Getting Ready
The Building Us course was designed for couples, but individuals may benefit from it by adapting the sections in the following ways. (Return to this lesson if you need reminders of how to use each section.)
Blueprint: Your Personal Vision
Consider the “First Thoughts” on your own. Use the lesson and exercises to help you create a vision for the kind of marriage or relationship you want to have in the future, and what you would be willing to do to achieve it. When the course instructs partners to compare their work and create a shared vision, you can either:
Skip that part of the lesson, and focus on the changes you want to make for your marriage.
Share your vision with your partner, letting them know what you’re committed to without expecting them to respond likewise.
Share your vision and invite your partner to join you by creating their own vision. (Don’t insist; invite.)
Foundation: Your Expectations & Boundaries
Consider the “First Thoughts” on your own. Fill out the Boundaries Exercise on your own. If there are areas where you believe your partner might have a different perspective, ask them to talk about it with you. Just keep these things in mind:
Be curious rather than convincing. Your goal should be to understand their perspective and learn from it. Of course, if they ask about your perspective (and I hope they do!), talk about it. See if you can reach an agreement.
Any boundary that remains uncertain or unresolved is a potential injury risk, as one partner may feel free to act in a way that hurts the other.
Tools: Your Relationship Needs
Consider the “First Thoughts” on your own. Fill out the Relationship Needs survey on your own to clarify what you most desire in your relationship. Please don’t share this with your partner unless they ask you to. Instead, let your partner know what you’re doing and ask if they would fill out a survey so you can learn what matters most to them. Give them the survey. Use their response to identify areas for improvement and make targeted changes to build a stronger connection.
Maintenance: Your Ongling Connection
Consider the “First Thoughts” on your own. The suggestions in this section may be ones that you can bring up with your partner. But if they resist, I do not encourage you to force the issue. Trust cannot be built when someone is coerced into action; it needs to be a willing choice.
Of course, if one partner remains uninvolved, the other partner may need to make a choice. See the lesson “What If Your Partner Is Uncooperative?” near the end of this course.