Where You’re Stuck (Survey Results)
Here are the results of the “Where Are You Stuck?” survey that was posted 10 days ago (on 9/10/25). This data will be addressed in future newsletters, articles, and podcasts. —Tim Tedder
Gender Distribution:
Female: 62%
Male: 38%
Most Recent Infidelity Distribution:
Over 5 years: 47%
3-5 years: 34%
Less than a year: 19%
Your Role Distribution:
I am the betrayed partner: 63%
85% of female participants and 50% of male participants identified as the betrayed partner.I am the involved partner: 34%
14% of female participants and 50% of male participants identified as the betrayed partner.I have been both: 3%
Key Takeaways:
Long-Term Impact of Infidelity: Infidelity has a profound and lasting impact, with nearly half of individuals (47%) reporting that the event occurred "Over 5 years" ago, yet still feeling "stuck" or experiencing triggers.
Challenges in the Healing Process: Both betrayed and involved partners face distinct and often unaddressed challenges in the recovery process, indicating a need for more comprehensive support.
Gender and Role Disparities: The data suggest that women are more likely to seek support or express being "stuck" in the aftermath of infidelity, predominantly as the betrayed partner.
Female respondents outnumber male respondents by nearly 2:1 (62% female vs. 38% male).
The majority of respondents (63%) identify as the betrayed partner, suggesting that this group is more actively seeking help or sharing their experiences in this context.
Trust is the pivot: Whether betrayed or involved, broken trust and lack of full disclosure are the most frequent roadblocks.
Both partners need resources: About one-third of respondents are unfaithful partners, many expressing a lack of support, shame, or unresolved attachment.
Not just trauma but identity: Several responses point to deep identity wounds (self-worth, ability to forgive, fear of repeating patterns), suggesting the need for recovery frameworks that go beyond symptom management.
Reasons for Feeling Stuck in Recovery
Trust & Disclosure Issues: This is the most common reason, accounting for 31% of responses. It includes difficulties with honesty, full disclosure, lying, and deception from the unfaithful partner.
Partner's Lack of Effort/Empathy: 22% of individuals feel stuck due to their partner's unwillingness to engage in healing, lack of empathy, defensiveness, or poor communication.
Not Stuck / Moving On: 9% of respondents explicitly stated they are not stuck or are in the process of moving on.
Resentment, Shame, Self-Blame: 9% of responses fall into this category, indicating struggles with anger, resentment, shame, or an inability to forgive oneself.
Ongoing Triggers & Trauma: 9% of individuals continue to experience triggers, reminders, or trauma related to the infidelity.
Difficulty Letting Go of Affair Partner: 6% of responses indicate an ongoing emotional connection to the affair partner or difficulty in letting them go.
Struggling to Rebuild Relationship: 3% of individuals are stuck due to difficulties in rebuilding their relationship after the infidelity.
Legal/Financial/Logistical Constraints: 3% of respondents are unable to move forward due to ongoing legal, financial, or other logistical ties.
Other/Unspecified: 6% of responses did not clearly fit into the defined categories.
Included in the 'Additional Comment' Section:
Resource Disparity: There's a perceived lack of resources for involved partners and affair partners compared to betrayed spouses.
Long-Term Impact and Triggers: Many comments highlight that triggers persist for years, even a decade or more, and question whether complete recovery from an affair is ever possible.
Challenges with Partner's Engagement: Recovery is significantly harder if the unfaithful partner is unwilling to work on the relationship, be transparent, or come clean.
Personal Struggles: Individuals mention personal struggles such as weak boundaries, the allure of attention from others, and the difficulty of starting over in life, especially for those who have been out of the workforce.
Delayed Discovery and Trauma: Some individuals experienced a delayed discovery of the infidelity, leading to prolonged trauma and a feeling of being acutely stuck for several years.
