How to Talk About Sex

Eight Question & Answer Conversations
to Help Couples Talk about Sex

Drawing of a couple kissing, lying on a bed, embracing each other intimately.

How to Talk About Sex Even When It’s Awkward

For many couples, talking about sex is more complicated than having it! We grow up with mixed messages about sexuality—what’s okay, what’s not, what should be felt, and what should be hidden. By the time we're in committed relationships, many of us still struggle to speak openly about our sexual desires, needs, and uncertainties.

That silence can lead to misunderstanding, frustration, or even disconnection. Some even stop having sex because they don’t know how to talk about it. But it doesn’t have to stay that way.

The following sets of questions are designed to help couples begin honest conversations about sex. Each set becomes a little more intimate, moving from general views and values into personal preferences and desires. You don’t need to rush. Start where you’re comfortable. Go slow. Be curious. And most of all, be kind to each other as you open the door to a deeper connection.

This isn’t about getting it perfect—it’s about getting real.

Caution: This Guide Is NOT Recommended For…

  • Couples who are being affected by an affair trigger during sex. Triggers should be managed first, ideally with the help of a counselor, before discussing the questions in this guide.

  • People with a history of unresolved sexual trauma. If either partner has experienced past sexual abuse or trauma that has not been processed or healed, you should ask for counseling to seek healing for that experience before doing this exercise as a couple.

How to Use These Questions

These questions aren’t a test, and they’re not meant to be answered all at once. They’re tools to spark conversation, deepen understanding, and build trust—to learn how to talk about sex more comfortably and naturally.

Here are a few suggestions to help you make the most of them:

  • Bookmark this page so you can return to it easily.

  • Set the mood for safety, not seduction. Choose a time and place where you won’t be interrupted. This isn’t about trying to “heat things up”—it’s about creating emotional safety and connection.

  • Talk about one set at a time. Begin with the first set of questions. Move forward only when both of you feel comfortable. These question sets are designed to be used one at a time, for eight separate discussions.

  • Take turns. Let each partner respond without interruption. Focus on listening to understand, not to respond or defend.

  • Respect differences. You may discover that you see things differently. That’s okay. The goal isn’t agreement; it’s understanding.

  • Pause if needed. If emotions run high, take a break. You can always return to the conversation when you’re both ready.

  • Stay curious and compassionate. These conversations can reveal not just what your partner wants, but who they are. Listen with kindness.

    • List 5 things that make you feel relaxed.

    • How important is romance to you? 

    • What makes you feel romantic in your relationship?

    • What do you consider sexy?

    • Talk about the first time you learned about sexual intercourse. (How old were you? How did you find out? How did you react?)

    • What do you remember about the first time you touched (holding hands, etc) your partner?

    • What do you remember about the first kiss with your partner?

    • What does sex mean to you?

    • Talk about a time when you remember seeing your partner and being most attracted to him/her.

    • Talk about one sexual encounter with your partner that you remember being a "good sex" experience.

    • What do you think is the most erotic thing two people could do together?

    • What turns you on (sexually) the most: touch, words, sight, thoughtful actions? Explain how/why.

    • What is the one thing your partner does that most often makes you want to have sex?

    • What's one thing you could do as a couple to make sex more exciting for you?

    • Name three things that happen outside "the bedroom" that make you less interested in having sex.

    • Name three things that happen outside "the bedroom" that make you more interested in having sex.

    • Describe your ideal intimate encounter with your partner.

    • Talk about sex toys. (Do you use them? Are you curious about them? What is a favorite one, or one that you are most curious about?)

    • What would be your ideal number of times to have sex each month? If your number and your partner's number are far apart, talk about the difference and what it means for you to satisfy each other.

    • From the time a sexual encounter starts with your partner to the time it is over, how long (on average) do you think it lasts? Would you like the time to be longer or shorter?

    • Name one new place where you think it would be fun to have sex.

    • What is your idea of good foreplay?

    • Name one spot on your body that you especially like to be touched? How do you like to be touched there?

    • Name one thing you wish you were more comfortable with sexually? What difference would it make if you became more comfortable in that area?

    • How comfortable are you with talking during sex? Do you think you would like more or less talk? Why?

    • Are you comfortable when your partner looks at you naked? Are there parts of your body you like them to look at? Are there parts that you are embarrassed about? Find out what your partner enjoys looking at.

    • Talk about something that makes you feel sexually insecure.

    • What one change could YOU make that would positively impact sex in your relationship?

    • What do you hope your sex life is like 1 year from now? 10 years from now?

    • Describe something new that you would be willing to try (new place, position, technique, time, accessories, etc.).