Is an Affair the Worst Thing that Could Happen to a Marriage?

Nancy Pickard joined me on a recent podcast episode titled Deciding to Stay in Your Marriage: The Injured Partner. During our conversation, she said something interesting:

“I no longer believe that infidelity is the worst thing that can happen to a marriage.”

Now, I’ve had many, many clients tell me the affair was the worst thing that ever happened in their marriage. For most of them, it was the worst thing that had ever happened in their lives. And I don’t question that for a moment.

But it raises the question: Is an affair truly the worst thing that can happen to any marriage?

I asked Nancy exactly that. Her answer didn’t make it into the episode, but it’s worth considering:

“…people who get into a situation where they don’t believe they can leave the marriage—like women who gave up working and now don’t make the money. They’re afraid for themselves and their children if they leave… Feeling like you have to leave, but having no power, and being in a very psychological patriarchal existence is a pretty bad thing.”

Being trapped in a marriage can feel like a slow, endless torment. Add a spouse who is neglectful or abusive, and the suffering deepens—especially when there seems to be no remedy or opportunity for escape.

We often talk about affairs as the violation of marital vows. But from where I sit, vows are broken every day in quieter, more socially acceptable ways. When we promise to love and care for one another—in good times and bad—we aren’t promising perfection. We’re promising effort. A willingness to keep showing up and doing the work of love.

When that promise is abandoned, when one partner emotionally checks out and never returns, that too is a form of unfaithfulness. And left unaddressed, it can lead to a lifetime of deep sorrow.

So maybe being trapped in a loveless, powerless marriage is worse than a season of betrayal. At least, it’s a conversation worth having.