Anger FFISHing: What Feelings are Under Your Anger?

Written by Tim Tedder

Anger gets a bad reputation. It’s often viewed as the problem itself—something to suppress, avoid, or explode through. But what if anger isn’t the problem at all? What if it’s just the surface signal of something deeper?

Anger is often misunderstood because we fixate on how it shows up rather than why it’s there. When you focus only on feeling angry, you’re likely to do one of two things: shut down and stuff it, or blow up and vent it. Either way, you’re missing the point. The real work of managing anger is recognizing it as a warning—an emotional bobber on the surface that tells you something important is tugging underneath.

Let’s go “fishing” and find out what that might be.

Understanding Anger

Imagine you’re sitting at the end of a dock, watching a fishing bobber float on the surface of a still lake. Suddenly, it twitches, then sinks slightly. You don’t get excited because you love watching bobbers move—you react because something’s down there. The goal is to catch what’s beneath, not to obsess over the bobber.

Anger works the same way. It’s not the goal; it’s the signal. If you only pay attention to your agitation, you’ll end up stuck in reactive patterns that offer no real relief or clarity. But if you respond with curiosity—asking what’s really going on beneath the surface—you can begin to address the real issue.

Anger and Intimacy: When Emotions Work Against Us

Anger can seem to rise out of nowhere. It’s a natural, automatic response to perceived threat—designed to protect us. That’s helpful when you're in real danger (like someone jumping out in a dark alley), but much less helpful when the “threat” is emotional, especially when it comes from someone you love.

In close relationships, anger can become the enemy of what you ultimately want: intimacy, trust, and connection. If you don’t recognize what’s fueling your anger, you risk turning your partner into your opponent instead of your ally.

Controlling Anger Before Processing It

Before you can identify the deeper emotions beneath your anger, you have to first step out of its control. Here are three steps to help you do that:

1. Start Softly

Dr. John Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher, discovered that the way a conversation begins often determines its outcome. A “soft start” (calm, respectful, non-accusatory) greatly increases the chance of a productive outcome. If you start harshly, things tend to spiral out of control quickly. Can’t manage a soft start? Take a break and try again later.

2. Take a Time-Out

“Count to 10” is classic advice for a reason. Whether you need 10 seconds, 10 minutes, or 10 hours, step away when anger is hot. Do something that interrupts your ruminating thoughts—play a game, take a walk, do a puzzle. Then return when you can choose your words instead of reacting from emotion.

3. Be Curious, Not Convincing

Anger often escalates when we get locked into “I’m right, you’re wrong” debates. Instead, be honest about your perspective but also curious about the other person’s experience. Curiosity disarms conflict. And once one person moves toward curiosity, the other often follows.

What’s Your FFISH? A Closer Look at the Five Emotions Beneath Anger

Start learning how to focus on these questions: What's really going on? What’s the FFISH tugging below the bobber?

FFISH is an acronym for five common emotions that often lurk beneath the surface. These are the feelings that can trigger anger:

• Frustration

• Fear

• Injustice

• Shame

• Hurt

Remember, your anger may be triggered because just one of these deeper issues is lurking beneath the surface, but often your anger indicates multiple issues tugging at the line. People who tend to overreact to a seemingly small annoyance are probably doing so simply because it is the last little thing to get hooked on a line already full of active, unresolved issues.

Let’s look at each one in more detail.

Anger that Indicates FRUSTRATION

You feel blocked from something you want. Expectations are unmet. A goal feels out of reach. Powerlessness creeps in. Frustration might be aimed at a partner, a situation, or even yourself. By the way, the recipient of your anger may not be the source of your frustration.

Questions to ask:

• Is there an obstacle blocking your way?

• Do you have unmet expectations?

• Is something interfering with a goal or desired outcome?

• Is there an outward or inward limitation keeping you from something you want or need?

• Do you feel a sense of powerlessness? (By the way, the recipient of your anger may not be the source of your frustration.)

Example: You take time to finish up a few things around the house before leaving for a lunch meeting. You have plenty of time to get there, but then you get stuck in a traffic jam. You’re going to be late. You sit in the car as traffic barely inches forward, until you pound the steering wheel and let out an explosion of colorful words.

Why are you mad? Because you had a reasonable plan that is now thwarted by something you cannot control.

Anger that Indicates FEAR

There’s a perceived threat—maybe to your safety, your relationship, or your sense of security. Fear can show up as anger when vulnerability feels too risky to show.

Questions to ask:

• Do you feel at risk?

• Do you feel threatened?

• Is something or someone you value being threatened or attacked?

• Do you feel insecure?

Example: You have been working through the pain of your partner’s affair, and they have been doing well in their cooperation toward healing. But then, several months later, when they are late getting home from work, you meet them angrily at the door, accusing them of inconsideration at best, and dishonesty at worst.

Why are you upset? Their unexpected lateness triggered your fear that they might be cheating again.

Anger that Indicates INJUSTICE

You feel wronged or violated, or you witness someone else not being treated fairly. Maybe it’s a true injustice, or perhaps it’s a perceived one. Either way, anger is your reaction to unjust treatment.

Note: Make sure you’re not using the claim of injustice to avoid responsibility. Sometimes, “I was wronged” is a false substitute for “I don’t want to admit I messed up.”

Questions to Ask:

• Have you been treated unfairly?

• Have you been accused of something you did not do?

• Are you experiencing the consequences of someone else’s bad choice?

• Have you witnessed someone else being victimized?

Example: A friend tells you about a negative rumor that someone is spreading about you. You feel the anger burn as you send off a quick text warning the coworker to stop, or else…

Why are you angry? Being falsely judged or accused triggers a defensive response in most of us. It’s not right; it’s not fair. Our anger drives us toward a defensive or protective response.

Anger that Indicates SHAME

You feel exposed. Criticized. Not good enough. You might feel accused in a way that stings because… maybe it’s partly true. Anger can act like a shield against vulnerability.

Shame is different from guilt. Shame says, “I am bad.” Guilt says, “I did something bad.” Both hurt, but shame hits your identity, so it feels like a deeper pain.

Questions to ask:

• Do you feel guilty?

• Embarrassed?

• Are you being accused in a way that stings because there may be some truth to it?

• Is someone's criticism pointing out a failure or inadequacy?

• Is there something hidden that you refuse to admit?

Example: Your partner points out something you forgot, and you lash out defensively.

Why did you get upset? Deep down, you’re ashamed because it points out a failure: “I’m not reliable.” Men, especially, have a strong shame response whenever inadequacy or failure is pointed out, even when they know the criticism is legitimate.

Anger that Indicates HURT

You’ve been wounded—emotionally or physically. The pain turns to anger because that feels easier to express than sadness or grief.

Questions to ask:

• Have you been physically or emotionally wounded?

• Have you been disappointed or let down?

• Are you experiencing loss?

• Are you experiencing grief?

Example: You act cold and dismissive after a friend forgets your birthday.

Why: Beneath that frostiness is pain: I thought I mattered more to you.

How FFISHing Can Help Healing

When You’re Angry

Once you identify the FFISH beneath your anger, everything changes. You gain insight into your emotional world. You communicate with more honesty. And you give others a real chance to meet you in your vulnerability.

Here’s the process in short:

• Pause the reaction. Don’t trust the first response. It may help to tie the feeling of anger to the image of a bobber. When you feel upset, imagine a bobber, then…

• Look beneath the bobber. What’s tugging on the line?

• Name the FFISH. It may be more than one!

• Share from that deeper place. Talk about the real emotions that are at play. When you can be vulnerably honest, it opens the door for genuine communication and real connection.

When Someone Is Angry with You

You won’t always know what FFISH is swimming beneath someone else’s outburst. But if you can stop reacting to the “bobber” of their anger and instead grow curious about what might be fueling it, your defensiveness will shrink—and empathy can begin to grow.

Ask yourself: What might be causing their anger? Is this frustration? Fear? Shame? Hurt? Injustice?

Even just wondering can change the tone of the interaction.

Final Thought

Anger is not the enemy—it’s the clue. A surface signal that something deeper needs your attention. If you only focus on controlling or expressing it, you’ll miss the real message. But if you learn to go FFISHing, you’ll uncover what’s true, what’s needed, and what can finally bring relief.

Next time your bobber starts to bounce, don’t just react. Go FFISHing.