Reclaiming Intimacy After Infidelity
Connection: Stage 5 of Affair Recovery for Couples
Written by Tim Tedder
“I am 6 years post D-day and I can say that I truly am in love with my husband in spite of the hurtful choices he made. It is possible to grow a deeper and more meaningful connection over time.”
Reaching connection in your marriage isn’t like crossing a line at the end of the race. Healing spouses who are disconnected one moment don’t suddenly discover they have “arrived” back to intimacy again. The experience is more like moving toward the center of concentric stages, but their dividing lines are blurred and they often find themselves crossing back-and-forth between each one.
You will have occasions of connection before it becomes the norm in your marriage again. In fact, if you’ve been working as Cooperative Partners, you’ve probably already experienced encounters that stirred a familiar longing for closeness. Maybe you’ve stepped cautiously in and out of these connecting moments, but eventually you need to move purposefully into them so that Connection once again becomes the place where your marriage rests.
The Ingredient Necessary for Connection
So what makes the difference between interactions that are merely cooperative (joining partners) and those that are connecting (joining mates)? You may be surprised that it has little to do with behavior.
It’s not about spending time together, communicating, being considerate, or even having sex. Those acts are all good for relationship building, but you could perform them with a stranger, void of real intimacy.
The ingredient that turns cooperative actions into connecting ones is vulnerability.
Being vulnerable in your marriage means you take risks with your spouse by letting them into guarded places. You share the real parts of you—the parts that feel hope and longing, or pain and fear—beginning to trust that they will care and stay close to you.
If you refuse to be vulnerable, you will sacrifice any chance for true intimacy in your marriage. You can work at creating a secure partnership without the deeper connection your heart longs for, but I hope you want more than that. Cooperative partners survive; connected partners thrive.
For some who read this article, taking vulnerable steps will be a return to behavior that was familiar before the wounds of infidelity were inflicted. That is hard enough, but not nearly as difficult as the effort required by many who have always struggled with being emotionally exposed. If that’s you, you need help.
Let me suggest three excellent resources that will teach you about intimacy and vulnerability. The quotes below are from three books I highly recommend. All are available in print, digital, or audio formats. Pick one and learn from it.
Quotes from Loveable by Kelly Flanagan:
“We can’t find authentic belonging by pretending and protecting and perfecting. When our true self remains hidden and unknown, we become lonelier than ever, even in the longest of friendships and the most committed of marriages.”
“When we sense the people we want to belong to can be pleased and appeased, we try to keep them happy in order to keep them close. We build our ego wall and adorn the outside of it with mirrors, so when people look at us they just see themselves… It’s a deception, of course. But the real problem is, once you’ve become a chameleon, it gets more and more difficult to let your true colors be seen.”
Quotes from Scary Close by Donald Miller:
“I’m the kind of person who wants to present my most honest, authentic self to the world—so I hide backstage and rehearse honest and authentic lines until the curtain opens.”
“I began to wonder what life would be like if I dropped the act and began to trust that being myself would be enough to get the love I needed.”
“It costs personal fear to be authentic but the reward is integrity, and by that I mean a soul fully integrated, no difference between his act and his actual person. Having integrity is about being the same person on the inside that we are on the outside, and if we don’t have integrity, life becomes exhausting.”
“Acting may get us the applause we want, but taking a risk on being ourselves is the only path toward true intimacy. And true intimacy, the exchange of affection between two people who are not lying, is transforming.”
Quotes from The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown:
“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgement; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”
“If we want to live and love with our whole hearts, and if we want to engage with the world from a place of worthiness, we have to talk about the things that get in the way—especially shame, fear, and vulnerability.”
“Authenticity is not something we have or don’t have. It’s a practice—a conscious choice of how we want to love.”
Your Daily TEA
The things you do as you move into the Connection Stage may be similar to what you did in the Cooperation Stage, but a willingness to increase your vulnerability makes room for growing intimacy. Satisfying connections are established when partners take personal risks and learn to trust each other in the process.
Here are some of the risks that Connected Partners are willing to take:
Despite feeling hurt, disappointed, or defensive, they choose to consider what the other person may need.
They focus on remaining curious about the other’s point of view even when they do not agree with it, realizing that understanding each other is more important than convincing each other.
They are willing to say, “Forgive me.”
Instead of keeping silent resentments, they risk being honest about what they think and feel because they want to be connected, not just get their way.
They sometimes delay their own personal need in order to give attention to the other’s need.
When they feel angry, they talk about what’s really going on under the surface (fear, a sense of powerlessness, a sense of failure, hurt) to help their partner understand.
They don’t expect perfection. They let go of judgement and embrace grace.
Let me be a bit more practical by suggesting three things you can do every day to help you strengthen your connection to each other. Think of this as taking your “daily TEA” (Touch, Explore, Admire). If you infuse a bit of vulnerability in each of these acts, you will experience a more secure bond.
At least once a day, every day, you should:
T - TOUCH
From the moment you were born, you needed to be touched. Physical contact was an essential part of feeling comforted, connected, and secure. And it still is. Even if past experiences have conditioned you to put up defenses, you need touch.
Your partner needs touch, too.
I’m not talking about sexual touch (although if it sometimes leads to that, enjoy). This daily touch is a hand on the shoulder, an arm around the waist, a hug, a held hand, a kiss, or a leaning into the other while you watch TV. It’s any physical connection intended to communicate, “I like being near you.”
But what if I don’t feel like doing it?
When did you start limiting love to only the moments when you were “feeling” like it? Love takes action. These small touches may not elicit the same thrill as they did when you first met (when your brain & body were in high bonding gear), but they still carry a powerful message. Doing them intentionally will help you both feel better.
What if I don’t like being touched?
Your discomfort with physical touch is most likely related to your resistance to vulnerability. Unless you suffer from a disorder or have trauma-associated reactions to being touched, let your spouse touch you. If something in particular seems uncomfortable, tell them what to do instead. Be honest about the ways you prefer to be touched, but if you have resisted affectionate touch in the past, start learning to accept daily contact as a reminder of love.
What if my spouse doesn’t like to be touched?
Touch them anyway. Be considerate, of course. If your spouse has always resisted hugs, you may not want to go in for a full-body tackle. Start with light, quick touches as you walk by them in a room. Take their hand for 30 seconds and then let it go. Start little and build from there.
What if being touched triggers the betrayed spouse?
Don’t rush things. If necessary, return to the Cooperation Stage. If enough time has passed and there is still resistance to affectionate touch, get professional help. Affection needs to become a secure, normal part of your marriage.
E - EXPLORE
Have a daily conversation about what your day was like. Remember: be vulnerable. Make an effort to go deeper than the typical check-in chats (How was your day? Fine, how was yours? Yeah, mine was fine, too… Wanna watch Netflix?) and find out what’s going on in each other’s lives.
For example, you can explore these topics:
Talk about the best thing that happened to you today.
Talk about the worst thing that happened to you today.
Talk about something new you encountered today (a new idea, a new person, a new situation, a new object, a new anything).
"I don't know" is not an acceptable answer. You can always find a legitimate answer to these questions if you give them a little thought. Of course, some days (maybe most days) your answers won't be super-exciting or interesting. That's okay. Maybe one day the "new" thing is meeting a celebrity, but on a more typical day, it may just be something you overheard while standing in line.
If you struggle to come up with anything new to talk about, you may need some fresh input: read a new book, research an interesting topic, follow the news, join an online discussion group, or take on a new challenge/project. Talk about these things, whatever they are, and ask each other questions.
A - ADMIRE
Each day, encourage your spouse by telling them one thing you appreciate about them. There is always something good to say. This may feel uncomfortable if you’re not used to doing it, but it’s a great way to exercise your vulnerability.
Sincere expressions of admiration and encouragement make huge deposits into the “love bank” of a relationship. You may want to point out:
something good they said
something good they did
something you encountered (a conversation, article, interaction, etc.) that reminded you of an admirable quality
an effort they made
a good memory about them
ways you missed them or thought about them during the day
changes you’ve noticed
a positive comment someone else said about them
a physical quality you enjoy,
a personality quality you enjoy
an accomplishment
something about them that makes you happy
But What About Sex?
Emotional closeness lays the foundation. But at some point, many couples wonder: What about physical closeness?
After an affair, focus needs to be placed on healing other relationship wounds before you try to fix your sex life. But, eventually, you have to consider what it means to return to securing the bond that comes through sexual connection, too. Sex should be a healthy, enjoyable, consistent part of a healed relationship, but not every couple measures those qualities in the same way.
Some couples start having sex very early in their recovery. Most of the time, I don’t discourage this at all. Others take much longer to return to this expression of intimacy, especially if certain details of the affair trigger anxiety, shame, or anger.
Either way, it’s important to recognize that reclaiming sexual connection doesn’t necessarily mean you try to get back to the way things were in the past. For many couples, this is a relief because they haven’t shared a mutually satisfying sex experience in a very long time. Couples can either rediscover or redefine an enjoyable sexual connection.
If you feel “stuck” in this area, talk to someone qualified to help you. (This is especially true if there were significant sexual struggles before the infidelity.) Talking about sex feels awkward for many people, but a good therapist will put you at ease. Believe me, they’ve heard it all before, and they care about helping you.
Maybe you just need to start with an honest conversation about sex. Prepare to listen to each other without judgement. Arguments about sex are a sure-fire way of ending up on the couch rather than in the bed, so start calmly and stay curious.
Answer these questions:
Betrayed Spouse: What can your partner do to help you feel more comfortable and secure about sex?
Betrayed Spouse: If you are not yet comfortable with having sex, what can you tell your partner to give them hope that things will change?
Betrayed Spouse: What can your partner do to comfort you if/when you get triggered during sex? Do you want sex to stop, or is it better to stay engaged with each other?
Unfaithful Spouse: Why do you desire your partner sexually? How can you help them know you want them?
Unfaithful Spouse: Are you willing to wait until your spouse is ready to be sexually involved with you again? How can you assure them of your patience?
Unfaithful Spouse: If your spouse is willing to let you initiate sex, will you accept that responsibility? Will you be okay if they sometimes say, “No?”
If you have been sexually inactive up to this point, moving into the Connection Stage means you will start exploring ways of sharing sexual expression. If necessary, take gradual steps.
Spend time holding each other in bed at night.
Get comfortable touching skin to skin.
Spend time lying naked together, agreeing that there will be no expectation or insistence for sex.
Reclaim sexual memories that are exclusively yours before the affair. Talk about times each of you remembers as especially erotic and why those memories are valuable to you.
Be close while each partner experiences orgasm without intercourse. Help each other in any way that you are comfortable doing.
For more help with having conversations about intimacy and sex, use the guide: How to Talk About Sex.
A Lifetime of Connection
Read these words carefully: You’re going to get it wrong. A lot.
The best marriages struggle at times, and you’re not even up to “best marriage” standard quite yet. So expect disappointment. Even when connection becomes more consistent, moments of distance are normal. Intimacy is never perfect. It’s built—and rebuilt—through small moments of vulnerability and trust.
