Setting Good Boundaries: Pleasing, Controlling, or Caring?
Boundaries & People-Pleasing
Our guest talks about being a big people-pleaser. I can identify with that. Maybe you can, too.
There's a particular irony in people-pleasing that takes most of us a long time to see. The person who works hardest to keep everyone comfortable, who never says no, who smooths every conflict before it surfaces, is often the least honest one in the room. Not because they intend harm, but because every yes that should have been a no is a small deception.
The deeper problem is that people-pleasing isn't really about other people; it's about managing your own anxiety and securing your own approval. When you agree to something you resent, volunteer for something that depletes you, or stay quiet when you should speak up, you're not being generous. You're making a trade, and the other person doesn't even know the transaction is happening. That's what makes it a form of manipulation, even when it comes from someone who genuinely wants to be good. The path out isn't learning to be less nice. It's learning to be more honest, starting with yourself.
Barb Nangle grew up in a home shaped by infidelity and codependency, and without realizing it, she carried those patterns into her own adult life. Her father was unfaithful throughout her childhood, her mother stayed and made it "okay," and Barb eventually found herself repeating both. It wasn't until she entered 12-step recovery in 2015 that she began to see the truth: she wasn't just a people-pleaser. She was dishonest, approval-seeking, and living without integrity, and those patterns had made her vulnerable to exactly the kinds of relational dysfunction she'd grown up watching.
In this conversation, Barb reframes what boundaries actually are. They're not walls to keep people out. They're the internal structure that keeps you whole when life gets hard. She explains how people-pleasing is a form of manipulation, how integrity means aligning your behavior with your values, and how her concept of "boundaries of self-containment" (simply stopping behaviors that create chaos) has transformed her life more than anything else she has tried.
Barb also speaks directly to the connection between poor boundaries and infidelity. Whether you were the one who strayed or the one who was betrayed, she argues that boundary work is essential to understanding how the breach happened and what it takes to rebuild. Honest, direct communication, professional support, and the willingness to own your part aren't optional in recovery. They're the foundation.
LINKS and EXTRAS
Episoded Page: https://www.affairhealing.com/podcasts/047
Barb Nagle’s Resources - Website: higherpowercc.com; Free Coaching Call: barbchat.net; Podcast: Fragmented to Whole
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Barb Nagle
Barb Nangle is a boundaries coach, speaker, author, and podcaster. After nearly 40 years of therapy and personal development, she entered 12-step recovery at 52. What began as work around codependence revealed deeper layers of intergenerational dysfunction, childhood trauma, and self-abandonment. Recovery didn't add another tool to her life. It fundamentally changed how she related to herself and the world.
Before recovery, Barb carried over 100 pounds more than she does today, struggled with unsatisfying relationships and substance use, and lived in chronic fear and rumination despite appearing successful on the outside. Decades of self-improvement hadn't solved the problem because it wasn't due to a lack of insight or effort. It was the absence of internal safety. As that safety developed through boundary work, her relationships, emotional availability, and sense of self were transformed.
Today, Barb helps professional women stop saying yes when they mean no, end cycles of self-neglect, and build the internal safety needed for healthy relationships. She brings a sociology background that gives her a systems-level understanding of how over-responsibility and self-sacrifice get reinforced, especially in women. She does her work through private coaching, professional speaking, and her podcast, Fragmented to Whole: Life Lessons from 12-Step Recovery.
