Understand WHY: The Reasons You Cheat
A Difficult Question
I think one of the main reasons involved partners struggle to answer the “why” question is simple: they honestly don’t know. They might understand parts of it, but the deeper truths—the ones that point toward real change—usually aren’t obvious. They certainly weren’t to me.
For years after my affair, I could give a surface-level explanation for why I cheated, but I sensed there was more underneath—something important I hadn’t faced. Eventually, I sought help, and that process led to insights that reshaped my life. The very snags that once tripped me up became the springboards for lasting change.
The question “Why did you do it?” is one of the hardest parts of affair recovery. In this episode, Tim Tedder explores why many unfaithful partners struggle to explain their behavior and why simple answers rarely satisfy the person who’s been betrayed. Through real-life comments and a new audio sketch, he illustrates how confusion, shame, and self-protection often block understanding in the early stages of healing.
Tim then offers a practical framework for finding real clarity. He walks listeners through five areas of reflection—steps of compromise, historical risks, personal risks, relationship risks, and circumstantial risks—that help reveal how an affair unfolded and what must change to prevent it from happening again. The goal isn’t just explanation, but transformation: learning from the past to build a more honest, secure, and fulfilling relationship.
LINKS and EXTRAS
Learn more about The RENOVATE Project
Other related episodes: Crossing the Line and 6 Affair Motives
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