Should You Tell Children About an Affair?
A Parent’s Guide to Honesty and Protection
Written by Tim Tedder
Parents in the turmoil of an affair’s aftermath often struggle with heavy questions: Should we tell children about an affair? If so, what do we say?
On one hand, every parental instinct screams for protection. We want to shield our sons and daughters from adult problems, preserve their innocence, and keep them from feeling the disillusionment we are experiencing. On the other hand, we know children are rarely oblivious. They overhear late-night arguments, notice slammed doors, or see a parent crying in the kitchen. They may not understand the details, but they sense that something has broken in the family.
It is in this tension between protection and honesty that parents must make one of the most critical choices of recovery: whether, when, and how to talk with their children about an affair.
Many couples hope silence will keep the family stable. If we don’t say anything, maybe the kids won’t be hurt by it. But research and experience suggest the opposite. Studies on family secrecy consistently show that children are highly perceptive and often know something is wrong long before parents admit it. According to clinical psychologist Dr. Janis Abrahms Spring, “Children are exquisitely sensitive to family tension. Silence doesn’t protect them—it confuses them” (After the Affair, 2012).
When parents hide the truth, children not only notice the gaps but often fill them with self-blame. They assume, Maybe Mom is upset because of me. Maybe Dad left because I did something wrong. Unexplained turmoil quickly mutates into fear, anxiety, or shame.
This doesn’t mean children need to hear every sordid detail. Far from it. It means they need age-appropriate truth, reassurance of love, and the stability of parents who refuse to let them become collateral damage.
Honesty Without Overexposure
The first guiding principle is simple: Don’t lie to your children.
That doesn’t mean answering every question with full disclosure. In fact, the opposite is usually true. Too much detail can burden a child with images and information they are not equipped to process.
But lying by saying “Nothing is wrong,” or inventing explanations undermines the very lessons parents hope to teach about honesty and fidelity. It sets an unhealthy precedent: that in this family, painful truths must be hidden.
Instead of lying, parents can sidestep, defer, or redirect questions in ways that are truthful but not overwhelming. If a child asks, “Is Dad having an affair?” a parent might respond:
“That’s an important question, but I’m not ready to talk about it right now.”
“That’s a big question that needs an honest answer. Let’s talk about it tomorrow when your dad can be part of the conversation.”
“That’s something your father needs to answer. Would you like me to help you ask him?”
Such responses neither confirm nor deny, but they honor the child’s curiosity and point toward honesty at the right time.
Different Ages, Different Needs
What children need to know, and how much they should know, depends on their age and maturity.
Young Children (grade school age)
Unless these children have been clearly exposed to troubling information (like seeing a parent in an affectionate encounter with their affair partner), they don’t need to know any affair details at all. What they need most is reassurance: that both parents love them, that the conflict is not their fault, and that they will be cared for no matter what happens. A parent might say: “Mom is going through a difficult time right now, but you know she loves you, right?”
Pre-Adolescents
Children approaching adolescence are often aware of what an affair means. They may have heard the term in other settings or notice enough tension at home to wonder. At this age, they need a truthful but general explanation: “I started paying too much attention to someone else instead of your mom/dad. That shouldn’t have happened, but we are trying to figure things out now.”
Teenagers and Young Adults (in the home)
By adolescence, most children have already developed a suspicious nature. They likely know more (or assume more) than you want to believe. Pretending otherwise only widens the gap. Teens and adult children don’t need details of sexual involvement, but they should not be shielded from the fact that one parent was unfaithful.
“I got involved with someone else, and now your mother/father and I are trying to work through the mess of it all. I know this is confusing and painful, and I’m sorry. I’m willing to talk about it whenever you want.”
Child development research reinforces these distinctions. Younger children lack the cognitive ability to process complex betrayal, while adolescents are developmentally primed to test values, confront hypocrisy, and demand authenticity. In every case, the guiding principle remains: be truthful, but limit detail to what is necessary and healthy.
Adult Children (out of the home)
For parents of adult children, the calculus shifts. Adult sons and daughters can bear more truth, but they are no less impacted. Many struggle with a sense of betrayal, disappointment, or disorientation when they learn a parent has been unfaithful.
These parents may conclude that the potential consequences outweigh the benefits and decide not to tell their adult children about an affair. For them, that may be the best choice as long as the children are not experiencing any infidelity challenges of their own.
If they are, authenticity is often more important than protection. Children at this stage benefit from hearing their parents acknowledge weakness, confess mistakes, and model change.
A story from my counseling work illustrates this:
Jason, a man in his thirties, was reeling from the collapse of his marriage after his affair. He longed for comfort from his parents, especially his father, who had once committed adultery himself. Jason poured out his soul, waiting for his father to share his own failure and the hard-won wisdom that followed.
But his father remained silent, too proud or too ashamed to admit the past. Jason remembers cursing under his breath that day, not at his plight, but at the vacancy in his father’s response.
If your adult children face struggles of their own, give them something more than silence. Vulnerability may feel risky, but it offers a legacy of truth and hope.
When You Must Tell Them
Even if parents prefer silence, some circumstances make disclosure necessary:
If they’ve overheard arguments or suspicions. Children over ten often connect the dots quickly. If they suspect an affair, a carefully honest response is better than evasions.
If others know. Extended family, friends, or neighbors may spread word of the affair. Better for children to hear it from you than through gossip.
If the affair changes family life. When a parent leaves the home, or when children risk encountering the affair partner, explanation becomes unavoidable.
In such moments, the choice is not between protecting or exposing them. The choice is whether they hear the truth in a way that is gentle and safe, or in a way that is careless and cruel.
The Risk of Saying Too Much
Just as harmful as silence is the temptation to say too much. Some betrayed spouses, desperate for validation, end up pouring their hearts out to their children: “Do you know what your father did to me?”
This crosses a dangerous line. Children should never be used as confidants, allies, or pawns. They are not built to carry the weight of adult betrayal. Research on children of divorce consistently shows that when kids are forced to take sides, their mental health suffers. Anxiety, depression, and difficulty forming their own trusting relationships often follow.
I know this is true. Some of these children have grown to be my clients, trying to break free from the consequences of their parents’ misguided choices.
The safest rule: if what you want to say puts your child in the middle of your conflict, don’t say it.
Speak Together When Possible
Whenever possible, parents should share information together when they tell children about an affair. A united message helps children feel secure even in the midst of upheaval.
If that’s not possible, it is usually best for the unfaithful spouse to disclose first, taking ownership of their actions. But the betrayed spouse should not be silenced. If one parent refuses, the other may need to speak alone, but always in ways that respect the child’s relationship with both parents.
Even at their worst, parents should speak respectfully about each other. As hard as it may feel, criticism of a spouse—no matter how justified—creates wounds that children will carry long after the marriage is healed or ended.
Please re-read the last paragraph. If you want what’s best for your children (and I believe you do), you must choose to act in their best interest. That means putting a tight guard on all the things you want to say to defend yourself or attack the other parent. Don’t do it. Don’t do it.
An Ugly Story Can Be Beautifully Redemptive
In time, some parents choose to tell their children the story of the affair not only as a painful fact but as a redemptive lesson.
Donald Miller, in his book Scary Close, writes:
“Parents who are open and honest with their kids create an environment in which children are allowed to be human. And, sadly, parents who hide their flaws unknowingly create an environment where kids feel the need to hide.”
Paul Young, author of The Shack, made that choice. After his affair, he and his wife, Kim, chose to tell their six children the truth. Young later said the experience, though grueling, was necessary: “If our family was going to survive, and even thrive, we had to start being painfully honest.”
Stories like theirs remind us: while betrayal breaks trust, honesty can rebuild it—not only between spouses, but between parents and children.
The Guiding Principle
So what should you tell children about an affair? There is no formula, but there is a guiding principle: Always put your child’s well-being first.
Be honest, but measured.
Reassure them of your love.
Protect them from unnecessary details.
Never speak about the other parent in disparaging ways.
Refuse to use your children as pawns in your pain.
Be vulnerably honest when the truth will help your child.
Children will pay a heavy enough price for what has happened. Don’t add to their burden.
If you must speak, let it be in ways that teach the values you want them to carry: honesty, grace, respect, and resilience. If you must tell your story, tell it not as a tale of bitterness but as a witness to how people can face life’s hardest truths and still move toward healing.
Your children don’t need a perfect parent. They need a real one. And sometimes, the most powerful legacy you can leave them is not the story of your success but the story of how you fell, and got back up again.
