Sex After an Affair: Healing Your Sexual Connection
Many couples struggle with questions about sex after an affair. This challenge is never more apparent than in moments of attempted sexual intimacy, when the betrayed partner is ripped out of the moment with a thought: Is THIS something they shared?
If unchecked, intrusive thoughts like this can become so deeply rooted that sex is robbed of its joy and pleasure.
This isn’t true for all couples. Some couples, in their attempt to secure their bond to each other, experience a renewed sexual intimacy that is surprising and exciting to both partners (sometimes referred to as “hysterical bonding”). But for the majority who struggle, the comfortable intimacy of sex might take some time to reclaim following infidelity.
Here are some suggestions to help you rebuild sexual intimacy after infidelity.
You established a shared intimate space before. Build it again.
Most marriages do not begin with two people who were each other's first-and-only sexual partners. And you know what? They do just fine because the old partners don't matter anymore once the couple commits to honoring their relationship in a new way. For most couples, this is an exclusive (monogamous) arrangement.
An affair breaks the trust of this agreement, but it doesn't necessarily destroy it. If a couple chooses to rebuild and renew their marriage, they will need to let the affair recede into the past (as they have with relationships they had before their marriage, but with the added need for forgiveness, as they re-commit to each other.
If you were a virgin when you married, you will likely struggle more since (a) this is the first time you've had to deal with the reality of not being your partner's only lover, and (b) you likely placed a high value on absolute exclusivity (past and present). This is where the need for forgiveness becomes essential as a starting place for eventually feeling free to enjoy sexual intimacy after an infidelity. Forgiveness is the first step toward letting the past stay in the past instead of climbing into your bed during intimate encounters.
Focus on what is uniquely yours.
In a monogamous relationship, a sexual affair involves breaking the trust that your bodies will only be shared with each other. This trust is betrayed when one person decides to share theirs with someone else.
In sexual encounters, certain body parts are always involved in one way or another. If you try to eliminate everything shared in the affair experience, attempting to keep them out of your present sexual encounters, the essential parts required for sex will likely be missing.
If you want sexual healing, turn your focus away from what was shared in the affair. Instead, give attention to what is unique to your marriage. Were there past encounters exclusive to your marriage (times, places, discoveries, enjoyments)? Are there new ways you can work to find a satisfying connection in the future?
Here are a few suggestions for each partner who wants to reclaim sex following an affair.
Sexual Healing Tips for the Injured Partner
Avoid questions about sexual details. If you fear your spouse might try to bring something new from the affair into your bed, ask them to respect you enough not to do that. Resist the urge to go through a checklist of sex behaviors experienced in the affair (Did you do this? Did you do that?). It won't help.
When you're ready to be sexually involved with your spouse again, ask: What can we do to make sex more enjoyable for both of us?
Think of new experiences that you can add to your sexual encounters: new touches, new toys, new places. You don't have to go crazy. Simple explorations can become part of what's unique in the sexual experience you are reclaiming.
Sexual Healing Tips for the Involved Partner
Do NOT compare your spouse and the affair partner unless you are building up your spouse and they are open to hearing it. Otherwise, only communicate what you enjoy and desire about your spouse.
Consider how you contributed to past sexual dissatisfaction your relationship may have experienced. Sexual problems are rarely a one-sided issue. Were there ways you failed to connect with your spouse in the ways they wanted (emotionally, verbally, spiritually, physically, sexually)? If so, focus on meeting their needs rather than just your own.
If there are positive sexual experiences that you have shared in your marriage but did not share in the affair, let your spouse know. For example, if any of these things were NOT part of your affair, then tell your spouse they are still exclusive to the marriage: being naked together; oral sex (either way); intercourse; sex in bed; particular words spoken. If anything was not shared, let them know.
Recall past sexual experiences with your spouse that were especially exciting or enjoyable, even if they were in the distant past. Talk about them if your spouse is ready to listen. Your history is unique to the two of you. Let them know what you value.
When your spouse is ready and willing, create new sexual experiences with them. Try different things. Go to different places. Do NOT attempt to replicate the affair experience. Make something unique instead by making small adjustments to what you do together.
Sex after an affair is possible. It takes time, communication, and intentional healing. Whether you're the injured or involved partner, reclaiming your sexual relationship is part of the greater journey of rebuilding trust and intimacy after infidelity.
Are you past the affair triggers that interfere with sex? Do you and your partner still need help talking about sex? Use our online guide: How To Talk About Sex
