First Actions Following Affair Exposure

In Section 7 of her book, The Courage to Stay (see review), Dr. Nickerson suggests these steps for couples to take and avoid during the few days after an affair is exposed.

Things to Do

• If possible, take some time off work.

• Find activities that will distract you and make you feel better, for at least 20 minutes a day.

• Rest. Take a nap. Ask for help with the kids, if necessary.

• Eat healthy meals and get a little exercise, even if you don’t feel like it.

• Get support: 1-2 close friends who can be trusted, a counselor, or an online support group.

• Schedule daily appointments to discuss the affair with your partner.

• Feel whatever you feel, and find healthy ways to express your emotions. Cry as much as you need to.

Things to Avoid

• Don’t immediately tell other people (kids, friends, family, co-workers). Don’t post about the affair online.

• Don’t take revenge. Explore alternative ways to manage anger.

• Don’t have constant, endless conversations about the affair. This will exhaust both of you and ultimately be counterproductive to your healing.

• Avoid things that will alter your mood: alcohol, caffeine, painkillers, etc.

From the Author…

“I really want to encourage you both: you can and will get through this. If you both want to heal, you will. It may not be as fast or as easy as we’d like, but if you both commit to talking honestly and reassuring to each other, you will heal.”