I'm trying to end the affair, but I keep going back-and-forth between my lover and my spouse. Will I ever be able to make a real commitment one way or the other?
It is normal to have conflicted thoughts & feelings during this process. When you are confused about your choices, it usually means you have conflicting goals. Real change is hard, but it is nearly impossible if your motivation for change is unclear or conflicted.
Let me tell you a couple motivations that WON'T work in the long-run:
Both of these motivations usually rely on outward measures (outside of you): an outward standard of correct behavior or outward relationships/circumstances to make you happy. In my experience, clients motivated by a desire to avoid guilt or find happiness often find themselves going back-and-forth in their choices. Healthy, consistent change is driven by an INWARD motivation that comes when a person has a clear picture of who they want to be.
You need to take the focus off of deciding what person is more exciting or gives you better sex or whatever. I'm not saying those things aren't important, but they are secondary to a more primary question: What kind of person do I want to be? If your answer to that question is clear, your choices become less conflicted because you begin to see which ones help you (and which ones hurt you) become that person.
In my opinion, answering the questions "Why do I think/act the way I do?" and "What kind of person do I want to be?" needs to be a primary focus for someone coming out of an affair. It's a process that requires you to look at your past (the things that influenced the way you experience people and events), evaluate your motivations, and develop a clearer perspective of what future change will look like.
Let me tell you a couple motivations that WON'T work in the long-run:
- Guilt. Trying to make things "right" just because you feel guilt/shame, or because you're trying to do what others say you should do, will work for a while, but probably not for very long. Sooner or later, your own needs/desires will demand attention and you'll be repeating the same choices again.
- Happiness. Most of the people caught up in affairs that I work with are just trying to find a way to feel happier. They want a relationship with more "connection," or better sex, or with less conflict. We all want to be happy! But the problem is that any new relationship really feels good at the beginning. And when you add in the secrecy that is part of an affair, the thrill of the experience is heightened even more. But it doesn't last. And so what thrills a person today won't thrill them a year or two from now... and they'll have to start looking for the next relationship that makes them feel that way again.
Both of these motivations usually rely on outward measures (outside of you): an outward standard of correct behavior or outward relationships/circumstances to make you happy. In my experience, clients motivated by a desire to avoid guilt or find happiness often find themselves going back-and-forth in their choices. Healthy, consistent change is driven by an INWARD motivation that comes when a person has a clear picture of who they want to be.
You need to take the focus off of deciding what person is more exciting or gives you better sex or whatever. I'm not saying those things aren't important, but they are secondary to a more primary question: What kind of person do I want to be? If your answer to that question is clear, your choices become less conflicted because you begin to see which ones help you (and which ones hurt you) become that person.
In my opinion, answering the questions "Why do I think/act the way I do?" and "What kind of person do I want to be?" needs to be a primary focus for someone coming out of an affair. It's a process that requires you to look at your past (the things that influenced the way you experience people and events), evaluate your motivations, and develop a clearer perspective of what future change will look like.
Additional Information:
- Listen to the audio podcast: "The Ping-Pong Effect"
- Read the article: Six Options After Your Affair
- Read the article: Stuck Between Wife and Lover
- QuickGuide: Seeing Clearly Through The Affair Fog
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