Myth #1: Once a Cheater, Always a Cheater
This is part of a series of posts that highlight common myths about affair recovery.
It’s one of the most common refrains after infidelity: “Once a cheater, always a cheater.” The saying reflects two fears. First, that a single act of betrayal reveals an unchangeable flaw in someone’s character. Second, that even good people are permanently broken once they cross the line. Either way, the myth insists there’s no path back to faithfulness.
But the evidence, decades of counseling experience, and my own personal story don’t support this claim.
Crossing the line once does make it statistically more likely that someone could cross it again, especially if the underlying issues that fueled the affair remain unaddressed. Serial cheaters, those with a long trail of betrayals, rarely break the cycle without profound personal change.
But here’s the other side of the story: many people who once betrayed a partner have gone on to live faithfully, never repeating the mistake. Growth is possible.
Esther Perel reminds us that affairs are often less about rejecting a partner and more about self-discovery or a longing for a sense of aliveness. For some, the affair serves as a wake-up call that leads to profound growth and a renewed commitment. To brand them forever as “cheaters” ignores the possibility of transformation.
“Betrayal is the secret that lies at the heart of every failing relationship.” — John Gottman
Gottman’s research shows that betrayal can become a pattern if disconnection persists. But couples who work through a process of healing and change can interrupt the cycle, rebuild trust, and actually reduce the likelihood of another affair.
Experts like Shirley Glass and Scott Reynolds emphasize responsibility: infidelity is always a choice, but not a permanent identity. When the unfaithful partner takes responsibility for their actions, commits to radical honesty, and practices empathy, recovery is possible.
Affairs always leave scars. But to say “once a cheater, always a cheater” oversimplifies a complex human reality. Infidelity may reveal unhealthy patterns, unmet needs, or emotional wounds—but it does not doom a person to repeat betrayal forever. With ownership, honesty, and growth, the story can change.
