Sheri's Story
A woman confesses an affair secret she held for 5 years.
My husband and I had been married for nine years when I had my affair. My husband was a really nice guy but there were no sparks and we were no longer having fun together. I was bored in marriage and in life.
I had started doing some volunteer work when I met the other man, and it was a case of sparks right from the start. At first, I was very disciplined, not allowing myself to entertain any thoughts about "what if." But I was really struggling in life—confused about direction, feeling like a square peg in a round hole at work and in social circles, isolated and not understood. This volunteer job made me feel like I fit somewhere for the first time in a long time and this guy was fun to be around. We had similar tastes/interests in areas that my husband and I did not share.
I knew it was wrong but the attraction seemed overwhelming. I eventually grew tired of feeling that what made me happy was wrong. Doing what I was "supposed to" was making me miserable. So I began entertaining fantasies about this guy, started eating lunch with him and going out for dinner.
After several months of this inner fantasy life, I finally told him how I was feeling and found out he was also attracted to me. We initially just kissed but it was amazing. I felt alive for the first time in a very long time.
I felt guilty about lying to my husband, but I couldn’t stop myself. We started a physical relationship while my husband was out of town for a week. He really was just a Romeo, a single guy who went out with lots of women. I told him I wasn’t going to leave my husband for him and he wasn't interested in a relationship either.
[continued below...]
I had started doing some volunteer work when I met the other man, and it was a case of sparks right from the start. At first, I was very disciplined, not allowing myself to entertain any thoughts about "what if." But I was really struggling in life—confused about direction, feeling like a square peg in a round hole at work and in social circles, isolated and not understood. This volunteer job made me feel like I fit somewhere for the first time in a long time and this guy was fun to be around. We had similar tastes/interests in areas that my husband and I did not share.
I knew it was wrong but the attraction seemed overwhelming. I eventually grew tired of feeling that what made me happy was wrong. Doing what I was "supposed to" was making me miserable. So I began entertaining fantasies about this guy, started eating lunch with him and going out for dinner.
After several months of this inner fantasy life, I finally told him how I was feeling and found out he was also attracted to me. We initially just kissed but it was amazing. I felt alive for the first time in a very long time.
I felt guilty about lying to my husband, but I couldn’t stop myself. We started a physical relationship while my husband was out of town for a week. He really was just a Romeo, a single guy who went out with lots of women. I told him I wasn’t going to leave my husband for him and he wasn't interested in a relationship either.
[continued below...]
Listen to the story of two women who talk about their affairs in episodes of our Recovery Room podcast:
- In Crossing the Line, Amanda explains the sequence of choices that led her into an affair with her fitness trainer (starts at 17:40 in the podcast).
- In A Couple's Affair Healing Story, Lori and Tim talk about her affair and their efforts toward healing from it.
While the affair was going on, I was offered a job—my dream job—where I was volunteering, but I knew what we were doing was wrong; I knew I could not work with him and do the right thing. I felt guilty and wanted to stop, so I turned down the job and quit volunteering in order to cut off my contact with him.
We went through a long period of no communication, but the next time my husband went out of town, I had an overwhelming urge to call him. He answered, we met... and it went on like this for a couple of years, only seeing each other a couple of times a year. He was like a drug I couldn't stop using. Thankfully, he got a job in another state and moved away. That was the end of that.
I kept my secret for five years. I repented and prayed, experienced forgiveness and grace, but I still always felt like a fraud. If anyone knew what I've done... Several times after church service or Bible study, I sensed that I should confess the affair and move forward. But then I would convince myself that nothing good would come of it; it would only hurt my husband.
My husband had always become angry when talking about infidelity, so I knew he would not take it well. After another very clear message that I needed to tell him, I was arguing again that I didn't want to hurt him when God pointed out that He was God and I was not, that it was His job to determine what my husband could handle. So I decided to come clean.
I confessed to my pastor first, and then confessed to my husband. It was a hard and ugly conversation. I had never seen that side of him before. It was painful to hear some of the things he said. During the following few weeks, he continued making occasional snide remarks.
I realized I could not control my husband actions or responses, but I could control how I acted and responded to him. In My Utmost For His Highest, Oswald Chambers says, "Never look for right in the other man but never cease to be right yourself... never look for justice but never cease to live it." I had to pray for the strength to do what was right despite the reaction I might receive, and to keep relying on God. He was with me and sustained me during those initial rough weeks of recovery. Over time and through counseling, my husband’s hurtful comments lessened and eventually stopped.
So why did I tell my secret? The main reason I confessed was because I could no longer deny that God wanted me to. Keeping my secret had destroyed my relationship with God; as a result, I had been miserable the past five years. I finally had to ask: Do I trust Him to take care of me if I confess, even if it all falls apart?
I really expected my husband to leave me when I confessed. My pastor asked if that was what I wanted, and I wasn't sure. If he left, I would have to quit a job that I love because it doesn't pay enough to support me, possibly move back home to live with my parents, lose friends, and face shame and embarrassment when everyone found out what I had done. I didn't want any of that, but I also didn't know if I wanted to stay in my marriage.
As I was crying to my pastor about "what will happen to me if he leaves?" he said something that stuck with me: "You're going to be all right, whatever happens. God will be with you." When my husband said he was willing to try and save our marriage, I knew I had to try. We agreed to go through counseling together.
In the beginning, I struggled with not feeling attracted to my husband and having little desire for him. I was depressed, which also affected my libido. After talking with my doctor, I went on an anti-anxiety/anti-depression medication and it helped significantly. Trying to fight for a marriage when my emotions were out-of-whack was making a tough situation even worse.
We started counseling with Tim and he asked if I had ever been attracted to my husband. Yes, in the beginning of our relationship, I had been. He helped me see that if it had been there before, it could return, so I focused on that. I began to seriously pray about this area of attraction. God created sex, after all, and He wants us to have a healthy, fulfilled sex life in our marriages. I asked God to give me eyes to see my husband as He does, to love him as God loves him. Those feelings returned.
Tim had us read the book How We Love and discuss the questions at the end of each chapter. It was really eye-opening. We learned so much about each other and my husband said it helped him forgive and fall in love with me again. The way he loved me began to change, and he became a man I was attracted to again.
Being open and honest in my communication was very tough for me in the beginning of this process. My life-long pattern was hiding my true emotions or anything that felt shameful or embarrassing. Initially, I made excuses for holding back, like wanting to protect my husband. But secrets and lies were what got me where I was in the first place; now it was time for truth.
My husband and I have grown so much closer through times of honest communication. No more hiding. It's scary, but necessary. Listening to God and sticking with my marriage has allowed me to experience the love I've always wanted and a relationship I didn't think was possible. It required a commitment to make it work, to change my way of thinking, to "let go and let God," but it has been worth it.
As I took my fears and concerns to God in prayer and asked Him to change my heart towards my husband and our marriage, I found hope. We experienced change, in our marriage and in our feelings towards each other.
This Bible verse encouraged me at the start of my journey:
Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland. (Isaiah 43:18-19)
My heart and feelings towards my husband felt like a desert and a wasteland at times, but God did make a way and streams in that desert. That's not to say everything is wine and roses all of the time, but we are committed to daily making the choices that move us towards each other and towards God.
We went through a long period of no communication, but the next time my husband went out of town, I had an overwhelming urge to call him. He answered, we met... and it went on like this for a couple of years, only seeing each other a couple of times a year. He was like a drug I couldn't stop using. Thankfully, he got a job in another state and moved away. That was the end of that.
I kept my secret for five years. I repented and prayed, experienced forgiveness and grace, but I still always felt like a fraud. If anyone knew what I've done... Several times after church service or Bible study, I sensed that I should confess the affair and move forward. But then I would convince myself that nothing good would come of it; it would only hurt my husband.
My husband had always become angry when talking about infidelity, so I knew he would not take it well. After another very clear message that I needed to tell him, I was arguing again that I didn't want to hurt him when God pointed out that He was God and I was not, that it was His job to determine what my husband could handle. So I decided to come clean.
I confessed to my pastor first, and then confessed to my husband. It was a hard and ugly conversation. I had never seen that side of him before. It was painful to hear some of the things he said. During the following few weeks, he continued making occasional snide remarks.
I realized I could not control my husband actions or responses, but I could control how I acted and responded to him. In My Utmost For His Highest, Oswald Chambers says, "Never look for right in the other man but never cease to be right yourself... never look for justice but never cease to live it." I had to pray for the strength to do what was right despite the reaction I might receive, and to keep relying on God. He was with me and sustained me during those initial rough weeks of recovery. Over time and through counseling, my husband’s hurtful comments lessened and eventually stopped.
So why did I tell my secret? The main reason I confessed was because I could no longer deny that God wanted me to. Keeping my secret had destroyed my relationship with God; as a result, I had been miserable the past five years. I finally had to ask: Do I trust Him to take care of me if I confess, even if it all falls apart?
I really expected my husband to leave me when I confessed. My pastor asked if that was what I wanted, and I wasn't sure. If he left, I would have to quit a job that I love because it doesn't pay enough to support me, possibly move back home to live with my parents, lose friends, and face shame and embarrassment when everyone found out what I had done. I didn't want any of that, but I also didn't know if I wanted to stay in my marriage.
As I was crying to my pastor about "what will happen to me if he leaves?" he said something that stuck with me: "You're going to be all right, whatever happens. God will be with you." When my husband said he was willing to try and save our marriage, I knew I had to try. We agreed to go through counseling together.
In the beginning, I struggled with not feeling attracted to my husband and having little desire for him. I was depressed, which also affected my libido. After talking with my doctor, I went on an anti-anxiety/anti-depression medication and it helped significantly. Trying to fight for a marriage when my emotions were out-of-whack was making a tough situation even worse.
We started counseling with Tim and he asked if I had ever been attracted to my husband. Yes, in the beginning of our relationship, I had been. He helped me see that if it had been there before, it could return, so I focused on that. I began to seriously pray about this area of attraction. God created sex, after all, and He wants us to have a healthy, fulfilled sex life in our marriages. I asked God to give me eyes to see my husband as He does, to love him as God loves him. Those feelings returned.
Tim had us read the book How We Love and discuss the questions at the end of each chapter. It was really eye-opening. We learned so much about each other and my husband said it helped him forgive and fall in love with me again. The way he loved me began to change, and he became a man I was attracted to again.
Being open and honest in my communication was very tough for me in the beginning of this process. My life-long pattern was hiding my true emotions or anything that felt shameful or embarrassing. Initially, I made excuses for holding back, like wanting to protect my husband. But secrets and lies were what got me where I was in the first place; now it was time for truth.
My husband and I have grown so much closer through times of honest communication. No more hiding. It's scary, but necessary. Listening to God and sticking with my marriage has allowed me to experience the love I've always wanted and a relationship I didn't think was possible. It required a commitment to make it work, to change my way of thinking, to "let go and let God," but it has been worth it.
As I took my fears and concerns to God in prayer and asked Him to change my heart towards my husband and our marriage, I found hope. We experienced change, in our marriage and in our feelings towards each other.
This Bible verse encouraged me at the start of my journey:
Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland. (Isaiah 43:18-19)
My heart and feelings towards my husband felt like a desert and a wasteland at times, but God did make a way and streams in that desert. That's not to say everything is wine and roses all of the time, but we are committed to daily making the choices that move us towards each other and towards God.
Copyright ©2009-2022, Tim Tedder, LMHC, NCC & contributing authors. Content on this site cannot be used or reproduced without permission. AffairHealing.com is a resource of Currents Services, LLC.