Dealing with the Affair Partner
The following comments come from my interview with Elisa, seven months after finding out about her husband’s affair. During our conversation, she talked about struggling with dealing with the affair partner. The following comments were transcribed (with minor edits for readability) from longer conversations that you can listen to in these podcasts: Elisa’s Story Part 1 and Elisa’s Story Part 2.
—Tim Tedder
Elisa: The 50% of the time that my kids are living at his house, they are now also living with the woman who broke up our marriage and her children. And so, I find myself really bothered, especially because she seems to be making herself more permanent in his home and in my kids' lives. I'm very troubled at the prospect of needing to interact with both of them for the foreseeable future, because my kids are young.
And I'm trying very hard to figure out how to manage those interactions without completely losing it…
The boys have asked him multiple times, “Why is she moving in so soon? We are not ready for this. We don't want this to happen. We don't want to live with her. We don't want to live with her kids.”
Tim: There are all these anxieties and fears about what life ahead looks like with this other woman in the picture. Because up to this point, you've avoided interaction.
You've avoided social gatherings when she's a part of it, wondering,” Is that going to happen? When is it going to happen?
Elisa: Somehow, this stranger has uprooted my entire life and replaced me. I think I don't know you. What did I do to you to deserve this kind of treatment from you? I didn't do anything to harm you. Why are you destroying my world, my life, and my family unit? You've waltzed in and started a relationship with my husband, who you knew was married. And you knew he had young kids.
Who does that?…
I have written [her] a letter.
I haven't printed it out yet because it's still being edited. But I feel like I'm on the clock for this because she lives there. And there's going to be a day when I have to go pick the kids up at their house, and I have to go to the door.
And I'm not prepared yet, but I have been writing a letter, and I'm trying to shorten it. It's too long right now.
Tim: A letter in the event that you encounter her.
Elisa: Yes, because like you said, if I'm not prepared for it, this is something I have control over. I don't know when I'm going to see her, and I don't know what situation I will run into her in, but it's going to happen. And if I have a plan, knowing that if I speak to her, it will be ugly.
I will say all the things. I will call her all the names. I will not be kind, and I will make a scene.
I know this. Part of me wants to do that.
Tim: Well, it would depend on the context. If your kids are standing there, it might not be… [both laugh]
Elisa: It might not be. It might not be, but I kind of want to do it. But I also know if the kids are there or if it's a situation where I'm gonna really regret it…
[So] I have drafted the letter. What do I want to say to this person who played such a major role in dismantling my life, who I've never met before? What do I want her to know about the truth of my relationship with my husband, and how likely my reality was very, very different from whatever stories he was telling her? That's what I need to focus my editing on.
Tim: Well, I love the fact that you're being intentional about this. When we leave it up to, well, I don't know what I'll say, we'll find out when it happens… stuff comes out that later we wish we'd said differently, or not said some things at all.
Elisa: Well, I've rehearsed in my head the screaming part so many times, I'm pretty sure I could get that one nailed on the first take. [laughter] But it might not be the right thing to do.
Tim: Well, when you have thought through what you would want to say, you always have that option. I think I encouraged you to write it, and even have it with you when there's a potential encounter. Just carry it with you somewhere.
You never have to use it. You never have to give it to her. You may end up saying all the things that you've been playing in your head, but you have an option. And the more you've thought about it, the more intentional you can be, even in the words you might choose to use. At least there's an option that you've thought about.
Elisa: What's been interesting about the editing process of this particular letter is that at first, it was very long and had all the things in it. But I kept editing it because the assumption is that if I ever gave this to her, she would read it and then hand it directly to my husband.
This was some advice a friend of mine gave me during a particularly dark moment, when he had just sent me an email that really affected and upset me. My friend was over and she said, “Don't respond. He doesn't get to know what is going on inside your head anymore. He does not have the privilege to know what you're thinking. It's a mystery to him now. He lost the right to know your thoughts and feelings about what he's just said or done.
And I think about that through the lens of this letter to the other woman, too.
I don't want to reveal all of my thoughts and feelings about this to her, because a lot of that is just for me. What do I want her to know? What is important for her to know about her part in this destruction?
…It's only been six or seven months since the entire world changed for me. I still have many days where I lack focus, and I just need a punching bag. It feels like there's just raw, like visceral screaming in my head, and I can't get it to stop. I'm not through this yet.
Tim: But you're farther along than someone who's just there at that beginning.
Elisa: Listen, I'm months past it, but I have days when all I want to do is scream. I have days when I feel lost. I feel days when I'm confused. There's still a lot of recovery I need to experience.
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