How long should I keep asking questions about the affair?

As a counselor to couples moving through recovery, I know there are no established rules for how long any specific recovery step should take. Ever situation is different, as are the participants in the process. But here's something I do believe: it is healthy to move intentionally toward ceasing all conversation about the past affair. Getting to this point takes time: months for most betrayed spouses. But if there is a joint commitment to move forward in the marriage, there needs to be a point at which you decide that conversations about the past are no longer necessary.

I don't mean that you should pretend like it never happened or that you can never speak of the affair again. That would be dishonest. The betrayed partner will continue to feel pain for years and needs to be honest about that pain. But those conversations can focus on the present and future without reverting to more questions about the past.

Here's the truth:

You'll never have 100% understanding of the affair.
Getting answers to questions about the affair are necessary, but the knowledge learned by the betrayed spouse should focus on the information that helps them gain understanding about the meaning of the affair, not all the facts of it. In my experience, 90% of all important information is learned very quickly once the betrayed spouse commits to honesty. The other 10% won't make a difference in the recovery process. (And if the betrayed spouse still isn't committed to honesty after months, you've got a different problem on your hands.)
Most betrayed spouses need to let go of questions before they feel ready to do so. I know there are people out there who promote a "ask as much as you want for as long as you want" perspective, and many times they're the same ones who encourage a betrayed spouse to "be as angry as you want for as long as you want." But I disagree on both accounts. Yes, you need to ask questions; lots of them. Yes, you need to honestly express your anger; the whole depth of it. But if you do not move intentionally beyond those two things, you can stay stuck too long... perhaps forever.

Here's what I usually recommend to betrayed spouses once we've been through a Truth Session and they express a willingness to move forward in the relationship:

For the next few weeks, limit your affair questions to 2-3 times per week, for a limited amount of time that is NOT just before you go to bed. I usually ask the unfaithful spouse to be the one responsible for making sure these conversations happen. This behavior begins to reinforce the ability to be self-regulating rather than compulsive.
Between these conversations, write down the questions you have instead of talking about them. When the scheduled talk-time arrives, you'll have your questions ready, even though some of them may not seem as important to you by then.
After a few weeks, cut out one of your talk times. This reduction continues over time until conversations are limited to once every few weeks.
Eventually, I encourage the declaration of "No more questions about the past; I don't need to know anything else. Let's focus on today and tomorrow."

Additional Resources:
Podcast #204: "Needing To Ask About The Affair"

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