Review; The Courage to Stay-How to Heal from an Affair and Save Your Marriage
Reviewed by Tim Tedder
Summary
In this book, Dr. Kathy Nickerson offers a roadmap for couples seeking to recover from the aftermath of infidelity. Drawing on twenty-two years of clinical experience as a licensed psychologist, Dr. Nickerson presents a step-by-step process to help both partners navigate the pain, confusion, and emotional upheaval caused by an affair. The book emphasizes that while betrayal is deeply wounding, it does not necessarily signal the end of a relationship—healing, reconnection, and relationship renewal are possible.
The book walks readers through key stages of recovery—from disclosure and transparency to managing emotional triggers and rebuilding trust. It addresses common questions and struggles, such as how to discuss the affair, how to understand its origins, and how to prevent future betrayals. With a focus on honesty, empathy, and intentional change, The Courage to Stay provides tools to help couples transition from heartbreak to a more secure and connected partnership.
Review
If you enjoy books that feel like a conversation with a trusted guide, you’ll appreciate Dr. Nickerson’s writing style. She speaks directly to the reader as if you’re her client—offering empathy, encouragement, and practical direction in each chapter.
Drawing on her years of experience with couples in recovery, as well as insights from other authors and researchers, she walks readers through the core challenges couples face after infidelity. While there’s much I value in this book, a few sections left me wanting more. Let me begin with what I especially appreciated, followed by areas where I had concerns.
What I Liked
Clear, structured steps for the immediate aftermath of affair exposure.
Encouragement to engage in intentional, scheduled conversations about the affair.
Practical strategies for the involved partner to disconnect from the affair partner (e.g., writing a breakup letter, emotional detachment).
Helpful guidance for demonstrating transparency moving forward.
An important prompt for the involved partner to express why they want to stay in the marriage.
A thoughtful discussion on how childhood trauma can influence choices related to infidelity.
Two excellent chapters addressing common recovery roadblocks—one for each partner.
Where I Had Concerns
I would have liked a deeper exploration of the risks involved in post-affair Q&A conversations. The author cautions against discussing sexual details, but more guidance is needed to help injured partners discern which questions are likely to help and which might do more harm. A more nuanced approach could reduce future emotional trauma.
In discussing why an affair happened, Dr. Nickerson primarily focuses on the “Bermuda Triangle” (see quote below), as well as unresolved trauma. While these are relevant, they don’t account for the full range of possible influences. I wish the book had acknowledged a broader set of contributing factors—personal history, personality traits, belief systems, past relational dynamics, and situational vulnerabilities.
One chapter instructs readers on how to self-administer EMDR. Given the intensity of what can surface during EMDR sessions, I believe it would be more responsible to strongly encourage working with a qualified therapist before attempting this protocol independently.
I would recommend this book as a possible supplement to other books (like Not Just Friends), but probably not as the primary recovery book for a couple.
Quotes
“It is okay to look for the proof you need to take action to end the affair or to have peace of mind that no affair is happening. I recommend you do the least intrusive thing to find the answers you need.”
“If you can respond to your partner with kindness and compassion, despite what they’ve done, they will be shocked. This shock often causes them to question their behavior, their conclusions, and take positive action.”
“If you feel like you’re making a highly emotional choice, please give yourself time to slow down and think about it. Always make the choice that will make you feel good and proud five years from now.”
“I've noticed that when three circumstances occur at the same time, people are at HIGH RISK for an affair. Being in some type of deep emotional pain, particularly depression. Suffering a recent loss or dealing with a trauma. Feeling unloved or unimportant because the marriage is strained or disconnected. I call these three circumstances the Affair Bermuda Triangle.”
“I believe that all affairs have a root in unhealed trauma and emotional pain. This emotional pain comes from a very old scar that was there long before the two of you ever met. It was likely created during childhood and it is not either of your faults.”
“Not every relationship can or should last forever. My perspective is that you should try everything to repair and rebuild your relationship after an affair. However, some relationships are NOT repairable and the decision to stop trying is entirely up to you.”
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