The Unfolding of His Affair
Here’s what one betrayed wife wrote about her husband’s affair, along with some of my thoughts about her experience. —Tim Tedder
Her Experience
“I have been living through my husband's affair with a coworker for the past five months. What I first found was an emotional affair, which eventually became a sexual one. We had been trying to work things out the whole time. I thought he was finally emotionally invested and honest about being able to commit to working on our relationship, but this was not the case.
“We are now moving into separation over the summer and will see where that leads. I am forever hopeful in reconciliation, but know that there first has to be tremendous change and growth in him before I can be emotionally invested in a relationship with him.
“I also know that I have reached the point of being okay with us not working out in the end, as much as that hurts. I can’t continue to go through the pain, mental anguish, emotional distress, and suffering I've experienced these past several months.”
Tim’s Thoughts
This is a variation of a story I’ve heard many times. Let me mention some familiar traits and then point out examples of this woman’s healthy choices.
The Familiar Traits
Coworker Affairs: Most people maintain positive, healthy relationships with coworkers. But it’s also true that a work environment naturally includes circumstances in which intimate relationships can be explored and nurtured: frequent encounters over a long period, opportunities for social interactions (during work, lunch breaks, after-work meetups), collaborations, travel, conventions, etc. A relatively minor connection that would be forgotten in other situations has time to develop into something more in a work environment.
Emotional Connections: Most affairs begin with an attraction or interaction that feels good. That is completely natural. The problem begins when we justify taking another small step in the relationship, wanting to feel more. The emotional connection that blossoms between two people can happen quickly or slowly, but if both individuals are willing participants in the “innocent” exploration, they will be crossing boundaries long before they acknowledge it.
Working on the Marriage, Holding On to the Affair: As a counselor, I know this happens frequently. (Not all the time.) I also know this because it’s exactly what I did following the exposure of my affair. I wasn’t ready to let go of my marriage, but I didn’t want to let go of the affair partner, either. I lied to everyone to avoid losing anything. Of course, this is a completely selfish choice. It robs the partner of the knowledge they need to make their choices.
Her Healthy Choices
Temporary Separation: Instead of jumping to a quick choice, this woman decided to separate for the summer to “see where that leads.” Taking time to let emotions settle and observe your partner's behavior allows for a clearer and confident choice.
Hopeful But Cautious: There is nothing weak about hoping your marriage might experience repair and renewal, but hoping it will happen is different than needing it to happen or trying to make it happen. It’s important to remain cautiously watchful of your partner’s behaviour patterns. There should be clear evidence of a shift back to you and your marriage, with all other doors closed.
Accepting the Possibility of Divorce: I often ask betrayed clients if they are willing to lose their marriage. I’m not encouraging them to end things, but I doubt a person can maintain good boundaries and manage their self-care if they must save their marriage. Only when you accept the possibility that ending the marriage might be the appropriate outcome (if your partner doesn’t change, if ambiguity remains, if the damage to trust is too severe) can you maintain a healthy position in your hope for healing.
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