Can There Ever Be Real Trust After Betrayal?

Written by Tim Tedder

There’s a kind of trust most of us carry into love without even naming it. It’s innocent. It comes naturally with the easy assumption that the person we’ve chosen, and who chose us, will guard our heart as carefully as we guard theirs. 

That kind of trust isn’t blind; it’s just untested. It’s the kind of trust that lets you fall asleep without wondering if your partner is scrolling through secret text messages, or that lets you hear “I love you” without questioning its legitimacy.

But after betrayal, that trust is lost. And here’s the hard truth: it doesn’t come back. That innocent trust can never be reclaimed once you’ve experienced its betrayal.

There’s good news, too. A new trust can grow in its place — trust that is deep, sturdy, and earned. 

How does that happen? How do you get that kind of trust? Let’s start by considering what you lost.

What is innocent trust?

Before betrayal, trust feels natural. We don’t have to consciously give it; it’s simply there. We sometimes refer to this as “innocent trust” because it has never experienced any significant breach. Our natural tendency is to assume we can trust. Our default belief is that those closest to us will not hurt us.

Because of this innocent trust, many betrayed partners react to betrayal with statements like these:

• I never believed my partner could do something like this.

• How did I miss this? Even while the affair was going on, I trusted my partner.

• I feel like such an idiot! Now I look back and wonder why I didn’t question what was going on.

That’s one thing betrayal does — it makes us second-guess everything. But you should accept that your innocent trust was not a deficiency; it was actually a strength. The tendency to assume trust in a relationship helps us build a secure bond.

Some people, though, had innocent trust stripped away long before they became adults. Childhood experiences of abandonment, abuse, or betrayal steal that innocence away. If that’s your experience, I’m sorry. It’s likely that, by necessity, your default shifted away from an assumed trust to an assumed distrust, making it more challenging to feel secure in relationships. And any violation of trust only reinforces that negative assumption.

But if your trust was once innocent, don’t question it; don’t judge it. Mourn its loss. Consider what might take its place.

Trust After Betrayal

Most couples start with an assumption of trust in their partner. It’s like living in a house with no locks, because you never thought you’d need them. Then something breaks in and shatters your safety. That’s when the locks appear. Maybe fences and gates, too.

Beyond the swift transition from innocent trust to guarded self-protection, betrayal triggers another shift. It doesn’t just bring pain, it begins to rewrite history. That past innocence now seems absurd, so other beliefs begin to emerge.

• The past “good times” are now called into question.

• You wonder, “Were they ever honest with me? Did they ever really love me like they said they did?”

• You ask, “Do any of our memories (and all the pictures of them) have any legitimacy? Or are they all part of the great big lie?”

• You question whether you should ever trust your judgment in relationships again.

It feels like the end of trust, but is it? I wish you could have lived your whole life in innocent trust. That’s actually a wonderful thing to enjoy. But you’ll never get it back again, not in this relationship or any other.

As bleak as that sounds, it’s not hopeless. There is valid hope for something else  —  a kind of trust that is secure and satisfying.

But this new trust doesn’t come easily or naturally. It takes intention. Here’s what Esther Perel said about it:

“After a betrayal, you don’t get to go back to trusting with innocence. You only get to go forward with trust by choice.”

It takes time and effort, but with love, trust can be rebuilt. It will be a new kind of trust, not the trust that was once taken for granted.

What’s different about the new trust?

Here’s the crux: trust after betrayal becomes intentional instead of innocent. Let me give you some examples.

• “Of course, I trust you!” becomes “Today, I choose to trust you.”

• The old trust was like music playing in the background, familiar and unnoticed. The new trust is a playlist you choose to listen to each morning.

• Innocent trust had no edges. Rebuilt trust has security borders and checkpoints.

• Innocent trust assumes that betrayal would never happen. Post-betrayal trust knows that it can, and factors that reality into the healing process.

Let me share a story with you.

I’ve always loved bikes. From my first wobbly tricycle to my junior high wheelie bike, then on to a high school 10‑speed and eventually 21‑speed hybrids — I’ve enjoyed them all. Aside from the occasional scraped knee or quick repair, my bikes were dependable. Every time I climbed on, I rode with nothing but trust in my equipment.

Until I was 29.

I was racing a friend down a side street, hit a small bump, and watched in panic as my front wheel broke free from the frame. In an instant, I slammed shoulder‑first into the pavement. Surgeries followed. Months of healing, too. And when I finally could think about riding again, something new had crept in — fear.

I could have decided that was it, that avoiding bikes was the safest choice. But eventually, I climbed back on. Slowly. Cautiously. In time, my confidence returned. Now, all these years later, I ride again without fear. Do I remember the fall? Yes, I still have the scars. Am I more careful about checking my equipment? Absolutely.

I don’t ride with the naïve belief that nothing can go wrong. I know it can. But the joy of cycling was worth reclaiming — more valuable than playing it safe.

Rebuilding trust with someone who can choose to hurt you is different from learning to trust in an inanimate object like a bike, I know. But there is a common principle: it takes time and effort to rebuild trust.

You remember how easy it used to be, but now everything is turned upside down. Should you even bother? I can only tell you what’s possible, and leave it up to you to decide how to answer that question.

What does rebuilding post-betrayal trust look like?

After an affair, the trust that is rebuilt isn’t always authentic. Some betrayed partners pretend to trust again, because the alternative feels too painful. Others demand a kind of perfection that’s impossible, leaving the unfaithful partner feeling like they’re on permanent probation.

Healthy trust looks different. It’s built on truthfulness and authenticity, even when discussing uncomfortable topics. It’s reinforced by consistent actions, not just repeated apologies. It honors boundaries. And it leaves space for imperfection, knowing that occasional slips won’t destroy trust if honesty remains.

And if the choice is made to repair your marriage, it will take the effort of both partners, not just the one who broke it.

How the Involved Partner Helps Rebuild Trust After Betrayal

1. Show your remorse.
   You must be able to express your deep regret and sorrow to your partner. If you feel it, but aren’t good at expressing it, get help. If you don’t genuinely feel remorse, then you have more work to do before you can effectively invest in trust building.

2. Be radically transparent.
   Voluntarily offer access and answers. Do not put your partner in the position of trying to force these things. This is your job. You broke trust; you may need to go to some extremes to start rebuilding it.

3. Assume control of your relationship’s security.
   If your partner is having to constantly insist on boundaries that you resist or ignore, the dynamic is upside-down. Listen to what your partner needs, then ask them to stop overseeing your behavior so you can demonstrate your willingness to create and maintain a secure relationship. Then follow through! In fact, go beyond their expectations to assure them they are safe with you.

4. Stay consistent.
   Repetition of dependable words and actions rebuilds trust. You won’t do this perfectly. But when you get it wrong, admit it, reset, and keep building.

5. Lean into discomfort.
   It’s easy to allow guilt and shame to shut you down. You may be tempted to “wait out” your partner’s anger or questions, avoiding them until the tensions subside (for a while, at least). But one of the best pieces of evidence of trustworthiness will be your willingness to be more open and vulnerable. Take relationship risks. If you’re like me and most of my clients, this has probably never been easy for you, so get some help. Start by reading Scary Close.

How the Injured Partner Helps Rebuild Trust After Betrayal

1. Get the truth you need.
   Trust can’t grow in fog. You need clarity. If you’re struggling with this, get help. This step is too important to ignore or leave undone.

2. Relinquish control of maintaining boundaries.
   If you are the one in charge of establishing and enforcing behavioral boundaries, you will always be in control. But trust can only come when you step back and see if your partner steps up. If they don’t, then you have other choices to make. But start by letting them know what things make you feel safe and unsafe, and invite them to assume control of your relationship security.

3. Pay attention to actions.
   Promises matter, but actions matter more. Watch with curiosity. Don’t always assume the worst. If you see honest attempts being made, even if they’re imperfect, recognize them and encourage them.

4. Be willing to risk.
   It will take some time for you to be open and vulnerable again, but you need to recognize the importance of getting there if healthy trust is going to be rebuilt. Let your partner know that’s something you want to keep working toward.

5. Be patient.
   Trust can be broken in a single moment, but can only be rebuilt in thousands of them.

It Can Happen

After betrayal, you won’t ever experience innocent trust again. That’s the price of the wound. But you can experience something else — a trust that’s stronger for being tested, a trust with roots deeper than naïve hope. It won’t feel the same, but that doesn’t mean it won’t feel good.

I talked to Jen eleven years after she found out about her husband’s multiple affairs. At the time of discovery, she stated clearly, “I’ll never trust you again.” But they did the work. He showed genuine remorse and became the champion of their marriage. She eventually forgave him and chose to risk. Here’s what she told me:

“I’m not naive. I know I don’t live in a fairy tale. I know there are no absolute guarantees. But here’s the truth… When he walks out the door to go on a work trip, I don’t panic. I don’t worry. I honestly trust him. These years of observing his consistent work in loving me and caring for his family in new ways have made it easier to trust him again. I like what our marriage has become.”