Reclaiming Sex After an Affair

2/19/2019

After recording episode #403 of our Recovery Room podcast, in which I answer a caller's question about sexual struggles after her husband's affair, I remembered this bit of advice I often give to couples and wanted to add it to the discussion...

Even after an affair has ended, it can continue to intrude into the marriage relationship. For many couples, this is never more apparent than in moments of attempted sexual intimacy, when the betrayed partner is ripped out of the moment with a thought: Is THIS something they shared together? If unchecked, intrusive thoughts like this can become so deeply rooted that sex is robbed of it's joy and pleasure.

The comfortable intimacy of sex might take some time to reclaim, but it can be done. Let me suggest a couple suggestions to help you find your sexual connection again.

You established a shared intimate space before. Do it again.

Most marriages do not begin with two people who were each other's first-and-only sexual partner. And you know what? They do just fine because the old partners don't matter anymore once the couple makes a commitment to honor their relationship in a new way. For most couples, this is an exclusive (monogamous) arrangement.

An affair breaks the trust of this agreement, but it doesn't necessarily ruin it. If a couple chooses to rebuild and renew their marriage, they will need to let the affair recede into the past (like earlier relationships but with the added need of forgiveness) as they make a re-commitment to each other.

Those who married a virgin will likely struggle more since (a) this is the first time they've had to deal with the reality of not being their partner's only lover and (b) they were more likely to have placed a high value in absolute exclusivity. If the betrayal is forgiven, however, they can begin to let the past be the past just as other couples have done.

Focus on what is uniquely yours.

You know what happens in sexual affairs? Sex. And when it comes to sex, there are a few body parts that are almost always involved in one way or another. If you try to eliminate everything that was shared in the affair experience, you won't even have the essential parts required for sex.

So if you want sexual healing, turn attention away from what was shared in the affair and focus on what is unique to the marriage. Here are a few do's and don'ts for both partners...

For the injured spouse:

Avoid questions about sexual details. If you fear that your spouse might try to bring something new from the affair into your bed, ask them to respect you enough to not do that. Resist the urge to go through a checklist sex behaviors (Did you do this? Did you do that?). It won't help.
When you're ready be sexually involved with your spouse again, ask the question: What can we do to make sex more enjoyable for both of us? (Use the Sex Talk Exercise posted on the podcast #403 page to help with this.)
Think of new experiences that you can add to your sexual encounters: new touches, new toys, new places. You don't have to go crazy. Simple new things can become part of what's unique in the sexual experience you are reclaiming.

For the involved spouse:

Do NOT make comparisons between your spouse and the affair partner, unless you are building up your spouse and they are opening to hearing it. Otherwise, just focus on communicating what you enjoy and desire about your spouse.
If there are sexual experiences that you have shared in your marriage but did not share in the affair, let your spouse know. For example, if any of these things were NOT part of your affair, then tell your spouse they are still exclusive to the marriage: being naked together; oral sex (either way); intercourse; sex in bed; particular words spoken. If anything was not shared, let them know.
Remember sexual experiences with your spouse that were especially exciting or enjoyable, even if they were in the distant past. Talk about them if your spouse is ready to listen. Your history is unique to the two of you. Let them know what you value.
When your spouse is ready and willing, create new sexual experiences with them. Try different things. Go different places. Do NOT attempt to replicate the affair experience. Make something new instead by making small adjustments to what you do together.

For additional help, see the recommended books on the podcast #403 page.

Photo Credit: DonJohnstonLC Flickr via Compfight cc

Betrayed

2/20/2019 11:55:48 am

So the betrayed spouse should “avoid” asking questions about the different sex acts but the cheater should tell them things they never did... Why not just try honesty. I can guarantee the way you keep reinforcing that the betrayed spouse will be more hurt if he/she finds out sexual details just sends a message and a way out for the cheater not to tell or to lie. As a betrayed spouse I for one am sick of others deciding what I should and shouldn’t know. If I want to know about sexual acts they shared then I should be told and not have to try and explain why it’s important to me. Hasn’t the betrayed spouse suffered enough humiliation enough? Haven’t they been psychologically damaged enough. Maybe they need a “checklist” to feel safe having sex.
I know you are going to say something like you do reinforce honesty but I am telling you a cheater will look at your words as a reason to lie. You continually make way for a cheater to control the situation.

Tim Tedder

2/20/2019 12:32:41 pm

You're right. Any cheating partner who is more interested in self-preservation that in helping heal the wound they caused could twist this article (and many other resources on this site) to give justification for their choice. That would not be an honest use of our message, but they could do it.

But they are not the people reading our articles or listening to our podcasts (unless someone is making them do it).

You are right... we are strong proponents of truthfulness. We are also passionate about helping people heal and have seen the long-term damage caused when sexual details become part of the recovery process. That's why we support being intentional about how truth is uncovered and explored.

We're not alone in this. All the primary "experts" in this field give the same caution. Early in my practice, I was much more black-and-white in regard to telling the whole truth but I have become more cautious... not because I have any desire to give the unfaithful spouse and "out," but because I've seen too many examples of painful consequences, especially experienced by the ones who were betrayed.

I believe these things not because I've come to have less concern for injured partners, but because I've come to have more.

Ultimately, we believe it is the betrayed spouse who gets to make the final call in this regard. If you listen to the podcast, I think you'll get the clear sense the the fuller counsel in this area is for the involved partner to commit to absolute truthfulness, but to suggest that the Q&A about these kinds of questions be explored with the help of a counselor who can help them both navigate through the process.

Betrayed

2/20/2019 01:00:41 pm

No betrayed spouse wants to hear from their cheating spouse “ the experts say...”
I am just saying what you write and speak In your podcast sets that up for part of the conversation. It’s not necessarily self preservation. The cheater is searching like the betrayed is. Your message is clear- better not to talk about details because it will cause more pain but if the betrayed insists go ahead.
My husband and I actually have listened to your podcasts. But I won’t anymore. Every time you state about it hurting more than it helps by knowing details I then feel the need to explain that it is something I want to know. He is left with the feeling that experts say by limiting details it’s better for me so maybe honesty is not always the best policy. Maybe I am alone in feeling that way. I think the negative consequences from asking need to be processed. Not knowing for sure causes the imagination of the betrayed to expand. If I don’t know for sure and can only speculate then I’m not processing anything rather I’m left with more unfounded scenarios and thoughts.
Thanks for your reply.

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