couples counseling until the affair has ended (with the exception of Discernment Counseling).
- Once both partners agree to work out decisions together, start joint counseling. Avoid ongoing individual counseling without couple's counseling.
- Find a counselor who is well experienced in affair recovery work.
- Don't let finances keep you from counseling. Consider the options and find the right balance between controlling expenses and getting effective help.
- Make sure the counselor's goals are in line with yours.
- Go into each session with a focus on ways you can be helped toward change rather than with an agenda to change your partner.
- Once you start joint counseling, any ongoing individual therapy should be conducted with a different counselor.
- Remain in counseling until the marriage has self-sustaining momentum into intimacy and trust.
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