Will my spouse ever forgive and trust me again?
Will my spouse ever forgive me?
I don't know. I hope they will, not just for your sake but for theirs as well. It will be more difficult for both of you to move on if forgiveness is not given. And without it, your marriage has no hope of flourishing.
But forgiveness is a gift. You can ask for it, hope for it, and work hard to make amends, but you cannot demand forgiveness.
What your spouse needs from you:
Time to work through their anger and grief. Your spouse will need to do this before he/she is ready to deal with the issue of forgiveness. At a minimum, this will take weeks. More likely, it will take months. And don't be surprised if your spouse offers a quick "I forgive you" at the beginning of the process but then seems to back away once the initial shock wears off. This is normal. It's healthy. The forgiveness they offer you after they deal honestly and entirely with the affair will be more genuine and valuable than forgiveness that is too quickly offered.
Evidence that you have sincerely taken responsibility for the wrong that was done. Your spouse needs more than just an "I'm sorry, now let's move on" from you. You must continue "acting in apology" toward them while they heal. Don't expect to live in the doghouse forever, but you may be in and out of it for a while.
Empathy. You must try hard to understand the emotional damage caused by your affair. During the long time it takes for your spouse to deal with this hurt, your ongoing empathetic responses will, more than anything, encourage their move toward complete forgiveness.
Sometimes, the betrayed spouse gets stuck in their pain. Months later, they continue to ruminate--focussed on the past, unable to move forward. Unless they get help, bitterness will likely set in, and the marriage will have little chance of survival.
Will my spouse ever trust me again?
First, let me clearly state that forgiveness and trust are different. Your spouse may choose to forgive you but still be unable to trust you. Forgiveness says, "I choose to let go of this offense and release you from its debt." Trust says, "I choose to act according to the belief that you will not let me down." Forgiveness is a gift, but trust must be earned.
You owe it to your spouse to take extraordinary measures to earn their trust again. I find that the willingness to do this is a good indicator of whether or not a person has ended an affair and is willing to invest in their marriage.
Here are some things you might do to show you are trustworthy: call your spouse often when you're at work or away; temporarily limit any activities or travel that keeps you from home; offer complete transparency with your schedule; give your spouse open access to your phone and email accounts and let them know they are welcome to look at them any time they want without questions; talk about your day in detail; pick up the phone every time your spouse calls; be willing to answer all questions about the other person. At first, it will be inconvenient to perform all these behaviors, but the need for them will decrease over time.
And during this recovery time, there should be no insistence on your "personal privacy." Privacy/secrecy was too much a part of your affair. You will need to make a clear shift toward complete transparency. This may feel intrusive, like you're giving up too much control, but it is necessary for your spouse to feel safe. As your marriage heals, you will be able to take back some of your own space again, but always with a new level of mutual respect and honesty.
How long will you have to do this? I don't know; every circumstance is different. Plan on this taking longer than you think it should, and then add some time to that.
Often, problems arise when the spouse who had an affair is ready to move on while their partner is still recovering from the shock. The affair discovery is, in a way, an ending for the involved partner, but it is a beginning for the injured one. Clients with affairs lasting many months (or years) often expect their spouse to "forgive and forget" within days or weeks. When it doesn't happen, they get frustrated. They begin accusing the spouse of being unable to "let things go," failing to realize that the spouse can only really let things go after they have had enough time to work through the betrayal.
What if you invested as much time and energy in rescuing your marriage as you did in nurturing the affair? What kind of difference do you think that would make? If you're unwilling to attempt an effort like this, your marriage will likely not recover well.