My spouse is still angry with me. Shouldn't he/she be over it by now?
Anger needs to come out following an affair. The feelings of hurt and betrayal are usually so deep that it would be unnatural and unhealthy for no anger to be expressed. You should be prepared for outbursts of anger to continue for a while... probably for months. I know many couples who have come to very satisfying conclusions in their affair recovery who would tell you they experienced some outbursts of anger even up to a couple years after the affair. So be prepared for that.
Repairing your relationship will require some sacrifice from you. It is the cost required for rebuilding trust. You cannot expect your spouse to get over this quickly and so you are going to have to be willing to deal with their pain and disconnection (that will often be expressed in sadness and anger) while they heal. This will be uncomfortable for you, but it's part of the process. [For more on this, read a great description of this pain from a betrayed wife's perspective in The Deep Pain of Betrayal.]
But if your marriage is going to recover, there should be a diminishing of anger. After the first month or so of initial expressions of grief and outrage, anger tends to decrease in both intensity and frequency. If after that time there still seems to be no change in anger, then something is getting in the way. In those cases, these are the things I begin to investigate:
Both partners need to be able and willing to look beneath their anger to see the deeper emotions at play. Anger is an easy emotion to grab onto, but it's usually an indication of something more significant going on: fear, hurt, shame, or feeling powerless/inhibited.
Repairing your relationship will require some sacrifice from you. It is the cost required for rebuilding trust. You cannot expect your spouse to get over this quickly and so you are going to have to be willing to deal with their pain and disconnection (that will often be expressed in sadness and anger) while they heal. This will be uncomfortable for you, but it's part of the process. [For more on this, read a great description of this pain from a betrayed wife's perspective in The Deep Pain of Betrayal.]
But if your marriage is going to recover, there should be a diminishing of anger. After the first month or so of initial expressions of grief and outrage, anger tends to decrease in both intensity and frequency. If after that time there still seems to be no change in anger, then something is getting in the way. In those cases, these are the things I begin to investigate:
- Is there more to the affair story that is still being hidden? It is amazing how many times unconfessed secrets continue to sabotage the recovery effort. This is one reason why getting the whole truth out at the start of recovery is very important, but if something is still hidden you need to consider coming completely clean.
- Has the affair partner expressed genuine sorrow and grief for what they did? Are they willing to offer ongoing empathetic responses to the wounded spouse rather than insisting that they just "get over it and move on"?
- Has the affair tapped into a hurt or trauma in the betrayed partner's past? If so, their emotional response is being amplified and they will likely need help working through past as well as present issues.
- Are both partners honestly committed to the process of marriage recovery? If either one is just "playing the game" of recovery while having to honest intent to make the marriage work, then anger is simply an ongoing expression of something that will never be resolved while this game is being played.
- Is the betrayed partner unwilling to acknowledge his/her part in marriage problems? It's easy to focus on the failures of the affair spouse, but at some point the betrayed spouse must be willing to take an honest look at the ways they contributed to the condition of the marriage. This, by the way, is in no way accepting responsibility for the affair. But if after the intial normal anger reactions the betrayed spouse remains angry (continues to accuse, continues to obsess over the same affair issues) and remains in this pattern for months and years, it is usually an indication of an unwillingness to assume any responsibility for the state of the marriage.
Both partners need to be able and willing to look beneath their anger to see the deeper emotions at play. Anger is an easy emotion to grab onto, but it's usually an indication of something more significant going on: fear, hurt, shame, or feeling powerless/inhibited.
Additional Resources:
- Podcast 103: Dealing With Anger After An Affair
- Podcast 210: 7 Things Your Betrayed Partner Wishes You Knew
- Podcast 301: Affair Recovery Q&A
3 of the questions addressed in this podcast: What can I do to help my husband who is struggling since finding out about my affair? (1:52); How do my husband and I support each other while we're both so wounded from his affair? (18:00); I am working to heal our marriage after our affair, but what can I do if my husband is stuck in anger? (31:27) - Podcast 402: Check-In: How Can I Help Him Heal from My Affair?
Copyright ©2009-2022, Tim Tedder, LMHC, NCC & contributing authors. Content on this site cannot be used or reproduced without permission. AffairHealing.com is a resource of Currents Services, LLC.