ILYBINILWY: “I’m not IN love with you.”
“I love you, but I’m not in love with you.”
It’s one of the most painful sentences you can hear in a marriage. What does it actually mean? Is it a breakup line, a symptom of infidelity, or a signal that something important is missing but still repairable?
In this episode of The Recovery Room, Tim Tedder unpacks the meaning behind this phrase, explores the conditions that make it surface (including when an affair is involved), and offers practical guidance for how to respond without collapsing into panic or blame. Drawing on insights from leading relationship experts, personal stories, and proven strategies, Tim lays out how couples can rebuild connection and desire—or, when necessary, how to recognize when it’s time to let go.
Whether you’ve heard these words yourself or you fear you might one day, this conversation will help you replace confusion with clarity, panic with steadiness, and despair with real hope.
Few phrases hit harder than “I love you, but I’m not in love with you.” In this episode, Tim Tedder explores what it really means, why it often shows up in the shadow of an affair, and how to respond with steadiness instead of panic. Discover when a relationship can be rebuilt—and when it may be time to let go.
Episode Notes
00:00 Introduction
2:20 The Meaning of ILYBINILWY
05:40 In what conditions is this statement made?
11:50 How should you respond?
17:25 Can relationships survive this? Should they?
Links & Extras
The BUILDING US Course for Couples: https://www.affairhealing.com/building-us
Discernment Counselor Directory: https://discernmentcounselors.com
Other resources to consider if you feel like you’re not “in love” anymore: The Neuroscience of Affair Fog, Is It Affair Fog or Real Love?
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