8 Forms of Betrayal: The Many Ways Trust is Broken
Written by Tim Tedder
Betrayal, for most people, immediately brings to mind sexual or emotional infidelity. And it should. These are among the most traumatic wounds a relationship can suffer. My work is primarily focused on helping people heal from these specific ruptures because of how devastating they are to trust, identity, and intimacy.
Let’s acknowledge these two forms of betrayal right away:
Betrayal by Sexual Infidelity: any sexual act with someone outside the boundaries of the couple’s commitment.
Betrayal by Emotional Infidelity: any emotional bond formed outside the boundaries of the couple’s commitment.
Every committed relationship rests on expectations, some spoken, some assumed. These define what behaviors are desired and what behaviors are denied. In a monogamous marriage, the promise is to love each other well (desired) and to remain exclusive in sexual and emotional connection (denied).
But betrayal doesn’t only come in the form of affairs. As Esther Perel has said, “The victim of the affair is not always the victim of the marriage.” Affairs may deliver the sharpest blow, but many smaller cuts—indifference, neglect, contempt—can, over time, do just as much damage. Research backs this up: John Gottman’s studies show that contempt is the single strongest predictor of divorce, often more corrosive than infidelity itself.
We need to be honest about all the wounds, not just the obvious ones. Wedding vows emphasize what we will do—love, honor, cherish—not just what we won’t do. So when partners stop living those promises, even without stepping outside the marriage, trust is still broken.
Betrayal takes many forms. Let’s look at six more of them more closely.
3. Betrayal by Emotional Neglect
When love turns indifferent, promises are broken just as surely as if an affair had taken place. Withholding emotional presence leaves a partner feeling invisible and uncared for.
Examples include:
Becoming emotionally distant or disconnected
Refusing to be open or vulnerable
Ignoring a partner’s bids for connection
Failing to show care when a partner is hurting
Pretending issues don’t exist or refusing to work toward solutions
4. Betrayal by Physical Neglect
Relationships require physical intimacy, not just sexual connection but also the everyday gestures of affection that say, “I see you. I want you.” When touch and closeness fade, the body keeps the score.
Examples include:
Withholding affection or touch
Withdrawing from sexual intimacy or avoiding mutually satisfying intimacy
Showing indifference toward a partner’s physical or sexual needs
Slipping into passivity while the relationship deteriorates
5. Betrayal by Financial Misuse
Money isn’t just about spending and balances. It’s about trust in the essential resources you share. When finances are mishandled or hidden, it erodes safety and partnership.
Examples include:
Spending selfishly without regard for the couple’s needs
Misusing or draining shared accounts
Failing to contribute as agreed
Hiding debts or secret accounts
6. Betrayal by Secrecy
Secrets are walls built inside a marriage. Even small lies or omissions weaken the foundation of intimacy.
Examples include:
Withholding information for selfish reasons
Lying outright or omitting information that misleads the listener
Sharing private relationship matters with others in hurtful or humiliating ways
7. Betrayal by Dismissal
Betrayal isn’t always loud. It often sounds like a sigh, an eye-roll, or silence. When a partner feels consistently minimized or ignored, the message is clear: you don’t matter.
Examples include:
Not listening or showing contempt in daily interactions
Failing to keep promises or follow through
Prioritizing work, friends, or hobbies above the relationship
Publicly belittling, mocking, or refusing to stand up for one’s partner
Choosing addictions or escapism over relational safety and presence
8. Betrayal by Abuse
Abuse is betrayal at its most toxic, a complete reversal of the vow to love, protect, and cherish. Instead of being safe in each other’s arms, the relationship itself becomes dangerous.
Examples include:
Verbal or emotional degradation and control
Physical violence
Financial control or exploitation
Using a partner’s vulnerabilities as weapons
Marriages Can Die, or Be Reborn
I’m not trying to argue that all forms of betrayal are “just as bad” as having an affair. That’s not true. I know there is something unique, something deeper, about the wounds caused by emotional and sexual infidelity. But even the lesser betrayals can destroy a relationship over time.
A marriage doesn’t usually end because of a single broken promise; it ends because broken promises pile up. Sometimes they come in the form of affairs, but sometimes they arrive in smaller, quieter ways—through neglect, dismissal, secrecy, or misuse of trust. Betrayal isn’t only about the damage that happens outside a relationship, but also what withers inside it.
The hopeful news is this: because betrayal takes many forms, so does healing. Repair begins not just by preventing the “big” betrayals, but by practicing the daily commitments (listening, touching, telling the truth, protecting each other) that keep trust alive.
As Brené Brown once wrote, “Trust is earned in the smallest of moments.” In the same way, love is kept alive in a thousand small acts of faithfulness.
