Is it possible to forgive without trusting my spouse?
I find that people are often confused about the difference between forgiveness and trust. They're not the same. Forgiveness says, "I let go of this offense and release you from its debt." Trust says, "I will act according to the belief that you will not let me down."
There are circumstances in which I may genuinely forgive someone, but never trust them again. For example, I can forgive a business partner for stealing money out of the account, but choose to not risk working with him any longer. I can forgive a babysitter who hurts my child, but never ask them to provide childcare again.
My counseling work focuses on helping couples navigate through the process of affair recovery. I find that many couples have a faulty understanding about forgiveness. Here are two of the common misconceptions:
Even when forgiveness is given, trust must still be earned. In an affair, forgiveness opens a pathway to trust, but it does not guarantee that the couple will find their way there. The person who had an affair and wants to rebuild their marriage must be willing to go to extraordinary measures to earn a spouse's trust again. The willingness to do this is a good indicator of whether or not a person has really ended an affair and is willing to invest in their marriage.
The person who has been betrayed should understand that learning to forgive, at some level, will be an important step toward their own healing and recovery. But the process of forgiveness is separate from the process of learning to trust a spouse again. The good news is that genuine trust can be restored over time.
The image below lists some of the differenced between forgiveness and trust.
There are circumstances in which I may genuinely forgive someone, but never trust them again. For example, I can forgive a business partner for stealing money out of the account, but choose to not risk working with him any longer. I can forgive a babysitter who hurts my child, but never ask them to provide childcare again.
My counseling work focuses on helping couples navigate through the process of affair recovery. I find that many couples have a faulty understanding about forgiveness. Here are two of the common misconceptions:
- FALSE: Once forgiveness has been given, the offending spouse should expect a quick return to "life as normal," including no more questions about the past or expectation of accountability in the future.
- FALSE: Once forgiveness has been given, the offended spouse will need to choke down concerns or questions about their partner's current and future behavior since real forgiveness means forgetting. These are lies.
Even when forgiveness is given, trust must still be earned. In an affair, forgiveness opens a pathway to trust, but it does not guarantee that the couple will find their way there. The person who had an affair and wants to rebuild their marriage must be willing to go to extraordinary measures to earn a spouse's trust again. The willingness to do this is a good indicator of whether or not a person has really ended an affair and is willing to invest in their marriage.
The person who has been betrayed should understand that learning to forgive, at some level, will be an important step toward their own healing and recovery. But the process of forgiveness is separate from the process of learning to trust a spouse again. The good news is that genuine trust can be restored over time.
The image below lists some of the differenced between forgiveness and trust.
- Forgiveness focuses on past offenses while trust focuses on the risk in present and future circumstances.
- Forgiveness require letting go of justice (willingness to stop demanding recompense) while trust required letting go of control (willingness to be vulnerable).
- Forgiveness is necessary for both personal and relationship healing, but trust is not required for personal healing. For some, the choice NOT to trust is a healthier one.
- You can fully forgive someone and yet never trust them again, but you cannot fully trust someone if you have not forgiven them.
Copyright ©2009-2022, Tim Tedder, LMHC, NCC & contributing authors. Content on this site cannot be used or reproduced without permission. AffairHealing.com is a resource of Currents Services, LLC.