The Regrets of His Affair
This message was posted by a man some time after his affair and the loss of his marriage.
I had an affair.
I did something that will haunt me for the rest of my life. A point of regret that can never be shaken, and never forgotten.
I lost the most incredible woman I could ever have dreamed of. I lost the comfort of having a blissful home filled with laughter and love. I lost the opportunity to watch each of my children grow up minute by minute instead of every couple of weeks. I lost the friends we would go out with as couples. I lost her family: her mom, brother, and nephews. Most of all, I lost the ability to have my wife look at me with a smile and love in her eyes... so full of trust and devotion.
That is just a small part. What I lost is nothing compared to what my wife lost. Her innocence. Her belief in everlasting true love. Her self-worth. The ability to greet each day with purpose and true happiness that can only be found in oneself. I stabbed her in the heart, in the soul.
Every single day, I wake up thinking about my mistake. Every single night, I fall asleep regretting. And all the hours in between, I function as best I can to live my life and improve myself. To reflect on the mistake and why I did it.
I go to therapy 1-2 times a week for self-discovery. I meditate. I run my company. And I cry. I have never cried so much. I have never felt such angst, pain, and a feeling of loss.
I know now I am a far better man. I wish I knew myself better before it all happened. I was happily married for 12 years before I had a breakdown of sorts and started an affair that lasted a year. It was something I felt I needed to do. And as I got deeper into the affair, it seemed more right—like I was supposed to do it.
I lost myself, and I lost the woman who I know was the right one for me.
I was blind, but now I know why I did it. I understand my weaknesses, my immaturity, my failure to take a step back and look at what I had. I learned that it was truly all my fault, and the things I would blame her for were my own idiotic issues that were so easy to pass on to make myself feel better about what I knew was wrong.
I didn't know what I had until it was gone. I want to go back in time and smack myself and say "WAKE UP!!"
I hope someone will read this who is contemplating or currently having an affair. DON'T DO IT. Please, don't do it. Go to your husband or wife right now, sit down, and look each other in the eyes; just talk.
Look at them and remember why you fell in love. Hold their hand. Look at the old photo albums together. Plan a night out for the two of you. Or plan even a simple movie night.
I let those things slip away. I can never get them back. I fear I will never find another woman who was so right for me again. Maybe my life partner will always be Regret.
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